what are you doing new year's, new year's eve?

Give strong drink to him who is perishing,
And wine to those who are bitter of heart.
7 Let him drink and forget his poverty,
And remember his misery no more.

the bible is full of fun things. hmmm.

since i was a little girl, i'd get so so so excited about new year's eve! like, another christmas, but without presents. and sometimes you'd get lucky and there'd be some fun candy or something special. and besides you get to stay up past midnight! i mean, what?! but i remember my mom always feeling as though it was just another day. lots of people being like that, in fact. and i think it's the one time of year that my grandma is an idealist. so she'd get excited. i think mostly, because i was excited. i remember being in my adolescent years and spending it with my cousins in falls church, virginia at my great-grandparents house.... running around getting hot and sweaty (cos it was boiling in the house) and we were bundled up. and we'd watch mtv's nye countdown. and of course, i'd cross my fingers for an oasis video to make it. at which point i'd glue myself to the tv and watch it, as though i'd never seen it before and search for alan white's appearances and airdrum the rare solo... or raise my hands in the air to call for one moment of silence for all involved. hahahaha. i was a mess. i still am a mess.
i remember dreaming of the day i'd get kissed at 12.00. (still bloody waiting on that one...&%$#@!) haha.
i also remember another nye... when my then boyfriend stopped talking to me altogether. the eve of 2006, i believe. i remember him breaking up with me on the 1st of the year via email. it still hurts a bit, to revisit that.

and once again, rhythms of hopeful expectation have been overdubbed by the dreariness of disappointment. no more. no less.
i believe that nye is the time of year i should go away. turn off the clock. and sleep like rip van winkle. well, at least for a day.
i'm afraid the sparkle for new year's eve is officially gone. or perhaps i'm celebrating it on the wrong calendar. i think i just need to convert to judaism and screw the whole thing, after all.
or perhaps i should adjust an old passover adage for this occasion... next year in london.

calm down, dearest.

i think it's nice how difficult or annoying days have this way of redeeming themselves in the end.
and how i always panic about things beyond my control, just to see it all fall sweetly into place at the very last minute.

so many thoughts. perhaps i'll arrange them into a song. or story. or a photo. or a picture...
but, for now i'll let them dance a little more round my tired head.

nashville in 1.75 days. countdown the quarters.

the wheels on the train go round and round...

early i wake up.
maybe yes. maybe no.
to alarms of guilt for what?
i don't even seem to know.
pull me out from under here
if you can
leave me be.
i'm not good enough for you
i'm not good enough for me.
simple wish makes me swoon
makes me fly round the room.
makes me dream of you til noon.
makes me simply a baffoon.
a monsoon hits with confused bits of
who what where and why?
turn around and shut it out and run away
just to cry.
the push and pull. suspicious eyes.
the lack of trust. the long goodbyes.
the picture that just won't come out.
the things i've learned to do without.
i'm wreckless now.
i'd take you now.
i'll settle for your incomplete.
i'm restless now.
i'll show you how.
i'll love you but i won't compete.
not for you or he nor she.
nor any collective units of we.
nor me.
late i fall in bed.
with chaos raging round my head.
keep rehearsing what we've said.
just to wake and find it dead.

i like you when the strings come in...

i like today. i like being with family and not having someplace to rush off to.  i love all of it. and i like that i've spent the majority of my afternoon talking with my new friend chad. everyone is still playing with all their new toys... something i doubt you ever grow out of.  also, the lemony snicket holiday books are grand. 

this has been a wonderful christmas. and it's only 430 in the afternoon.

happy birthday to tom.

happy birthday to you.

silent night...

i need that christmas feeling.
i need a festival of lights.
i miss some faces.
trips to new york & la & seattle & nashville need to happen.
and i mean, jack-be-quick!
'supersonic' could be my anthem for 2009. because, well just because.
my mom went with me to see oasis & ryan adams & matt costa, saturday night.
i had such an amazing time. that's putting it very mildly.
and i got a shirt.
i'm a fan. so?
also. currently reading...

