So much of what you said, makes so much sense and most definitely resonates with me. I think, however, that you and I seem to be of this strange breed of adventurous planners. We love planning things... in that we love to have goals in front of us. We love having vision. We're generally not ok with the whole... "um. I have no idea where I'm going" thing. I sometimes wonder if that may be because we have this insatiable burden to make something of ourselves... to make things a bit easier for our families... to be one of those people who doesn't just talk about things or dream things or vaguely plan... we love to BE ABOUT IT. We're creative. So, no matter what comes our way, we're able to roll with the punches and adapt. We can make almost anything "part of the plan" or accept it as a change in plans. We're the sort of people who don't see things as a straight line from point A to point B. We see point 'A.' We see point B and we recognize there are so many ways and means of getting there. For example, we could walk, and there are multiple walking routes. There are bicycle routes, cars, trains, planes, and we allow for layovers. DEFINITELY. because we like exploring. We're creatures of comfort, to a point... In that we like our hearts to be grounded. But, we're happy to take the path less traveled. In fact, the wide interstate makes us more afraid than the back roads most times. While we can often identify with the self-sufficient woman... teetering on the edge of a healthy feminism at times, we're also very much the 'settling down' kind. We love strong men. We love chivalry. We want to have families. Want to be completely present in our future children's upbringing. And, in short, we want both. We will have our cake and eat it too. Because, really, it's not a very selfish cake we're baking. It's simply that we're capable, talented, women who have a galaxy of love to give. We want an adventure. An adventure on which we love well... are learning to love better... and to be loved well.
The issue isn't that we are flat characters in a story who have found themselves in a seemingly wrong story line... the issue is that we are these well rounded characters who are quite worldly in the sense that we have this natural ability to adapt and find magic wherever we are. This complicates things with our visionary minds, because we're always trying to figure out where this is going. So, ultimately, then, the problem is that we aren't writing the story.
The thing people like ourselves have the most problem with is trusting. Really.
What if being ourselves, fully... if simply being who we were meant to be, one day at a time is enough?
What if we have a million burdens and a deep-seated sense of duty that wasn't ever meant for us to carry?
It's that fine line. That balance of constantly moving forward... not missing those foreshadowing moments... being fully present, and yet not losing vision.
Trusting that we are exactly where we are meant to be.
Trusting that he has it all figured out. That he has plans for the future we hope for.
That is immensely hard for us, for various reasons. One of which is that we like to work things out. We want to understand. Oh God, we neeeeeed to understand!. Also, this is hard, because our world has been chocked full of men who asked us to lean on them... asked us to trust them... asked our mothers to trust them... and they never. came. through. And so, when this God... presenting himself as a father figure, asks us to just trust him, we're not really sure how to do that. He's asking us to trust him with the our story... to give up our agenda. When it feels like we're flying by the seat of our pants, we're uncertain whether to go by our heart or our head or our gut... because everything is clouded. We're older... We have a better idea of what we want... but, we're more adventurous than ever... and we want to do the RIGHT thing. Always. So, trust, in general, but especially with the writer of our story... with love himself feels so impossible. Especially because, whether we want to admit it or not, whether we can explain things away by logic and science and marry them to the greatest theology and supernatural breakthroughs.... it sometimes feels like he's disappointed us. And without realizing it, we see good things and good times as seasons waiting to die. And it gets harder to be present in them. When all we want is to be deeply happy, it's hard to walk away from things that aren't the best, because we feel happy for a moment. And yet, sometimes we are ready to run from things that make us happy, because we're afraid to be happy, only to be let down again.
... mostly, i think we want this God... love himself... to be tame. to be safe.
"Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."
"The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
The point of all this?
I understand you completely.
But we aren't writing this story.
So rest your head and take it one day at a time.
Saying over and over and over until it sinks into every pore...
"I trust you... you are good. And you have good things for me. And even if this doesn't work out... whatever this is... you'll make it good."
Nothing is wasted.
"Control is an illusion.
Guarantees are a deception.
All you have is the gift.
And you give it with joy... you give it with liberation!
Throw yourself into it and celebrate the fact that the sacrifice makes it sacred.
You give it and let it be what it is." (rob bell)
And all the crap? Well, gardens spring up from that.