love fool.

that heart swell.

crazy beating like a drummer gone spastic

like the dog's tail when he's beside himself with excitement

sometimes i'm positive it will cause an explosion

so just figuring ways to let it out
because all my utterances feel so inadequate.

i like when you come home

i like when you're next to me

all is right with the world, even if it isn't.

and the little brushes of the hand, i still notice

i climb inside your head every so often

and keep getting surprised when i find myself there.

it's not la vie en rose...

but it all does just look and feel a little different

a little better.

fear fool.

just wondering if this vacant sensation will always stay.

gorgeous lilies to my left.

they aren't mine, but they don't have to be to enjoy them.

to brighten the eyes a little.

and everything hurts a little.

a little sore.

just wondering if the heady feeling would return.

or is this the sort of weight you just have to get used to?

i mean, because i won't.

started writing love notes.

and i was humming hymns under my breath

the kind that tend to dissolve the shadows a little

going on a spiel

one of those romantic tantrums

and i stayed awake without getting tired

but let the chemicals get a little out of balance and i start...

start it up.

question marks everywhere they don't belong?

it's harder to pretend it feels ok.

but at least i've got that everliving smile in my voice.

and i keep saying thank you.

all.

the.

time.

as though it's all such an damned imposition.

did i just gain your disapproval?

whatever you do, swim.

don't you dare begin to sink.

new year.

stop the shivering and shaking.

no quaking.

questioning. stopped.

it's the middle of winter and i could taste spring.

i could feel it all around us.

i could hear it singing.

echoing the splash.

echoing the chorus.

where we fell.

the beautiful collision.

i regret my failings.

but let them go.

but i'll not regret what has become of it.

we are fires in the night

and lit the fuses

dropped the bombs

and watched our walls crumble.

i'll call your smile back

like the warm of the sun

slow and easy

and filling the rooms with lights

flooded corridors

disarm.

and it's just you and me here now.

alarm bells are ringing, willy.

i feel like i just woke up out of a rip-van-winkle kind of sleep... like i disappeared so far into myself that i nearly went mad.

oh my god.

it's time for some thanksgiving.

friday the thirteenth rebuddle.

grace.

friday the thirteenth.

i can feel it rising.

my nerves are like snapping twigs.

there's enough emotion here to make some of the most beautiful things i ever have.

a radiant beacon of love just pulsing

and i am questioning it.

and i am turning into a coward, ready to just rip it from my insides.

but fully aware that i will take all of me with it.

ready to train myself to believe it never existed.

like a young scientist on the verge of denouncing God.

and i am raging at the skies with bloodied fists

envious of the deep joy that pours from the skin of those that pass.

if i am so wonderful, why am i ever so hard to love consistently?

and what is the point of comparing?

input vs. output.

it isn't adding up.

and i'll be the first to say that i've never been good at math

and so i'd conclude my options are to swallow the damned pill, because it's become useless talking

or start to self-destruct.

but my calculator is broken.

and somehow i believe there is a middle ground, but i cannot find it.

i cannot see it for all the rage in my eyes.

and the great sadness stands waiting to pounce.

bitterness - its nose on my cheek, licking its chops.

as if some enemy is waiting to rip my heart to shreds.

and i wouldn't come back this time.

and weighing the pros and cons.

kicked by the steel toed boot of silence.

unseen in plain sight.

all of this is utterly maddening.

oh, the fear of it all has waged war on me.

snow globe [golden levers]

the temperature started dropping

and suddenly it's all winter out

doesn't change the fact that it's raining

it's just all frozen and floating

slow.

not flooding.

shaking my head like a snowglobe

waiting for the words to settle

settle down.

and so i said, like some old grumpy man

with an abrupt tongue

"i'm too old for this"

hand on the golden lever

waiting for an excuse to press it down

and instantly became 17

with the world gaping ahead

and the school days sitting there like a monument

"i am much too young for this"

hand on the golden lever

waiting for an excuse to press it down

and then the door would creak open

and i'd slip through that crack

let the unknown engulf me like the black of night

armed with a flashlight and hope it doesn't quit

the burst of cold snapped me back

still waiting with bated breath

a twisted laugh escapes when no one is looking

because who knows what will really happen when it cracks

sylvia.

If I rest, I think inward, I go mad.

I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I.

How we need another soul to cling to. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence. I need this, I need someone to pour myself into.

I liked him too much - way too much, and I ripped him out of my heart so it wouldn’t get to hurt me more than it did.

If I didn't think, I'd be much happier.

The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

I want to write you of my love. All I have ever touched or said to others is rehearsal for you, and preserved only for this.

...

i really love sylvia plath. and i'm never sure how i feel about the fact that most things she writes is like reading my soul back to myself.

there's a lot of tension in these shoulders and it builds when i'm awake and when i sleep.

and all-a-that stunts your growth, kid. well, except the growth of love handles.

i'd like to find the perfect red varnish and get a manicure. an excuse to put on makeup and heels and a dress and curl my hair that grew about 4 inches overnight. ok, but seriously. a few extra bucks in the bank to spend and not regret. a frame on which to put those clothes.

i rolled myself up in blankets. tried to switch off, but only the blankets switched.

yours. vs. mine.

but no one is really sleeping anymore. and all-a-that takes its toll, kid.

i rounded the corner and saw it all on display. started second-guessing. i'm a pro at that.