currently writing...
my mind is a parade of thoughts. the usual streets blocked off... and i'm gazing upward. watching the shapes change and move through the sky. learning to use these numbers i forfeited. learning to make them sing for me. and so, they said, it comes in threes. wait. wait. wait. is someone waiting on me?
and while i'm sipping my complimentary beverage, tell me if you think about me... if i pass through your mind, at least, in those sentimental ways? do you? or do you. i second guess myself. expecting the negative when elation waits to greet me with a kiss each morning. i should be less quick to dismiss it and keep my hope at bay. jumping from page to page. attempting to read the ending of the book before it's even properly begun. but i still wonder. i like when my phone rings and it's you... i like seeing your name. i like when you're talking to me. admittedly selfish when it comes to these things. and fast as you can, her voice makes me remember where i am. the time, forgotten, i was looking at your face...then i blink. i remember. places to be. equations to solve. checks and balances and write, copy and save! oh how desperately they believe you. i wish, i was better at trusting. but those talented voice-throwers have fooled my perfect pitch. i keep thinking it's you letting me down. i keep thinking it's you behind the fist of reality's unexpected blows. and it isn't... you've turned the bright lights back on. but slow, so my eyes open slow and my head stops aching... but dreaming again, the shadows flicker out of control throwing my vision off... i stop for a moment to call. no answer. eventually they'll send the sweetest response. wait. wait. wait.
they've taken my heart and run away with it and planted it. and the bud opens, ever so softly in greenwich meantime english sunshine. they wait for me to come back and get it. how long will they wait? but in the meantime, my friends come and go. fade in and fade out. i grasp for the few minutes of conversation. of promised meetings. of promised calls. of promises promises...pre-occupied meanderings of wishful thinking. it's a kind gesture, really. it's the thought that counts. but some days you want to reach out your hand and touch more than a delicate mist. cheek to cheek to empty space. i wish they were around. and i'm sure i am unmissed. snapped back to attention by the old telephone ring. fumbling around. i knew it would be you. and my smile is unstoppable. anyone within miles can catch the contageous laughter in our voices. once again the stars of perspective captivating my wandering attention. hope rises, fear is in retrograde and i'm in full bloom before you. all these cares have gone. i'm happy. and i'm home.

hold your head up you silly girl.

let's catch up. in using images. in random order.
i got sweets...

tom.

the wonders i spent most of my week with...
justin, ash & paul....

making faces.

at the gig...

andrew.

pub.

hey girl hey! whaaaaat?!

fading into the scenery.

getting slimed by the young johnny rotten. er clint.

danny fox & lou - professional dollbaby

gemma & elena

the kitchen/rec room of rak studios...just outside my room.

gemma's sneaky photo work...me, updating you.

masterclass.

CHIPS!

on the tube.

andrew.

i'm trying to capture you.

lucky kisses.

the red...

cuddle and christmas lights.

sleepy boy & girl.

so, just take me home.

today, i heard a guy say, and ever so seriously, "yeah, i'm single. single as a dolla bill!"
only in america.

i woke up on a bench on shepherds bush green with a candle at my chest and a head on his knee.

so let's rewind to wednesday...

• had to be at king's cross by 8.30 to pick up the keyboard
• went to camden to drink some coffee. the barista was nice. and even came over to my table to pick up my trash. though, he didn't go to anyone else's table. hmm.
• headed to the studio to write and things.
• practised for the gig on a 1973 original Yamaha Grand Piano that had been played by Elton John, Led Zeppelin, and Muse... just to name a couple of names...
• found myself in the back of a mercedes driven by a man in a suit, headed to shepherds bush green, and all i could think of was laura marling's 'night terror'
• clive & i went for some yummy italian food.
• lots of people came that made me very very happy.
• tom did not come, cos he was working. =(
• but a certain mister from EMI did come. and i got nervous.
• but more people i love put my mind at ease, and i slipped away into the music and really really really enjoyed every second.
• my friends are rowdy... and can't be in places where they're supposed to sit and be quiet for long periods of time. they usually escape to the back and start laughing and talking. hehehe
• clive drove me back to st. john's wood...where i found out someone had locked the studio door by mistake, therefore the code to the door wouldn't work. and i got locked out.
• ash called a cab, which took me to his place, where his lovely wife had set out pajamas, toiletries and had a comfy bed made up.

thursday -

• watched E4 & had some breakfast.
• car-ride to the studio...feeling nauseated. but enjoying conversation with ash & lucy.
• got in the front seat when lucy got to the station... still feeling nauseous.
• arrived at st. john's wood so i could change clothes... still nauseous.
• opened the door to my room, and was unbearably sick...ran ... threw up.
• no longer nauseous, and feeling much better, i changed and went to the studio.
• we recorded the aforementioned song in the previous post, and i cried.
• we started writing a really fun tune...
• then, we (ash, justin & i) went and got some super yummy food at the pub.
• i found myself in a bmw headed to the lock tavern. (what can i say? i got lucky with the taxis!) to meet clive.
• listened to this guy dan smith, greg manages, and finally met greg's lovely girlfriend, alice.
• got my painting from danny! yaaaay!
• elena hunted us down.
• we hunted down a cab...and parted ways.
• i got back to the room...and felt sad. so i talked to sleepy tom, and clive.
• i wanted to cry, but i slept instead. (hmm. i should use that in a song)

friday.

