Saturday, January 31, 2009


until early this morning, i had been awake for nearly 48 hours, propelled by 3 hours of sleep and fuelled by copious amounts of caffeine. and i feel absolutely ill... not to mention my throat hurts to the point of needing severe painkillers. no kidding around, friends. so, other than heading out for the longest lunch break of my life and getting some gatorade, it's been yet another day in bed snuggled down with audrey hepburn films. it looks like tomorrow may be very similar, actually. i'd really just like to know what's wrong with me. one of those times when health insurance would come in handy.
i officially miss nashville. i'll just leave it at that.
though, i still miss london, most.
i unknowningly took this psychological test last night in the car while driving to richmond. i was to picture 3 items that in the end, represented myself, my friends and my lover. not only was it important how you viewed these items, but the proximity of these things, as well.
interestingly enough, i viewed them all completely separate from one another. none being together in the same scene. everything unattached. gosh, that's telling and mostly sad and pathetic.
i would just like to know why it's so easy for people to walk away from me. to leave me and never look back. why i'm a person who though, never really forgotten and maybe even often thought of, is never really missed. my presence isn't craved. i'm not the sort of person one would go miles for. i'm the pencilled in type. the afterthought, usually. the 'oh, i was on my way here, and i thought of you!'
but mostly, i love how so many people have this perception of me that is so very opposite.
and i'm tired of feeling sad. and if that's the theme for this year, then let's please fast-forward to next year. in the meantime, i'll be sipping my gatorade.

Friday, January 30, 2009

your daughters in love...

i need to remember that when i'm tired, my eyes become magnifying glasses and everything is far more exaggerated than necessary. but, i'm tired of being overwhelmed by things like debt.
i kind of feel like an alien lately. but i'm strangely ok with this. mostly because i'm absolutely aware that i'm not alone.
**perfectionism is choking my creativity.**
i went to the studio last night...1 new song, and 3 piano tracks to be finished sometime next week.
and i'm excited but it isn't finished.
maybe it isn't choking my creativity. maybe it's like the 6th day of genesis.
maybe i should, again, stop being so hard on myself and not take my dissatisfaction as failure or creative handicap or flaw, and rather be patient with myself, take a deep breath, rise to the occassion, and just make the darned thing better.
so, i seriously need to stop being so hard on myself about pretty much everything.

i'm reminded of this pretty much every day. everytime i'll take a moment to listen. the inner voice of love speaks so cleary and so loudly when i'll just stop talking. stop running my brain rampant, and stop focusing on all my shortcomings. when i just get still.

once again the sunrise was astounding. but in the softest sweetest way. as if the sky blushed and started to glow like a girl in love when the sun rose to wake her...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i wasn't prepared for this...

yesterday afternoon, i slept through half of 'my fair lady'...and dreamed i was singing along to the songs. woke up. went back to bed around 10pm. and slept 13 hours.

i didn't realise just how unwell i was!

recording tomorrow.
i feel so unprepared.
and mother/father. yippeee!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

do you ever wonder? no. no. no!

today is tuesday, january 27, 2008.
and these are my thoughts:

  • it's snowing... and it's beautiful out.
  • but, inside i feel gross. physically and heart-ily.
  • though when i'm feeling better, all i want is a place to dance around to this new franz ferdinand record. i can't even deal with it...good heavens.
  • i left work early and nearly crashed at least 3 times. for some reason, the roads were just crazy slippery... though, it wasn't icy or slushy, really... gosh, i should have turned around this morning.
  • i saw your picture and i got all weak in the knees-like. but, mostly i wonder how you are. i should call you today and see how life is.
  • i saw pictures of jordan and aaron and i wanted to cry. because i miss them. there's a full-on void in my heart.
  • i saw pictures of my friends and i wanted to have them around. to just be in the same room.
  • i conversated with a couple of guys, and afterward i just felt sick...
  • partly because it makes me miss someone who's conversations always left me smiling and deeply happy and feeling uplifted, as opposed to the aforementioned causing annoyance and nausea.
  • oh, and no. i am not interested.
  • i would like a good night of sleep. where i wake up feeling refreshed.
  • why do i always want to just run?
  • i wish my chest would stop hurting.
  • i wish i could have c.s. lewis as a dad. or you know, a second dad or something.
  • i'm staying in bed. it's nicer in here.

good afternoon. good evening. and goodnight.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

urban hang suite.

