Monday, August 31, 2009

there is a season...turn. turn. turn.

i felt it.
the first taste of autumn...
like the sound of familiar keys, or footsteps...
i cannot wait for pumpkin spiced things and candles, and sweatshirts, and leaves changing colours and all sorts of marvelous things.

a woman i know said something to me that was incredibly encouraging...
she likened this time in my life where there are so many things hanging in the balance, so many loose ends, so many things i'd like to freak out about, so many things to be done, and so little time...
it's like setting up dominoes.
it's tedious.
but when it's finished. when you just hang in there and persevere...
it just takes one gentle nudge, and everything falls into place in such a gorgeous way.

i need to remember this...
gosh, it's hard, though. i've become so good at panicking.

Friday, August 28, 2009

good afternoon, gentlemen.

i went to starbucks and it put me in the worst mood.
i know, unbelievable.
however, a conversation with guy put me in a lovely mood.
i didn't realise until then just how much i haven't talked about the excitement fluttering around:
one: there's a new track that's been recorded. (at metropolis and miloko studios in london) now on to the mix...
two: i have legal representation, officially. aw, snap!
three: things are moving along quite nicely.

it seems i've left my phone at home. which makes me feel unbelievably naked.
actually, i wouldn't mind so much were it not that i had to do the long commute and things.

my finger is just fine, albeit a little sore, after stabbing it with a pencil yesterday.
don't underestimate the power of no.2 pencils.

i want to buy a coffee press. and matt's coffee.

i think i could sleep for a week.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

ground control to major tom.

the flight was pretty empty. less than half the plane, i'd say. so as soon as the 'fasten seatbelts' light went off, everyone jumped up and ran for the center isles. so i found myself curled up across 3 seats, drifting off to sleep with the sound of kids running around, excited that they were staying up late and watching movies and things. so when i woke up, i felt very much like snow white, to see all of these babies and kids tucked in blankets in the seats and isles around me. so cute.
the steward that was in charge of everything came by and offered me a warm fruit muffin from the business class... which he strangely didn't do with anyone else. sweet as pie. went through customs (strangely fast) and then headed out to see my name on a card in the hands of a driver. and off i we went to this parking garage, where a black mercedes awaited.

no, none of this was a dream.

the exit has this twisty thing that looks like a spiral staircase. but instead of stairs, you drive round and round like a playschool toy for toddlers. fun, but makes you a bit woozy.

so i've just discovered that i'm having the day off today. which is strange, as i'm not really sure what i'm going to do with myself. probably go looking for some sort of ensemble for the meeting tomorrow and photos. gah! AND i'm on a quest for a coffee table for the boys. under £200 pounds... a conversational piece and match the current decor. and i am up for the challenge.

the more time i spend here, the more i realise it's absolutely where i'm meant to be. but, for so many reasons this will be easier said than done. ugh.

still nervous and slightly cynical about many of the goings on... which i'd really like to be full-on excited about. but things change so quickly. everything you think you have figured out, changes and just isn't at all.
i'm just trying to do the best i can with everything that's coming along, but i'm feeling insecure about a lot of things too. and feeling confused. walking a strange line of trying to be understanding, and not offended, and yet not be made a fool of.

many things swirling around my brain.
alas. i'm off to explore.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

sunday's on the phone to monday. tuesday's on the phone to me...

tomorrow night, after work, i leave for london.
the world has gone quiet.
and i need a lot of affirmation right now.
but these are the strengthening times.
and more details regarding the trip have come to my attention...
which, i'll keep mum for the moment. however, i'll tell you this much:

i'm someplace between utter elation and throwing up and crying.

packity. pack. pack.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

shake me, skyscraper.

Take her in to that space.
The span becoming an embrace.
Note her way. Her pace.
Sweet, Innocent face.
But, If her secrets were plain
Would you see things the same?
If you knew the sentences and crimes
Her hands brimming with fines

Would you ever guess
She was a mistress
Lost a game or two of conquest
Tried to take on the very best
And so run to her defense
A truth we all can sense
She didn’t know better
Like a bird sings from the fetters

Look deep in her eyes
They cannot speak lies
But they have known lies
Like a corpse strewn with flies
Like the first, was deceived
Like the first, she would bleed
Like the first, he’d succeed
Like the first, he would flee

Scarlet letter on her chest
Moves so easy through the rest
Gently risen to the scaffold
Brushes past the baroness
Oh hush now, your heart, my sweet
As it cries out in defeat
This, the end of the story
It simply cannot be

For all fallen short
All adorned with skinned knees
Wrap her up in forgiveness?
Or hang her from the trees?
Cover her in shame?
Or renew her hope with grace?
Scars where tears where traced?
Or has love, all this, erased?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i don't want to, i.. i don't want to be myself. [what's done is me.]