• got a taxi at 7.30 - paddington - train - heathrow - tram - terminal 5
• long flight. 3 films later... i landed.

saturday -
i slept nearly 12 hours last night.
i've got a blister on my foot, and i've lost about 7 pounds, apparently.
i'm dreading monday. and, i'm scared that everything wonderful that just happened will stop. that the heads my songs are stuck in will soon forget me. that the hearts i dote upon will not wait. that my name pencilled in will be erased. that i'll be stuck within the 4 walls of mediocrity at a desk selling people things they have to have. that i am a jane austin who writes and dreams of the things that won't actually happen to me.
that i'll be out of sight, out of mind.

i would just like for things to be different this time.

these boots are made for walkin' and that's just what they'll do...

i woke up this morning to the sound of what i thought was a hailstorm. i leapt out of bed, and looked out the window to find not a winter storm, but horses, at least a dozen trotting down the street! 

topshop. + h&m.+ faith shoes. - christmas shopping crowds. = success.

i hailed a cab on oxford street, and put on my new boots in the back. along with my jacket. and i'm gloriously toasty. =)

back in the studio, after a management meeting. writing writing writing. recording recording recording. and getting butterflies about tomorrow's gig. 

the song we're working on right now, can be taken many ways...but, paul is specifically writing it about his dad who has lung cancer, and has just been given two weeks to live.  i, having been there, myself, am revisiting my grandad in this writing process. the song is so hauntingly beautiful and just...gorgeous. i want to start crying. i think we all do.

it reminds us all why we do this. why it's all important. 

more soon... hopefully including photos.

i've been a busy busy bee. 

buzz buzz buzz.

lock yourself indoors and plan a getaway...

today was such a good sunday. good and long and full:

• went to spitalfields market with gemma (fun. but so crowded.)
• had a really tasty almond croissant!
• a random band was covering katy perry. hmm.
• tried on some burberry & chanel boots.
• still haven't gotten the december british vogue. oh, but i have january now, thanks.
• met up with danny in camden.
• couldn't find the place, so i walked from camden town station to chalk farm station and back.
• ate 1 random sandwich from tescos express while watching the antique road show. hahaha
• made the acquaintence of one of the st. john's wood station workers. she's so great!
• went to liverpool st. (for the 2nd time today)
• was stalked outside by a creepy little man trying to chat me up by saying i sound like britney spears when i talk, and giving me pointers on places to go.
• arran rescued me. and took me to a pub to meet some friends.
• then we went to a gig, where he was playing with some more friends.
• at which point i developed a massive crush on a band called the onlookers.
• was stalked by a second random man who also sabbotaged the stage on the last song with his singing techniques. ahem.
• had a very long talk with jonny about all kinds of things including space blankets. which work.
• faced my fear of riding the bus...with arran escorting me to the right one. i took it to my destination... knew precisely where the taxi stand was, and got the cab the rest of the way. i am pleased with myself.
• it's 915 body clock time. but it's 2.15 greenwich mean time. which means, i need to sleep.
• i'm hungry like a wolf, cold, and i'm in dire need of a full body massage.

gemma and some others have said the phrase, "you belong here!" and everyone asks me if i live here because of my weird sense of ease with everything.
i want to call this home. after home, obviously, you know what i mean.
hopin and prayin and wishin... please oh please.

just trying to shake you off...

i am crazy and most definitely needed to calm down.
so, i went from being really unsure of where i was staying/commuting to hertford...
and now, i'm sitting cozy in 'my flat' for the week. all to myself. =)
well, gemma's here tonight. which is absolutely perfect.

i arrived, met a cartoonish little bumbling lady with squinty eyes and a bright smile with paddington bear on her sweater, and then had the best cab driver i've ever ever had when i left paddington station. he told me all sorts of little anecdotes about musicians and things. (like pointing out the street where jimmy hendrix lived/died). when we arrived at canalot studios, the driver then, asked where he could get my music, got out and opened my door, and helped me with my bags...then left only when completely sure that i was alright and headed to the right place. i was. ash led me through a tiny blue door beneath some massive iron dragons, was introduced to justin and paul and within 2 hours of being in the country, i starting recording and working on a new song. a bit later there we were sidetracked by a beautiful rainbow on one side of the sky while there was a gorgeous sunset over london on the other side.
after working on tunes most of the day, i went to meet clive & jim at a pub. we then had the saltiest bacon & cheese thing ever...and went to this crazy club. i think we spent the majority of the time checking bags in and out of the coat-check. from there we got the train back to hertford, and we met the second loveliest cab-driver. like a sweet little 'gran'. she was absolutely lovely. she turned to me and said, "are you warm enough little one?" ...i melted. met clive's house-mate, chris and sister, claire...who are amazing. chris is hilarious. and claire is just the loveliest person...and so incredibly gorgeous, it's overwhelming. we had some wine, and laughed until we were all literally in tears at a flight of the conchords stand-up show. i finally fell asleep a little after midnight. =)
drove into town today, and tried to find my coveted boots on oxford street. aka. hades.
yes.
i said it.
it was christmas shopping day, apparently. and a saturday. the roads were even blocked off. it was out of control.
went to the studio to meet ash and got the key to the flat...(which i'm staying in for free. i mean, what?!) met up with gemma and friends...tom came out (yay!)...and then gemma and i headed to the grotbags christmas party. there was a massive line outside, but we sauntered up to the front and got in 'on the guestlist' which we weren't. but we got in for the discounted rate and walked right in. hehehe thanks to lou's trickery. found danny & lou and we danced to mariah carey and other such things. then, heard this band called exlovers. refreshingly good.
so on the last song, some people went mental dancing around and falling out on the floor. this jamaican security guy gave the 'boy' involved a little talking to, i guess. i know he was jamaican because after that, he then proceeded to come over to me and try to chat me up. it was so skanky and hilarious. i was like, 'ummmm. i'll be back!' and went far far away.
we walked from tottenham court road and made it to oxford street before we found a taxi. gemma and i held onto each other and shivered back to the flat...as i'd forgotten the street name AND the name of the studio. ugh. what good am i?! showered and snuggled down in bed where i'm writing you now.
and now for the photofun...(i'll take more)
sunsets...

