taking the cure so i can be quiet whenever i want...

the maccabees are my warm blanket.
radiohead is a lullabye singing my heart to sleep.

kasabian paints my face with gold...
and i'm dancin around like a brave little princess.

and the beatles make me feel like...
well, a bit more like myself.
a grand little mixture of all these things.

one day at a time.
one song at a time.

hope sang in the middle of the night.

I gave away my kisses
And a golden heart
No sooner than I gave it
He’d torn it apart
No reciprocity
No closure to be had
I never knew that I could
Ever feel so bad

When the walls come crashing down
Lifted from the ground
Their arms are all around
Hold tight we’ll soon be found

I lost the one I wanted
Again again again
Once the talks of love and laughter
Now, "lets just be friends"
I held him oh so close
And now it’s lost at sea
Try to escape tonight
and sing oh lonesome me

When the walls come crashing down
Lifted from the ground
Their arms are all around
Hold tight we’ll soon be found

We never saw it coming
There weren’t any signs
All of our hearts exploded
And she lost her mind
A thousand sorries will not heal
Our sinking ship
Sometimes you have to choose
To love when you don’t feel it

When the walls come crashing down
Lifted from the ground
Their arms are all around
Hold tight we’ll soon be found

I wonder if it ever stops hurting
I wonder is it ever enough
I wonder if I’ll really stop loving
I wonder if I can just give up
Black eyed but hopeful I wandered
Over continents and hundreds of lakes
But it always seems there’s somebody better
And I lose right when I’ve raised the stakes

But we hold on
Til the storm is over
And though it seems so long
It won’t last forever

I wonder if the moon is still reaching
Or if I’m building paper rockets and planes
I wonder if the music I’m hearing could
Swallow me up and rescue me from the pain
So I knocked on the door of the author
Of the story that I’m told I am in
I’m just wonderin if it really gets better
Or is there just another really bad end

And he said, hold on
Til the storm is over
And though it seems so long
It won’t last forever
Hold on
We are gonna get over
And it seems so wrong
But it’s getting better

one last little thing.

i'm sorry if this hurts.
(ok no i'm not, really.)
i'm sorry if this offends.
(yes, really.)

but stay the f*** away from my heart.

something good.

Out to play
In a tidal wave
The world came down
In just one day
Holding on to
A busted ship
We can get through all of this

Make something
Make something
Good of this
Tell me something
Tell me true
That it won’t stay like this

Took a bath
In the setting sun
They warned a hurricane
Was gonna come
And I screamed all night
At the blacked out stars
And I begged to know
Just who you are

Make something
Make something
Good of this
Tell me something
Tell me true
That it won’t stay like this

We just sat there
Wringing our hands
Looking at the ashes
Of all our plans
And I need that spirit
that makes it all new
and I’m doubting it all
but I still need you

Make something
Make something
Good of this
Tell me something
Tell me true
That it won’t stay like this

natalie portman.

good heavens. she is unbelievably gorgeous.

well i got something to say, my friends. i will never lay down without a fight.

i've been reading Donald Miller's "A million Miles in a Thousand Years". and i mostly feel like i'm looking in a mirror. or reading about myself. reading about my family...

"Robert McKee put down his coffee cup and leaned onto the podium. He put his hand on his forehead and wiped back his gray hair. He said, "You have to take your character to the place where he just can't take it anymore." He looked at us with a tenderness we hadn't seen in him before. "You've been there haven't you? You've been out on the ledge. The marriage is over now; the dream is over now; nothing good can come from this."
He got louder. "Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasties come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person."
His voice was like thunder now. "You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change."

a couple of pages later:

"...I wasn't numb anymore. I was allowed to feel the brunt of it. The bones penetrated my chest in a sudden rip, emptying a body of blood down my shirt and onto my lap. The blood pooled in the lap of my pants and seeped into the carpet in my hotel room. I clasped my hand over my heart and knelt between the bed and the television and rolled onto the floor and cried out to God a lamenting demand that he would come and save me from the sorrow that, for the immensity of it, I could only attribute to him in the first place. I didn't want to learn whatever it was he wanted to teach me. I cried out to him an angry petititon for rescue. I doubted him and needed him at the same time. God seemed to me, in that moment, a cruel father burning a scar into my skin with his cigarette. And yet I knew he was the only one with the power to make the pain go away."

i understand nothing in this moment.
my heart feels like it's in a coma.
and further, if there was any hope left for love in the romantic sense, i assure you it's dead.
my trust has been shot down within inches of obliteration.
so, good luck with that.
and i hate this year with a passion i can't even begin to express.
i'm tired of being strong.