I name things I own. Is that strange? It’s very true, though. Example. I have an ipod. Being my 3rd ipod, my ipod is called Winston III. The car is Kensington. The blackberry is Brixton. There may be a theme. Brixton is a trickster. I often think I see my red light flashing, and it’s just my imagination. I see a lot of things out of the corner of my eye lately. Sometimes it’s a little unnerving. I won’t lie about that.

Very much like Florence (and the Machine)… I am a rabbit-hearted girl. (I’m not positive she’s a rabbit-hearted girl. She’s quite a friendly and outgoing sort of rabbit... The kind to play with your hair and be quite cuddly. In my experience, anyway.) back to the subject at hand…
I am a rabbit-hearted girl. And, I sometimes wish I was more of a lioness. Perhaps I actually was once. I’ve known a lot of liars. What’s a girl to do when all of the boys you’ve ever really loved have lied to you? When far too many friends have lied. When your own father… let’s let that rest, eh?

What’s a girl to do?
Think everyone is lying, of course! Welcome to the house of paranoia.
Welcome to loneliness.
There’s a reason I think I name these little possessions. Because, it’s a strange way of being kept company, without having to give my heart away. Without having to be hurt. (it’s also fun and cute. But I do think this is the deeper meaning to these girlish nuances of mine) I mean, I’d like a dog to keep me company. But, do you want to know how twisted my mind and heart has become? (I’ll take the shaking of your head as a yes.) I’m actually afraid to get a dog. Because I don’t want to wrap my heart up in a sweet creature that will eventually die. And I’ll be heartbroken.

That’s what it’s come to.
Frightening. Brutal honesty. I’m a scared little rabbit in headlights.

And then, there’s the voice of CS Lewis…
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell .I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness… We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.

i should just stop talking.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

curiouser and curiouser or dreams of wicked storms.

There’s a menacing motion
An angry sound inside the trees
A droning wind of questions
Singing with the weary bees

A society of pilgrims
Taking hold of pirate ships
A voice that whispers urban hymns
As the sinking sunlight slips

So speed through the streets
And make amends with me
Let the warring cease
And bring release

Ticking clocks like tame tornadoes
Reminders keeping us in time
Lest we make a brand new rhythm
Lest we find another rhyme

They say there’s nothing new above us
Nothing blooming in our heads
But we’re waiting on that something
That we haven’t fathomed yet

So speed through the streets
And make amends with me
Let the warring cease
And bring release

Thursday, August 6, 2009

it's an invitation.

Let’s investigate
All the modern ways to be fools
It’s acceptable only with you
Just to cause a reaction or two
Beside me. beside you.

It’s appropriate
Disappear from peripheral view
Slip away for a day to your room
And we’ll make up a story or two
Beside me. Beside you.

Away, Away with you

Let’s improvise
And obliterate the dark that's in your skies
I’ve got laughter to put in your eyes
When you’re weary we’ll just let it lie
Beside me. Beside you.

Away, Away with you

behind your eyes.

Say it on the fly, dear
You can do it
Just enunciate and be clear
All the words were speeding
A hundred miles an hour
I cannot keep up here

Unseen vibrations keep on
Beating on my ear drum
And so what you’re sayin
Let’s be clear
Let’s write it down
Let’s get on with the fun

Change the aperture
You move it in and
Move it out
Of focus
When my eyes see it like yours
I can’t help
Can’t help but notice
How You make it look so good

Tell it to me slow, then
So I remember the
Inflections as you say them
Hold the heart you’ve stolen
It started blooming
When you made the sky
Seem golden

Change the aperture
You move it in and
Move it out
Of focus
When my eyes see it like yours
I can’t help
Can’t help but notice
How You make it look so good

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

yes bruv.

it all started with rainbows. this was the 3rd one...

my mom and i collected our guest passes...
and found ourselves on the field at fedex field...
surrounded by a stadium of people...

and i only had my camera phone...
which means you couldn't see what i could see which was a lot more than this...
as we were on the 9th row...
oh yes! to see paul mccartney!!

oh man.
his voice hasn't really aged. and he is RIDICULOUS in an awesome way...

pyro on live and let die.

and at the end...macca confetti!!!

i played in it. so?

it was perfect.

and i felt like a princess. and it may have been one of the top three nights of my entire life.
thanks to matt, whom i am going to kiss at least a hundred times when i see him in two weeks.
the boy worked it out. "yes bruv."
ok. so, i'm reading his biography. which is super inspiring and just interesting. and also making me have the wanderlust again. thank goodness there's a trip soon!
and i really do want my own mccartney.
please and thanks so much.