tom...

lucky... saved from the arcade.

paparazzi in training....

a vacuum/hoover playing a saxophone

ladbrook grove station. (location of kate moss' rimmel ad. yep.)

tomorrow is sunday...goodnight.

you look so tired happy...

i'm sitting in the airport. flight has been delayed. and i'm oh so very sleepy. and filled with worry and anxious thoughts... silly girl.
but.

'when anxiety is great within me, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer'

tick.tock.tick.tock

a thimble full of whiskey and i'll be as right as rain.

(i dont even drink whiskey. just like the line.)



this morning wasn't so good. but it would be dull to expound on that fact. so i'll tell you how much i enjoyed this little boy who had bright eyes and a smile that i couldn't resist. i'd hold him and whisper in his ear and he'd laugh every time...but come closer for more. and there was a little girl not feeling so very well. but after i rocked her to sleep and she had a good nap, she was a glorious sight to behold. we played all sorts of games. and then she and her older brother (who was probably 2) played this little game making the 'stereotypical-i'm-an-indian' sound back and forth. it was pretty much amazing.
i miss jordan and aaron.
i want a boy and girl.
someday. farther away.

countdown. 2.5 days?!
gah!
after a couple of conversations with clive, i fully realise that i need to calm down.

p.s.
has anyone else noticed how incredibly weird people are? not bad, necessarily. not good, obviously. just weird. hmm.

tickity-tock and other late night ramblings.

• i'm exhausted again.
• i'm disgusted with a couple of people. but that's only because i'm super protective of people i love. 3rd person offenses are dumb, but real.
• i wish i wasn't such a fire-cracker sometimes. i am a serious pistol when mad.
• i like john legend. there i said it.
• ever heard a pakistani boy sing like michael jackson and daniel johns from silver chair? i have. i was held hostage on my way out of the gym by the manager and other staff members for a sing-off in the foyer. the most hilarious/awkward thing i've experienced in a long time.
• i wonder when i'll meet boys who aren't sheep in wolves clothing. or just blatant wolves looking for a good time. (not related to the above randomness)
• my grandma said something about my getting married and i almost gagged. she said something about my music career and my heart skipped a beat. music is my boyfriend. yessssah!
• still nervous bout london.
• recording wednesday! yay! (it's refreshing to know i have to narrow the song choices down.) being productive is good.
• should be sleeping as i'm going to be helping out with this program involving mothers and their young children tomorrow morning. hooray for baby time. language barriers should be interesting though.
• i miss my babies. we had no language barrier. we communicated in at least 4 languages. i also need some hugs and kisses.
• i just watched that special on britney spears. i was curious?
  

say that you'll stay a little.

"show me that you love me. show me that you walk with me."

i have absolutely no photos from this past weekend. what kind of a rubbish girl am i?! right, so friday morning i made my way to manassas to see kim!!! so good. so wonderfully good. she was in town with 1/2 of her housemate couple, courtney. they were visiting courtney's best friend who's moved back to virginia recently from nyc. this friend of hers also happens to be an amazing stylist AND i'll be seeing her thursday morning before my departure, which is quite convenient. watch out now! then, there was the trip to the outhouse, i mean, refrigerated bathroom of this mexican restaurant. and then, we had lunch (a snack for me) on john legend's tab (thanks john). the girls drove back to nyc, and i was green with envy at the fact that they were speeding off to see a harry connick jr. show that night. but not too jealous, as i spent the evening with my mom and grandma which was absolutely delightful.

i've decided to bite the bullet and work at Geico. i think i need the security of the situation right now more than the flexibility...to get myself out of this straight-jacket of debt. it's not insurmountable, but it's just enough to make me crazy. and i've been making just not enough to do away with it. so that's that. i start on the 15th.