  • i listened to maxwell and loved every second of it.
  • i need to learn to eat child-sized portions. because my eyes are now far bigger than my stomach. and i want to vomit all the time. (that's attractive, huh?)
  • i watched golf for 40 minutes at the gym.
  • i don't even know how the aforementioned detail even happened.
  • i think i like bob hope. he told good jokes.
  • there was a man wearing far too much spandex, that showed off every detail of his beer-belly, and he was running like a fugitive on an elliptical machine while watching 'dumb and dumber'. my mouth hit the floor.
  • i have decided that if i am still single and turning into an old maid in my 30s, i'm just going to move someplace with my favourite still confirmed bachelorettes and we'll just cry. and then, be happy cos we'll adopt babies from orphanages and puppies from the pound. plan.
  • i like being quiet.
  • and listening to bon iver like i'll never hear it again.


numbers on the screen
letters make a grid
drop down to the scene
i'll tell you what i did
i'm over processing
so hurry if you will
my legs wanna dance
and i can't keep them still

don't you wake my heart
and tear it all apart
don't you even start
unless you mean it
mean to keep it

stars around my head
i'm wishing on them all
one dropped down into my hand
and i put it on your wall
i'm waiting with my friends
waiting just for you
there's kisses on my lips
i'm saving for you too

don't you wake my heart
and tear it all apart
don't you even start
and take me that far
unless you mean it
mean to keep it

after darkness light
will chase away the night
you'll say, "come away"
and with you i will stay
only if you mean it
mean to keep it
caught a glimpse of a new life
in a different light
i've got a secret kinda disease
keeps me on my knees
the best kiss i ever received
i wiped on my sleeve
was just trying to be a different kind
and i went straight

out of my mind.
out of my mind...

i walked the road in tragedy
but i still keep you laughing
wrap you in a winter coat
and write it out in a note
when i'm angry i start to cry
and i still wonder why
trying to be a different kind
but i'm just

losing my mind.
losing my mind...

Friday, January 23, 2009

my lonely little heart would've broke again. times were vicious.

i would just like to say how incredibly grateful i am to be surrounded by such wonderful wonderful friends. just a small handful. but they mean everything. i don't even have words. and i'm humbled by how sweet they are.! from phone calls, to keeping me company on instant messenger, to text messages, to sending me ryan adams downloads for free, to letting me hear their new projects, to their encouragement to their minds sending me reeling in hysterical laughter... it's nice all the ways and shapes that love comes in.

also. bullets of the day? ready? bang:

  • i work with crazy people.
  • tom oxley and eddie make me laugh. a lot.
  • it is still funny when people are singing with headphones on.
  • it still makes me nuts when people talk to small children like they're invalids. or super loud like they're going deaf or something.
  • there are 2 sides to every coin. so, does the edge make 3?
  • i have this insatiable talent for mischief and giggling at everything when i'm not supposed to be. like around 3 on a friday afternoon or when my boss is in a bad mood... like now?
  • i love stuffed soy pockets.
  • i have discovered a mysterious and slightly sinister scar on the back of my hand.
  • i wonder if it's the sort of thing my kids will notice? you know, because children tend to notice those little teeny things...without even meaning to. i used to notice those kinds of things, anyway...
  • it's friday. glory be.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

i am in repair.

open the windows and doors.
let the air rush in
to quiet my begging for something more
let the pain out.
bleed out.
a cold shout.
God, it burns.
do i ever learn?
your icy shoulder on my lips
it hurts
the coat of arms on my fingertips
it's not the first
but, i swear it's worst
and deeper still
in for the kill
the frost bites down hard
and it's already scarred
i keep saying i'm sorry
with the room spinning and starry
no ranting or raving
just quietly waiting
consciousness fading
and still i want one thing,
one thing im craving.
but will it show?
i mean, before i go?
and in my weary heart will it be stayed?
or will i sleep alone til flowers bloom
to weap upon an empty grave?
so i hold on tight,
today, i'm brave
but with the night
i fall and am again much afraid.

but grace...

i want to see your love play live...