pretty soon, we'll all decide to move on and just go crazy. pretty soon the girls will be women who are adored and bloom and they'll stay or go. and pretty soon all of those boys will grow up to be men. good ones or bad ones. all depends on if they can use some self-control and get some glasses to see humans with value. or is it a world to be conquered with distinct highly evolved mammals. dumb it down and stay a little boy. face the difficulty... carry the integrity... relearn honor and you'll be a man, after all.

i wanna walk out of this door and find myself on the high street, instead. and stand out in the crowds of people. the rain is just about to stop. and there's that darling little flower stand. lilies. lilies. lilies.

and all of those words like truths dancing around in my head.

a pocketful of messages from a life full of friends.

and the way my hand feels small in yours.

a thousand ways to feel treasured.

adored.

i matter.

day dreaming. wide awake.

but it's all a bit overlooked and passed by.

don't worry, it's real easy to forget these things.

and that puts a little more tightness in the chest. and it builds when i'm awake or asleep.

and all-a-that stunts your growth, kid.

hope we're this cute.

vogue italia.

in love.

masks come off.

beauty is unveiled.

right where we belong.

so many conversations lately where we're all second guessing ourselves...

our decisions...

because we have these good hearts that don't want to waste precious time.

because we have these golden hearts that don't want to cause anyone pain.

because our heart's desire to do the right thing.

to make everyone that matter proud of us.

to make everyone who love us happy.

at least to try.

but the answers aren't easy.

and it's in the process.

it's in the journey that all of these marvelous things will be shown.

it's in the day to day that our dreams take shape.

it's not letting go, though it feels like a year has been wasted on working out the details or just holding together the main pieces.

and so, my sweet hearts, be flooded in grace.

be free.

the answers aren't easy.

the storylines are complicated and complex.

and sometimes you'll want the world to end beginning with you.

gripping with fingertips.

sometimes it will feel like you have failed.

sometimes it will feel absolutely hopeless.

but, unwrap this gift...

you are right where you belong.

right here.

right now.

when it is time to move, we'll be moved.

when it's time to stay, we'll be anchored.

i may not know or understand much of anything.

and most definitely have no idea how any of this will turn out...

but this is right.

and now, love extravagantly, right where you are.

because the only regret will be that your love was with-held

and that you didn't allow yourself to be loved.

irregardless of where we're going.

irregardless of where we've been.

nothing is missing.

nothing is being withheld.

we have everything we need today.

you are right where you belong.

i am right where i belong.

we are the only ones in our way.

safe.

adjective /sāf/ 

Protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost

i had this epiphany yesterday, that pretty much my whole life has had this lingering sense of danger hanging over it. i've always been aware of a need to be careful. and i don't mean some sort of phobia or false sense of impeding doom. I don't mean the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing you learned in school. I remember being able to rattle off my full name, phone number with area code, full address and the name of my doctor by the time I was two. It wasn't just to show off the parenting skills of my parents and my impressionable mind, but rather things were going on with my father at the time, where my mom and I had to go into hiding... restraining orders... the brake lines on the car were cut - my mom and i were about to get in it. And, this would only be the beginning. I knew about drug dealers, crack houses and saw a kid's gun-shot wound. My family did an amazing job of maintaining a stable home life for me... a wonderful private education at a school where I was nurtured by a genuine staff. One in a million. I had music lessons... and my teacher was like another mother to me. In fact, should anything happen to my family, she was to be my legal guardian. (The kinds of things I knew as a little girl.)

In many strange ways, I can be thankful for all that happened. I don't feel sorry for myself... because it all helped to make me the way that I am. It's helped to make me the adventurous thing I've turned out to be.

At the same time, I've realised it has caused an inability to really rest in a lot of situations. It goes a lot deeper than abandonment issues. It goes further than rejection issues. It's about feeling and knowing that I'm safe. All of this was triggered when finding out that a couple thugs were just kickin it in my house until 5am the other night. But, that, my friends, is another story.

Like my little blog header says, I'm going to tell the truth here...

I'm tired of not feeling safe...

In a neighborhood... in my home...

To be alone with certain people, especially men I don't know very well.

Of not feeling safe in my job... like my job is at risk if I make a wrong move.

In friendships.

In relationships.

I want to know I'm safe.

this thing i wrote... [upon losing my mind]

there's that strange gaping feeling
like the space from your throat to your stomach is massive
and yet empty all at the same time
the lump that crawls up your esophagus and makes you want to cry
but the tears aren't coming
i wish they would
kind of like that feeling like you need to be sick
you might like to get it over with already
but then, there's that feeling that if you start you'll never stop
i didn't want to feel anything
i still don't
i couldn't sleep
and as tired as i am, i could happily stare blankly into space
although this radio station could send me into a fit of rage
i'm climbing the walls
in my mind anyway
counting down the minutes until someone gets here
i need out
and soon enough, someone will realize i'm not ok right now
and i can't exactly tell you why
i know too much.
those raging words will stick with me for a very long time
i'll beg for isolated amnesia, but it won't come
you're asking too much of me
every last one.
remember that header?
i've been lying.
or at least concealing.
have you ever hurt so badly that you go numb?
have you ever wished someone would punch you so that you could feel something?
it's dark in here and i'll never ever tell you so.
when you discover that you are an option to everyone you make a priority.
when you discover that they mean well
but you're not enough.
when you discover it was all a lie.
your feelings. your emotions. none of them matter.
your wants your desires.
none of them matter.
your needs.
none.
matter.
i am utterly bloated with sadness.
deflated of worth.
hardened by disappointment.
and tired of trying again and again.
the angry tides are coming in
and it's only a matter of time.