fingers crossed it works out to get into the studio before leaving for london thursday night. there are some new songs i'd like to get demo'd before i get there.
which brings me to panic prevention.
i do this thing where just before a big change or a big trip or the fulfillment of something i've been waiting on for absolutely ages, i freak out. just get scared out of my mind, like a bachelor on the starting line ready to sprint from commitment. i have it in my head that everything is going to go dreadfully wrong and somehow i'm going to be kicked to the curb and left out in the cold. of course this is absolutely unfounded and silly, as the overwhelming responses filling my inboxes would attest. (gosh, i'm really blessed to have some sweet friends.) nonetheless, i'll probably be horridly sick all day thursday. oh my sweet little irrational fears keeping me company. too afraid to be excited. that's what i think it boils down to. and then, by the end, i'll be weeping cos i have to leave. i am excited/nervous about some meetings, topshop and markets (so maybe i can own a few items without holes in them.), writing with friends, seeing london with friends... just BEING with friends. and this time i'll do my very best to take more photos.

i'm so sleepy. i'm not sleeping very well at night. butterflies are keeping me awake! and new songs are swirling in my head. lyrics. rhythms. and i love it! but i need some rest. my body is exhausted... as of late i average about 3 miles a day on the elliptical usually 6 - 7 days a week. and that doesn't include the weight training and other isolated exercises. now to just keep it up up up!

my grandma is singing 'my favourite things' at the top of her lungs downstairs.
she makes me laugh.
i'm off to bed. to sleep this time, i hope!

tell me a story, write down your secrets, and play this music as loud as can be...

so um, i guess you could say it came true.
next friday morning will be looking somewhat like this...

someone is happy.

that someone is me.

how's that for last minute booking?

and i wonder, louie, have you got room for me?

i've got secrets up my sleeves. and im hopin and wishin and prayin that they come true, so i can tell you so.
also, my heart strings got pulled today, and it squeezed too tight.
sleep deprivation is a sneaky little thing...and now, i'm being ambushed!

I either want to look like an excellently dressed boy or a kitten from the 1960s...

oh alexa freakin' chung.
can i be absolutely unoriginal for 30 seconds and say, that i'd like this for christmas?

thanks, i'm done.
so, all of this time on my hands leaves a lot of room for 4 things...

• working on music
• going to the gym
• reading
• thinking

sleeping has dropped from my list of priorites. and so has coffee drinking, actually. hmmm. i went to the gym tonight, came home and was absolutely amped out of my mind. i put on some bbc (bombay bicycle club), the rifles, and early maccabees and just jumped around faux-dancing to make my mom and grandma laugh for ages. i'm still not tired.
and i find myself lying awake in bed all night just reading til my eyes refuse to focus, or i toss and turn with unfinished song ideas on the raging seas of self-analyzing thoughts.
but, as i said in an earlier post, i feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years! and while this is absolutely liberating, it's also a bit perplexing. i have so many different facets that make up who i am, and i've been trying to figure out where that fits in with the world around me... trying to delete the bits i don't like, or that may not be as popular or whatever the heck i was thinking. lately, it feels like a season of self-discovery. embracing all of these facets. all of these colours. grasping the edges of the fact that i have all of these pieces for a reason. to stop picking the parts i love and heralding them and picking the parts i hate and burying them. but to just be ok with all of these things. be ok with the fact that i am a work in progress. to revel in the fact that i am an intricately designed creation... and stop trying to fit myself into the mold of another or limit myself because i'm unsure of what i see...or how i think others perceive me.

in short...'i need to be myself. i can't be no one else'
ah, so simple and yet, so true. what is this quote the gallaghers week?!
'i'm feeling supersonic, you can have it all but, how much do you want it?'
exactly.
and finally... words like 'perceive' remind me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_wOXkZ6OSw

it's like hearing my favourite song...

it plays... i can't stop listening. all the world is as it was meant to be seen. and everytime i blink, i see it all over again for the first time.
and you tell me, i am even more beautiful than all of this. and i know you mean it.
my eyes lower and i remember...