"no more will i lend my heart out."
i can't find security strong enough to guard it.
and, really is it mine to lend?
like an actress with a bad stylist and no intuition, you're wearing it all wrong.
waving it round like a glow stick in a nu rave scene.
i mean...what?
because i'll have no love that's unrequited with it's kisses that must be returned...because they feel stolen. and i hate your absence... love of mine.
well, not yours or mine.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

i'm feeling rough. i'm feeling raw, i'm in the prime of my life.

what i would give to be in the car with you and a box of wheat thins.
one day we're going to look back and this is all going to make perfect sense.
til then, little love...
everything's not lost.
we are not a hopeless cause.
we are right where we belong.
now, hold on to me!

this would suck so much more without you.

thank you for hearing me.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

i am my mother's only one. it's enough.

  • since new year's, i have made no new year's resolutions or lists of things i'd like to accomplish in the next year.
  • i have, though, written 3 brand new songs. i mean, record-ready.
  • i have managed to lose my appetite and 10 lbs with it.
  • i made 2 purchases today that i'm absolutely obsessed with.
    ** Coldplay - Prospekt's March EP
    ** Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
    (i only want to know what took me so long!)
  • The February issue of US Vogue makes me unreasonably happy.
  • i think vanessa & ellie are officially 2 of my favourite girls in the entire world.
  • i heard secrets about the new white house staff that makes me laugh. a lot.
  • i went to the church today, only to discover the heat wouldn't come on. and i decided to be braver than usual and go which point i discovered the floor was covered in water. apparently a pipe has a burst in the boiler room.
  • church is cancelled. which means, i could have been in nashville tonight...
  • ...
  • ...
  • ...

but i love it when you come over to my house.

into the wilderness places
down by the broken oasis
looking for water but
all i found there was you
i was the song you were writing
the poetry you were reciting
i was covered in ashes the day i met you

it's all i can say.

my heart was obliterated
vision distorted and jaded
i had become what i hated
until there was you
you found me down on the bottom
wrapped in the depths of the ocean
surely i have been forgotten
by all of them but you

it's all i can say.

hidden away in the garden
into your arms i have fallen
and i can't remember anything
i'm drowning in you
you are the song that i'm writing
the poetry i've been reciting
everything has become beautiful
because of you

it's all i can say.

Friday, January 16, 2009

karma police, arrest this man.

my heart is breaking for one of my friends.
i do not...
i cannot understand...
why some of the best women in the entire world are treated the way they are treated by 'men' who know better.
this is something in life i simply cannot fathom.
and i'm sick of it happening over and over and over again to the sweetest, most loving girls who absolutely don't deserve it.

and i told you to be patient...

  • i have off monday AND tuesday now. inauguration ridiculousness is taking over the world. and every bridge and every street... it's going to be manic round here.
  • i can't leave town because of commitments on sunday. and i'm real real REAL pissy.
  • i have bon iver stuck in my head. and i don't want to get him out.
  • i was so hyper all the way to work. and now, i'm sleep-typing. bonus.
  • i love how people say "warsh" instead of "wash"
  • and "mundee" instead of "monday"
  • i officially admit that it grates on my nerves when people make strange noises, incessantly sniff like they have a coke habit, or when they make mouth the kind when someone is noisily biting their nails or smacking their eating with their mouth wide open. seriously, i can't even deal.
  • i would like, however, to go to nashville and make stephy smile again. (that is, selfishly assuming that i could do that, of course.)
  • and see ellie-belle.
  • and e-man and warles and mister worley
  • and manda panda if she's back from africa.
  • and everyone else i've missed.
  • or i wish i had money to go and see vanessa. ugh.

here's the truth about it all...i think i'm just afraid of being bored for 4 days. i think i'm afraid of being lonely over the weekend. and i'd rather run away someplace where i can avoid being alone with my thoughts and very little distraction. and i think sunday will either be a really really good day or a really really bad day.

i had a dream that i saw the kids last night. that all my favourites were coming to this birthday party of mine. it's not even close to my birthday. and why a bunch of 3-6 year olds were excited about my birthday party is beyond me. nonetheless, it was my dream. and i was happy.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

upon eating a strawberry frosted mini-wheat...

