Saturday, January 30, 2010

trouble.

ever since i was very small i've been called this.
in my more feisty, irreverent and perhaps playful moods, i think it's cute and just plain fun.
i own that junk.
in my more defeated moments, however, i wonder if it's true.

Friday, January 29, 2010

now, would you aim me at the bees, please?

greater/lesser lights

Up ahead
They’re all in disguise
Dressed in black
Pretending that it’s white
There’s food to eat
But can’t seem to get full
Caught in between
The pushing
And the pull

Would you just turn up the lights
The moon and the stars would do fine
If the sun won’t rise tonight
Would you push out all the dark
And blow the night apart
Would you just turn up the lights

Can’t sleep
For the weight of the world in your head
And it’s hard to dream
when you’re tossed on the waves in your bed
They speak in codes
And I just want to understand
have the warm explode
In the comfort of a holding hand

Would you just turn up the lights
The moon and the stars would do fine
If the sun won’t rise tonight
Would you push out all the dark
And blow the dark apart
Would you just turn up the lights

fools' gold.

Don’t believe those eyes
Don’t believe those eyes
When they smile at you like
Heavens brightest beams
Don’t believe that touch
Don’t believe that touch
Cos it burns within and
Nothing’s as it seems

When the movement is done
It all goes quiet and still
When you’ve just begun
it turns to leave when it will
when you’ve learned to love
a fool
when you’ve learned to love
a fool
When you’ve learned to love
They’ll make a fool of you

Don’t fall in those arms
Don’t fall in those arms
Cos they’ll swallow you
And lead you to harm
Don’t believe those words
Don’t believe those words
Even when they are the
Best you’ve never heard

When the movement is done
It all goes quiet and still
When you’ve just begun
it turns to leave when it will
when you’ve learned to love
a fool
when you’ve learned to love
a fool
When you’ve learned to love
They’ll make a fool of you

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Blues vs. Mean Reds

I haven't been practising like I should. This is equally stupid and lame.
And I have to wait another week for news.
I'm going to the gym for the second time today out of sheer boredom.

Bottom line is, I feel like a guinea pig on a wheel.

just to start the year off right.

Friday, January 22, 2010

all you need is love. annnnd a blackberry.

so i freaked out the other day when i saw this commercial... and went, 'oh my gosh! that was dan! nah. no way.
first instincts are usually correct, nitasha.
dan & the rest of daytona lights... not singing but acting in the blackberry ad.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

hello goliath. i got a slingshot and a pocket full of rocks. whatcha got?

Thursday morning and I’m checking my phone like some love-sick fool. Waiting for that red light to flash and the email icons with the red star which will be signaling news. Nothing. And just to clarify, I’m not love-sick, unless it is true that music is my boyfriend. I woke up with that horrid heavy sleep depraved feeling that has been stalking my body for a couple of weeks. I look longingly toward Saturday like some light at the end of a distant tunnel. Then Saturday comes and there’s so much I want to do that I feel gross by the time I wake up mid-morning…which turns into early afternoon after lounging in bed with Kingston (the ipod) getting inspiration for a day that looks a bit like a blank canvas. Hello! Flashback to Thursday… right here. right now, fatboy slim. I’m just waiting to hear that a plan has been devised. That there is reason to this rhyme and a schedule is emerging from the beneath the proverbial London fog. Answers to these questions scrawled on the walls of my mind, and echoed every blasted time I have a conversation:

"When am I going back to london? When are we doing this album? When can I leave this desk and get to doing what it is I love? When can I shout out this vision I’ve written down so we can all start to really get excited?"

I feel like that kid on Christmas morning trying so hard to fall asleep. That kid in the backseat of the car wanting to know if we’re there yet? I’m trying to make the best and do some drawings and play some games to hold us over, but I’m getting carsick and cramped and antsy.
Just waiting for my turn. Everyone else’s name has been called. And I’m seated silently trying very hard not to fidget. Trying very hard to be oh so very good. Wondering when they’ll call my name.

Meanwhile, it’s Thursday morning and Wednesday was a weird one.
It brought a new friend in the shape of a brokenhearted gorgeous girl… our immediate common ground being one that would most often drive a wedge between people. Instead it would be the thing to connect us. And though I’m sorrowful for her pain, and regret time wasted in my own life on the same fragile distraction, I’m ever so glad to offer any bits of comfort to her weary heart.

My gym wants to charge an absurd amount of money to have access to the location around the corner from my workplace. This is lame. Looks like I’ll be getting acquainted with this little town on the Potomac along with the rest of the lycra-clad runners with their dogs in the early morning. Probably best anyway.