the memory of this one and that one becomes one face. a handsome face i would dote upon with the swaying motion of a school girl's first crush. my heart flutters and hiccups at his affectionate attention. i search his eyes, but they're good at telling stories, and i, foolish girl, love reading them. and he gazes back at me, pupils dilated in a drunken haze of passion as lovers do, but he never sees past my skin and bones. i am simply a prize to be won. he says all the right words, but it's all been said before to countless other girls. i'm not the first to see this broadway performance. and if, deep down, i knew that, i never wanted to believe it was true. i made-believe it was opening night for a special audience of one.
or perhaps it's him... the unwanted gaze from that over-eager friendly face. his eyes roaming, diverting, planning, pretending to be thoughtful, while undressing and laying me bare. no matter what face, what name. they are all one in the same. but all those...
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
so easy. so sure. disarming all alarms. words. empty and all of them meaningless in his conquest, to make himself feel more like a man, not to make me feel his love. because, in his eyes i'm as money. he'll stop at nothing to get it, and once he's won with that hand, he'll up the stakes and play for more. the last pot of winnings forgotten, and on to the next. if at first he doesn't succeed, he moves to the next phase like a shrewd businessman...hungry rich fool panting for more. and so, now he looks long enough to learn the lines that are etched into the heart on my sleeve. for no other reason than, it's the groundwork for the deal. unbeknownst to me, of course... and so he takes his time, his venom coated in honey lures me further in. and he'll stop at nothing until he finds my moment of weakness. he makes an offer drenched in lies, and hopes i won't refuse. maybe i don't. and maybe i do. i did. but my answer irrelivant, he'll take what he came for anyway.
and when it's over, as he walks me to his door, he'll convince me it was all my own doing...and it is he who is the victim of my ruthless ambition to conquer a poor warm-blooded man. the door closes.
and everytime i sink to the ground.
and here comes the shame.
here comes the fear.
and another vow to myself that i will never let him get me again.

and as quickly as the memory comes, you speak, and it all flies away... almost as though it can't get away from your voice fast enough. forgotten like ashes scattered across the sea on the winds that feel like the sound of your name.
it's like hearing my favourite song... it plays... i can't stop listening. all the world is as it was meant to be seen. and everytime i blink, i see it all over again for the first time. and you tell me, i am even more beautiful than all of this. and i know you mean it.
i lift my eyes and now, i believe you. and i cannot remember any other face.

think of all the fellas that i haven't kissed. next year i could be just as good, if you'd check off my christmas list...

my ultimate christmas gift involves...
boarding.

landing at my favourite destination.

(photo by dan shearman. soooo good, huh?)
being in somekindawonderful situation where everything is sorted. including my music visa.

so i'm moving in here...

into a modest flat reminiscent of this... (sans the furnishings of course.)

overlooking regents canal. less than a 5 minute walk from kings cross station. and not too far from camden town.

with a bathroom that has a huge bathtub in it and a place for candles and all of those things.

and all of my family and friends coming to see it.
then, i could be near my english friends (and french and german and swiss and italian and greek) all the time. and people could have a place to stay, so they wouldn't have to rush off in the middle of the night to catch the last train. and i'd write and record my songs, and people would buy them...and i'd get into all the other things i'd love to do...like fashion and photography and film. my family would be taken care of financially. my mom wouldn't have to work anymore, except for doing things she loves. my grandma could have her little getaway spot in myrtle beach.

a mac computer and a new camera to keep everyone up to speed.

and winston

to keep me warm til my love comes.

this is my favourite dream.

the one i wish for every single day of my life.

back to reality. oh, there goes gravity...

job hunting and decisions have my head in a horrible whirl. i'm finding myself having the most horrid dreams and consequently bad sleep and panicked feelings and all of those sorts of things. i'm working out almost every day, so it isn't my lack of physical activity! not one job option seems to be cut and dry. for example, one job is going to pay more money than i've ever been paid, but the hours aren't very nice and apart from weekends, i wouldn't be able to travel at all. WHICH is one of the little reasons i wanted to go home in the first place.
and then there's the waiting game. waiting waiting waiting to hear from everyone, and then trying to make a decision based on what i hear. in one sense it would be wonderful to make a crapload of cash. but then, what's it all for, if i'm not able to really do music as much as i'd like?!

yep. i'm overwhelmed.

also, there are some african refugees living down the street. i found out today that some kids have been taking it upon themselves to gang up on a couple of these refugee kids as they get off the bus at the end of the day. i'm still angry about it. these kids have gone through so much. soooo much! and then, they come here, and are going through such a huge adjustment... and get to be beat up as they leave a school bus because...oh wait! there is no reason for it!
i got so angry i just started crying.
why am i such a mess?!
i talked to jordan & aaron last night, my heart melted, i hung up the phone and i started crying.

i am, though, looking forward to colleen coming, oasis + ryan adams in december, and hopefully getting to nyc to see dan and guy!!!

now if only i can devise a plan to get myself to london.

uuuuuggggghhhhh!

waiting for the day you're not looking for something else.

once upon a time...
i was in manchester at the 'in the city' festival thing. i was with my, then boyfriend, his friend and flatmates, and we watched a short set by the rifles. i'd just been introduced to their music, and i was fond them already, but seeing them live was even better. i remember going up to their singer afterward and telling him how much i loved his tunes, at which point he just gaped at me excitedly and said, 'what are you doing here?!' as in, what was i doing there all the way from america. we chatted briefly and parted ways.
i liked them then.
i like them still.
good songs make my day, these days.


last night, my mom and i had a free session each with a personal trainer.
today, i can hardly move.
where do i sign up?

p.s. - why on earth do i go ahead and watch things like law & order svu?? now, i'll never get to sleep! gah!