or six.
six strawberry frosted mini-wheats. which is probably the serving size. hah!
i am unusually exhausted. and i have the attention span of a very small... wait. what was i saying? where was i going with that?
i wonder if these have any sort of nutritional value whatsoever? i doubt it highly.
i enjoy talking to vanessa. i'd like to talk to her now, actually. or just leave here and have brunch and go do fun adventurous things.
these are addictive. crap!
dan and his treats.
break is just about over. and i don't want to start working. my brain is still in bed. it's a day for pajamas and comfy socks.
i'm officially tired of hearing about obama.
all excitement and good things aside. i just mean, the stupid media overload. obama just walked down the street! obama drinks hot chocolate! obama has narrowed it down to 3 dog choices! wait. this just in...2 dog choices! obama watched bob the builder. seriously. has no one else noticed his entire campaign slogan of YES WE CAN was the bob the builder phrase?! he had daughters who toootally watched it. i think it's hilarious.
oh but we're all too serious about our love for this guy to poke any sort of fun. so pardon my inappropriate behaviour. =)
vanessa laughed.
i wrote a new song last night.
a little sadder than the last. but i really really realllly like it too.
i can't wait for you to hear it.
the ladies bathroom at work: i'm wondering if there is, in fact, something magical in the handicapped stall. there are i dunno, 6 stalls in this restroom. and every single time someone (apart from myself) goes in, they use the very 1st stall (pop up video once said that was the cleanest.) and the handicapped stall. none of them are handicapped. do they like the extra space? or is there something magical about this grand stall like a coffee machine?! or maybe it's got a drug stash. hahahaha (i am in need of some lock stock and two smoking barrels. lord.) whatever it is, i mean to find out.
back to work. problems in the processing...
can we fix it?!
YES WE CAN! hehehehehe

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


did you hear me when i said i was afraid?
did you care when i choked back the tears to say the things i said?
did you smile at my heart heaving where your head did lay?
did you cry that last time you watched me drive away?
did it move you to tears that i fell into despondency over your loss?
does it cause you to be sick from all the pain you've caused?
or happy are you to dance and love and drink
and gladly woo another who will soon be just like me?
did it feel so heavy in your palm when i gave back your ring?
do you even wonder things like, where the hell i've been?
but then, why does it even matter?
that's life. just tit for tat.
you had me and you left me.
and that, "kind sir", is that.
planes taking off and landing
boats sailing round the harbor handing
the river it's extra rhythms and creases
on this world, i wonder what our lease is?
and have we loved or scorned her
taken advantage and not stopped to wonder
neither does she
but for the calm this dirty river brings
but for the ache it soothes in me
tributary to my wildest sea
only the hand of God and his orbit pull the tides over me
sweep me away from all i've seen
from how i've learned i should perceive
rinse my eyes of this dismal grief
and fill with hopeful stars the dark places in me
escape with me to union street
keep me warm in the winter breeze
standing 'neath the naked trees
my pride has fallen on its knees
lets stay
let's drown in togetherness
from the quay
let's sail our heaviness
and just at the horizon we'll watch it sink
down. forgotten. buried beneath.
erase me.
let the new begin.
like the night sky
when the sun moves in
absorb my darkness
invade my thin skin
remake me.
please let's start again.

Monday, January 12, 2009

and the yellow moon glowed bright, til the morning light. terrible am i child. even if you don't mind.

i keep:

  • getting to work early in the morning, and taking my camera, bella, to union st.
  • getting enchanted by the sunrise and the water and the lights of old town.
  • making my escape there or to starbucks to write during lunch.
  • drinking copious amounts of coffee.
  • missing vanessa's calls.
  • giggling when people are ranting and being loud and somewhat rude. (well, not at the people getting reemed out due to hormone imbalances.) i'd usually feel upset. and let that sort of thing ruin my day. but there's enough to be down about. so now, it's all getting amusing, i think.
  • feeling nauseated. (see the one about copious amounts of coffee)
  • discovering more people i know who are effing insane... and just plain mean. the two make an awful combination, i think. and it's funny, like hysterically so, how i'm absolutely nothing but sweetness and peaches and pears to all of these people that come to mind... and they feel the need to be horrible to me. (usually in a passive aggressive sort of way) and say awful things about me. and pretty much make me out to be a nasty person. and each time i go and soul-search to see if they're right. but i realise, they're just plain wrong and crazy. so, if you are like this... just close my page. delete my number. delete me as a facebook/myspace whatever friend, and fare the well. and please, don't come back until you can play nice. thanks.
  • although, i embrace this new perspective and all that i'm learning and walking through. and though it is a very very sweet time, and i wouldn't want to rush it... i will be ever so glad when it's over. =)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

white winter hymnal.