You know that song ‘the first cut is the deepest’? There’s a lot of truth to that tune, you know. Those things that happen to you when you’re very young stick with you a very long time. The roots go deep and seem to be the channeling the lifesource for the issues that come up later in life.
I need a lawn specialist, y'all.

I’ve looked at my phone at least 3 times while writing this. It may not even go off until tomorrow.
But I’m a very small girl with galactic-sized dreams.
And I’ve never been more aware of this than now.
Courage little lady.
Hello Goliath. I got a slingshot and a pocket full of rocks.

whatcha got?

they still make them like this?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Monday, January 18, 2010

dancin with myself.



i dont even care.
i like it that much.
let's dance.
ps
i am very much up to something.ssssss

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

weird one.

  • my boss took overtime away. i could punch a hole in a wall. this isn't the time. it just isn't. i'm angry. frustrated. swore a lot.
  • my family needs me. AND a second job is just not possible right now with everything else going on.
  • i'm forced to re-evaluate my financial situation and make cutbacks and changes to my daily routine. this could end up being a good thing. inspite of my rage. (i am still just a rat in a cage)
  • hi stress. hi eczema. not good to see you. come on in!
  • i got a weird/enlightening/sad albeit selfishly good email regarding my music.
  • i still find it weird blackberry-ing emails to managers and lawyers.
  • i like spending time with my mom.
  • i am officially addicted to glee. who am i again? gossip girl and glee. apparently i like shows beginning with the letter 'g'.
  • i am trying to focus on the positives and look on the bright side.
  • i miss my friends.

so, i've been struggling with that thin line of loving people vs. getting walked on. and sticking by people through thick and thin, and knowing when to walk away. and what does love really look like in a practical but real sense?

i'm supposed to love extravagantly. everyone. even when it's hard to do that. the fact is that some people are easy to love. some people love back just as hard as you give. and when that comes, well... get excited and cherish them. cherish those friendships. but i need to stop looking to those people who are unable to give me the relationship and friendship i need, to fill me in those areas, when they simply cannot. that's where love comes in to release them from my stupid expectations, receives them as they are and gives them grace and space to become what they want to be and to encourage them in their life journey.

if you know someone isn't a strong swimmer, you can enjoy going to the beach with them and hanging out on the shore. but don't expect them to be your scuba diving partner. you cannot take them to deeper waters and expect them to be there for you, to come through should you need them. don't belittle them because you always have to stay at the shore with them.
but there are strong swimmers you can fully enjoy that adventure with. people who like the shore and they like swimming and diving and whatever. and they will come through should you need them. and you can come through, should they need you.

i wonder if this makes sense. it's blown my heart wide open in a weird way.
i'm never really really left alone even when it feels that way.
so i should just stop worrying and freaking out.
i'm taken care of even when i don't see it. in every area of my life.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

sell all your things and come run away with me.


hello anthem of twenty ten.
pretty much everything i think/feel can be summed up riiiiight here.

glory be.

Monday, January 11, 2010

she's got standards.

i'm lonely.
i miss my friends.
and i often wonder if i'm missed too.
i'm getting exasperated by some people and i wonder if maintaining these lackluster, one-way street 'friendships' with selfish ... boys and girls are worth it. probly, not.
and i'm beginning to loathe the void where warm companions should be.

i should just throw myself into work and practice.
lots on my plate.
lots coming up.
business face.
buh-bye.

p.s. i gotta crush on a moviestar. weird.

gosh oh gee.


Friday, January 8, 2010

to [the darling one] whom it concerns:


I have cut the chords to the heart strings and soul ties, and I release you.
Enclosed you shall find the aforementioned strings, the pin to an unlimited access account of love, and travelers cheques for grace.
Please know that my door is always open, my phone is almost always on, my ear will always bend to you, and there is always a little room for you in my heart. Don't you ever wonder.

I wish you nothing but good things.

love,
me.

twenty.ten.


i'm wishing til my stomach hurts that it feels something like this.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

like all the boys before.

the misters jones & romanowski respectively have been trying to win me over with the lovely ellie goulding for ages.
i have officially caved.

i might love her.

my mind is a record player.


apparently the boy wounds of 2009 are still a little tender.
the heart is a funny little thing. beguiling, i must say.
i found all this out during my revisit of florence + the machine this morning. cosmic love was the track/trigger/weapon of choice. didn't see that coming.
ouch.