on how to be lovely...

this is pretty much what it felt like at the library today.

i knew precisely what i wanted and couldn't find it.
because everything was a hot mess. literally.
it was so hot. and such a mess. i go to check out the one book i managed to find... then, to top it all off, after being away nearly 5 years, i apparently owe $10 in fines.
oh, God bless the library.
and this?

this, i can't even talk about.
i quit.
i'll stick with my british vogue...

thanks very much.

well, you better not get in my way. cos i'm tryin, tryin, i'm so tired of tryin.

i'm on the elliptical thinking, "i'll probably keep it short and do 20 minutes. " cnn was on. blah blah. blah. essentially. oh no, wait. there WAS the story about the new ad for an adultry service. like, a dating service for married people to cheat. awesome. then, there was the story about the couple getting a divorce because the husband was having an alleged affair in 'second life'. (that takes place online). also, awesome. at this point, i'm nearing 20 minutes and just about to wrap things up, when a little message flashes across the bottom of the screen that there was a stabbing incident at the Urban Music Awards in London.

i was so annoyed, i kept going another 15 minutes.
i've learned the news IS the best thing to have on while working out. pay attention long enough and something is bound to upset you and cause you to work harder. though, i'm far happier with america's next top model marathons, thanks.

i simply remember my favourite things and then i don't feel so bad.

Esser.


thanks to a very "sexual drummer", and a couple of photographers i'm absolutely aching for london. i mean, i'm always partially there, i think. but, then there are times when i can't even stand it. my little heart bursting in my chest for it... and with each beat, it seems a rush of memories to the head. another face, i'm tired of missing.
at least, i don't have to miss colleen's face too much longer! countdown til december. finally someone is coming to visit.
but, in the meantime, i really wish it wasn't nearly 3.00am london time. or for that matter 4.00 vienna time. i wish your phone was working...er rather that it were cheaper to talk on international roam. i wish i was there! because, if i may put it precisely as mister gallagher, "i wanna talk tonight..."
i wrote a new song about one of those faces. my long lost bff, if you will. he would.
i will leave out all of the disclaimers of inadequacy... and just let you see the page from the notebook, already:

at angel station

we started conversation

that wrapped around the town

til they all gathered round

did you even see them?

cos, i couldn't see them

gazing at the man who

almost touched the ceiling

oh oh, i just wanna say...

walked to some new places

passed some painted faces

learned nothing was open

standing in the cold and

waiting for the number

still shivering under

that february night

wrapped up in city light

oh oh, i just wanna say...
i like you 'when the strings come in'
and when you put your paper to pen
talking on the telephone
singing songs by cass mccombs
call me crazy if you like
you're probably just plain right
all of this is just to say
i like you, anyway.

he charged me a fortune

just to get back in

and sleep for a moment

it's already morning

planes are taking off and

we could still be talking

staring at the ocean

wondering where i'm going

oh oh, i just wanna say

i like you 'when the strings come in'

and when you put your paper to pen

talking on the telephone

singing songs by cass mccombs

call me crazy if you like

you're probably just plain right

i just wanna talk tonight

can we just talk tonight

and alright lets go outside and rise rise rise to the meaning of life.

sometimes i think it would be nice to be somebody else.
then, i think that would be the worst idea ever.
mostly i wish i could see myself the way my family sees me.

apparently, i'm trying to catch pneumonia... i went job hunting today, and my cloth shoes were soaked in the cold rain.
and sometimes i wish i was better at waiting.
this unemployment thing is causing me to be an absolute wreck.
*edit*
and sometimes i have these rare moments of clarity, where i realise that i can choose to think things will work out. i can choose to accept the encouragement of my friends. i can choose to accept the love of my family...be humbled, and do the very best i can do. because, this too, will pass.
or.
i can sit and wallow in my own self-pity. which, i assure you, is what comes easiest.

and sometimes i have to make that choice more than once a day...
one day at a time.

curious george. xoxo.

has anyone else noticed that the soundtrack for Gossip Girl is pretty much the same as the playlists for nme radio/xfm london/zane lowe?

i'm not arguing. i'm just sayin, i've noticed.

on the street where you live...