i wonder how come we have to hit 'the bottom' so often before we can really begin to move forward? and out of these broken places come the loveliest of things. i really am, in many ways, annoyed by this fact. but a fact it is. and i've written a new song. all in one night. music and lyrics and i'm kind of in love with it. and best of all, it's in a key i've never been so good at. so, i guess it's all worth it for that.

fleet foxes have been keeping me company.
[if you take the best parts of these songs. the sweeping, breathtaking parts. that's what it feels like. if feeling could sing, that's what it would sound like underneath my skin.]

i can't believe what a hardened girl i've become over the past couple of years, i think. i can't believe how many dreams i've let die, because of what i've been so afraid will never come. so, it's been strange coming back to the start of things. the real heart desires. because, in this place, they aren't clouded. they aren't diluted. they're as strong as ever, and beating brightly in my chest. and that's absolutely wonderful. and absolutely terrifying all at the very same time.

there's nothing left to do, but believe something bigger.

Friday, January 9, 2009

come awake.

my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
you see, i was walking alone with him in this place. this desert wasteland... great vacation spot. i recommend it highly. it's burning during the day and it's freezing cold at night. bi-polar conditions all in one shot. anxiety in my chest. gripping. squeezing so tight for dear life. my life. the last drops of control. they all thought i was going down to the depths. the dark depths of the hell within. they all thought i was crazy. acting like i was drunk. wailing in the temple for him to just hear me. for him to remember me. for him to show up... so he did. and off we went to this aforementioned place. yes, back to my story. let's stay on track. this desert wasteland. burning hot days and freezing nights. like nature had gone to an insane asylum, and i was seated in the chamber of her thoughts. in her room with padded walls. and alone with he and she and the stars, i screamed along. i shouted and punched the air. i swung at him. i railed against all i've known with a fury you've only read about. and then, she and i were still. exhausted, i slept. he never left. i woke up to the rising of a yellow burning ball of gas -kind of like the sun, but far too close for comfort and far too bright to see. and at night it would flee from me as though i was a stricken with leprosy. even the ground trembled. cold. empty. so, we walked in silence. and yet, in the worst of the elements, he would wrap his arms round, and i'd disappear into the warmth at night. he'd shade my eyes in the blinding sun, as i wept my tears of fear and trembling during the day. then, he took me to the water. placid and still as glass in the midst of the chaos of the atmosphere. i looked into the depths of this crystal bottomless sea... and i saw everything and nothing and me. bones. dry weary bones. and hollow eyes. half dead. sort of alive, in a pathetic sort of way. dressed up in sorrows constantly. scars and bruises adorning my head like a broken crown. love lost. the remains of promise rings now rusted round my fingers. my heart. now racing. now slowing in my chest. held together by scotch tape and ribbons i'd found on old presents. pitiful. sick. the diagnosis? hope deferred. and in spite of all this, i kept going. dancing, a broken dance. unloved. and blithely unaware...somehow. this was an uncomfortable true-to-life view to say the least. like being in a changing room in victoria's secret with unforgiving lighting. so i looked up at him... and i realised i hadn't really looked at him this whole time. and his eyes were red and swollen from all the crying. and, yet somehow still ever so warm and tender when he looked at me. their depths fathomless, and i gazed in, unable to look away. i thought i could've fallen in, actually. but, once again i could see everything and nothing but a girl who looked so very much like me. but, maybe not, because she was beautiful, and radiant. and so alive. bright... bright.young.thing. at ease. at peace. laughter in her face. overflowing with love. i mean, you could almost feel it like oil dripping from her hands. an aroma filled the room when she smiled. the kind of girl the poets muse about. the ones that show up in every volume of their books. the kind the legends write the hit songs about. not the fleeting siren who calls the sailors farther out to sea. but the real thing. the kind every girl wants to be. the kind every boy wants to be good enough for. loved. i was she. his beloved... and now, fading.
and in that moment everything made sense.
and my eyes shut. but the tears escaped silently anyway.
everything stopped.
i breathed in...
he exhaled...
and then, ever so faintly at first, the wind began to blow. but on it, were words i couldn't understand. kind of like a song, and it was getting stuck in my head. it kind of like a language familiar...but nothing i've heard before. beautiful and haunting. with it came the movement of a symphony of strings.