Every year for the last 17 years, there has been this Fredericksburg Merchants Day. Many of the merchants in downtown Fredericksburg have a special sidewalk sale and other such things. Well, my old music school takes part each year, having the students perform on the sidewalk, and this year was no exception. I was pleasantly surprised, when my music teacher, Nackie, invited me to take part this year to sing and play a couple of songs. It was so good to see her again and all of the other teachers, as well. I love hearing the songs I used to play, and songs my classmates played. It's always sweet seeing the little kids that are really into it. The ones with hilarious personality. And then, I was utterly humbled, when 2 students, in particular, showed up early for their performance time, just to hear me sing and play. It was a really last minute thing, (my playing) and I can't even begin to explain how encouraging it was. Not to mention the loveliest e-mails and text messages I've received lately, from nyc, nashville, and across the sea... especially the phone calls from Amanda. =) But, this afternoon was, in fact, the icing on the cake. (and, if you know me, you'll be acutely aware that it is, in fact, my favourite part of the cake.) AND then... As strange as this may sound, I was encouraged by my own performance. Over the last couple of years, I feel my live-singing and playing has been incredibly weak in comparison to what it used to be... and if a gig went well, it was only because I'd been playing a couple of shows in a row, doing a lot of practicing, add a dash of adrenaline, ok, make that a gallon of it...and voila! I'd be moderately pleased. I'm excited to see a change in the strength of my voice, is what I'm really trying to say.
That, and I had such a wonderful time seeing and being with everyone again. More than this, I felt easy in my own skin. A feeling I never seemed to make stay while in Nashville, and I've yet to understand why...

random knowledge:

• i'm reading a book on julie andrews, and i am amazed. i like her, officially.
• rex harrison might not be as nice as i'd thought. hmmm.
• i watched a documentary on opium and it's derivatives.
• i then, gave my mom and grandma an opium/morphine/heroine lesson.
• i want my children to say things like "something has gone amiss!"
• Silvio Berlusconi makes me laugh, hailing Obama's suntan.
• i have one too. trust me, it's grand.

uh-mazing.

oh i believe in yesterday...

los campesinos pre-release in my inbox? oh please be amazing!

right. back to yesterday...
10 am. we're leaving the house. vote time. and nearly 3 hours, 3 voting locations, a voting mishap (yep. only me.), and a hello to someone i haven't seen in absolutely ages later, and i was finally finished... in my car sippin on a peppermint mocha twist. yum.
deeeelightful.
so my mom, grandma and i drove to montross, virginia...near george washington's boyhood home and robert e lee's birthplace... to this little restaurant called Yesterdays. i forgot how amazing their food is. i forgot how bad crabcakes are the farther i get from the coast. it was simply wonderful being with my mom & grandma...with no place we were rushing off to. just to be able to pick whatever we wanted from the menu, and enjoy every gorgeous bite, and sit and talk about whatever came to our heads.

last night there was rain. i went to the gym, and ran my guts out, then filled up my gas tank for $34.
ah, these are the days that i've been missin.
back home in time to snuggle down and drink up some hot chocolate with grandma.

it's the little things.

laughter is good medicine...

so i'm overdosing on snl.

i must find why my mind is behaving like a dancer.

I wonder why I'm like a little girl when watching 'Funny Face'. Hardly breathing, at times, hands clasped, and with a sigh in my voice saying something like, "Gosh! Isn't it all so lovely?!"
It happens all the time. Fact.
Also, I wonder if anyone else notices how reminiscent 'Devil Wears Prada' is of 'Funny Face'?

I had a dream last night and Johnny Borrell was in it.
uh...
absolutely NO idea.

speaking of dreaming...
Goodnight.

in the last 24 hours...

i have:

• gone on a hay ride
• toasted marshmallows
• hunted for pumpkins in the dark
• run at least mile
• taken a ballet class and pilates class with my mom
• engaged in an international phone conversation
• stopped being stubborn and located the hands-free thing for my phone
• practiced piano until my wrists and hands ached
• written half a song
• officially misplaced my voter registration card AND a comb.
• had a couple of moments of deep sadness realizing how desperately i miss some people. (and halloween/birthday celebrations in nashville. hohum.)

and now it's move the clocks back time! which is, apart from greenwich meantime and christmastime, perhaps one of my favourite times of the year.

happy pumpkins and spooks, and saints day.

it's good to be home.

in the words of kermit the frog, "i haven't been feeling quite like myself lately."

i just keep trying to remember that all of these things are temporary problems. but, the bills are due, and there's no job yet. and my patience is nearly non-existant. my trust is waning and anxiety waxing. and yet, that all too familiar tightening in my chest hasn't come since the dam holding back all of my emotions exploded sometime last week... my grandma simply said, "what's on your mind?" and i let it all out...said everything. and i just cried. cried. cried.
i have no answers. just do what you can do, and wait.

so now, i'm back in my childhood home. back in my hometown. i'm lost in all of the familiar sights and sounds and smells and tastes. it's funny how opening an old kitchen cabinet door can flood your mind with memories of playing with pots and pans and baking. the walk in closet, and the way i used to pray that the back would open up for me into narnia. the same spot on the ceiling where the paint is peeling, that i'd stare at before falling asleep.

i had completely forgotten how beautiful downtown fredericksburg really is. how enchanting it is. and why on earth i was in love with this town as a child... always living in a world of make-believe... that i was born in a different time. my mind, constantly racing between the colonial cobblestone streets to the trees lining the river, pretending to be an indian princess doing my best not to make a sound on the crunchy leaves.

be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.