when i opened my eyes i was clinging to the last moments of the lingering note as it disappeared. i didn't see him. or the water or anything. i only saw this wall. thicker than anything i've ever seen before. like the ancient ones. and i realised, i was home. this place i'd called home. in this bed, snuggled up with blankets of shame. with an army of me standing guard just outside my guilded door. a great defense grander than the armies of alexander the great... and all kinds of things. shiny things filling the room that once made me happy for a little while.
and there i was. with nothing but this song i'd just heard on the wind. and just when i thought it was all over. and it was back to reality time, i heard him. though i couldn't see him, i heard him say... 'sing.'
oh, so now, i'm hearing voices. and now, i'm going absolutely crazy. and now, friends, it's time to take the xanax and see that doctor i've been meaning to see... but, i did sing.
softly, at first. and i thought i could hear him breathing near me. and somehow inside these walls the breeze started. and i could hear the invisible symphony once again wrap itself around me...and i became acutely aware of another in the room. another voice i'd been listening to. another familiar song that had been singing to me. the one who whispered to that girl i saw in my reflection in the water. that one who encouraged starvation. the one who sung me lies as lullabyes as i cried myself to sleep. the one who would lick my wounds of self-hatred. the one i let keep me there. the one who delighted in seeing me turn cold. turn to bones. who draped me in my blankets of shame. covered me in ashes and put me in my place...
and that fury of misdirected mistrust flew back up in me. this time redirected to her oppressive melancholy hands pushing down on my shoulders and suffocating my heart with anxiety.
and singing all the while, a laughter crept into my bones, and i looked her dead in the eye...and this time i refused to cower and bend. this time, i wasn't timid with my words of agreement. this time, i screamed and shook like a leaf so overwhelmed by a rage i've never felt. this time i said, 'no more'. this time i said, 'you will not have me a day longer'.
my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
so i sang along again.
it was then, my little voice disappeared into a sound so loud that it became almost like a shout. but more like a million invisible voices shouting in unison. it then began to crescendo into a roar. like the kind aslan makes... not in the films. not even close but in cs lewis' head where he tried to explain it to all of us for the first time.
the roar rose louder and louder... and i realised i hadn't been alone with her. he'd been there the whole time. and this thundering, overwhelming, powerful sound was his voice. it was like the fury of the greatest love that could ever exist was being unleashed in a sound and when she heard it,
she fled from me.
well, she tried anyway.
because just as she turned, the walls were unable to contain the sound. and they fell and they crushed her.
and then,
everything was so still. i had fallen down in my bed. exhausted. all the walls had crumbled. armies buried beneath the wreckage.
all was quiet. inside and out.
i felt him come close. i could feel him breathing.
he blew away my ashes.
and he whispered, "come awake."
and i've opened my eyes for what feels like the first time...
the girl i saw in the water was now the ashes being swept away on the wind.
and the girl i saw dancing in his eyes came to life.
and once again, nothing is the same.
everything's changed.
and it's beautiful here...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

taking the cure, so i can be quiet whenever i want.

i like it. but, i think i'm learning the art of being quiet. hmmm. because, even when i'm not talking, there are endless thoughts running rampant through my head. songs. words. sentences. prepositional phrases. sometimes ending sentences incorrectly. jokes. sounds...
lord, it's loud up there.
i need it to quiet down. no sound. no images. no talking. just... still. and maybe a knowing... maybe.

so, i've discovered that starbucks is actually within walking distance of work. where.have.i.been?! when the warmer weather comes back around, it will be fun to go for walks there AND to trader joes! yum.
i wish i could transplant the cool springs starbucks to here. they make way better drinks and have way nicer people. i think i'd like that. so, the boys went to have noodles for lunch. i had cold mama-bear oatmeal (too cold!) and a baby-bear caramel apple spice. (juuust right.) and listened to patrick watson while writing some thoughts in my car.
so the aforementioned woman at work smiled at me today. i mean, warmly. like, she's had the best day of her life. she's trying not to smile at me now, actually. speaking of the devil. devil, i'm sure she's not.

i'll be glad when i can feel like wearing makeup again. it's so fun. but i can't be bothered this week. it's already thursday. time is flying... this is my favourite season. i just wish it didn't feel so... blah. bleh. blih. bloh. blue.

it's 1pm. the end of lunch. and i've just gotten the loveliest of dirty looks from eddy for abandoning them for lunch. back to work. hi-ho. hi-ho.

p.s. i can't believe that once upon a time, a boy won me over with an eminem lyric. i mean, seriously?!
p.s.s. - see what i mean about all these thoughts?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

crawled into the speakers and turned up the volume...

  • the libertines
  • maximo park
  • babyshambles
  • ryan adams

"do you ever want to wear your body out until there's nothing left to take?"
it was a good rainy drive to work this morning.
i remembered my book today! and a notebook. with the graph lines. one i used in a 3rd period class. though i'm not sure what class that was. because i took out all the notes and started writing songs and things instead.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

lover, please do not fall to your's not like i believe in everlasting love.

i have exactly 8 minutes before the clock on the wall hits 7.30 and signals it's time for me to get to work. uh. get to work on an impossible little project that i can't get my left brain around...let alone my right brain. it's too busy writing songs and singing melodies. i'm mad cos i left my ryan adams book at home. ugh.
nonetheless, if i could ever meet him, i would tell him that he and jesus have saved my life. ok, maybe he, chris martin and jesus. you know what i'm saying. i've just been singing New York, New York at the top of my lungs, and i feel like i'm in the beginning part of a movie, or something. this film better be good, cos if this is a rom-com kill the director!!! (uh. out.of.control.)
k, so i really wish that i'd been working here longer so that #1, my left brain might understand what i'm about to embark upon, #2 - i'd have floater days and a little sick leave built up, and #3 - i'd have cash. cold hard cash in my account so i can book a flight to l.a. and see tom. and spend some quality time with bethany. because somehow, my eyes gain perspective when i'm with her. not to mention...2 words. disney land. i'm in the mood, ya'll. i need some mickey mouse and pirates of the carribbean. and cinderella and peter pan...oh man.

nonetheless, i'm here at work with 2 minutes left to go.
also. there is this mysterious tall, dark, handsome, latin boy who works here. boy? man. but young. which stands out cos most people here are older. i have no idea what he does. who he is. where he works. (and i'd really rather not know). i just like when i see him on my way in and out every so often...and today he said hello. so curious.
but let's not get things confused. there is also a woman who works here who creeps me right out. i'm always a little afraid to say hello to her. cos, she has this look on her face like she hates the world. i smile, and she looks through me. creeeeeped out, kids.

not so fun, fun facts. ready? 1. - i missed gossip girl last night. completely forgot. my mind was elsewhere. i mean, enough is e-freakin-nuff. 2. - wanna lose some of that holiday weight? get sad, friends! it works! 6lbs in 4 days! (yeah, screw that. i'm hungry! let's eat!)

well, it's business time.
uh. not in the flight of the conchords kind of way. assuredly not.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

so you lost your trust and you never should have...

i just found out tonight, that one of my 'grandmothers' (as in a woman who has known me for ages and has taken me into her heart like one of her grandchildren) going through intense sorrow, as her sister has just passed away. in an email that was sent out, i read these words...

"It's a time for wanting answers and being afraid to ask. It's a time of wanting to quit and knowing you can't. It's a time of wanting to lean on your own understanding and knowing not to do that."

i feel like that sums up my world as well.
i just need to know that redemption is more than possible, that it is likely.
i have never been one to have a lot of regrets. but it seems i've begun the year with a huge one. i'm afraid i've made a mess i cannot fix. and all of the apologies and all of the tears and all the glue in the world can't put this back together.

silly, over-sensitive, emotional little me. with all the cares in the world heavy on my heart.
but it matters to me. and that's the honest bottom line.

well, time for bed. it's been a long weekend.
id really like to wake up without that feeling of having been kicked in the stomach.