Monday, April 30, 2012

letters to jamaica.

So much of what you said, makes so much sense and most definitely resonates with me. I think, however, that you and I seem to be of this strange breed of adventurous planners. We love planning things... in that we love to have goals in front of us. We love having vision. We're generally not ok with the whole... "um. I have no idea where I'm going" thing. I sometimes wonder if that may be because we have this insatiable burden to make something of ourselves... to make things a bit easier for our families... to be one of those people who doesn't just talk about things or dream things or vaguely plan... we love to BE ABOUT IT. We're creative. So, no matter what comes our way, we're able to roll with the punches and adapt. We can make almost anything "part of the plan" or accept it as a change in plans. We're the sort of people who don't see things as a straight line from point A to point B. We see point 'A.' We see point B and we recognize there are so many ways and means of getting there. For example, we could walk, and there are multiple walking routes. There are bicycle routes, cars, trains, planes, and we allow for layovers. DEFINITELY. because we like exploring. We're creatures of comfort, to a point... In that we like our hearts to be grounded. But, we're happy to take the path less traveled. In fact, the wide interstate makes us more afraid than the back roads most times. While we can often identify with the self-sufficient woman... teetering on the edge of a healthy feminism at times, we're also very much the 'settling down' kind. We love strong men. We love chivalry. We want to have families. Want to be completely present in our future children's upbringing. And, in short, we want both. We will have our cake and eat it too. Because, really, it's not a very selfish cake we're baking. It's simply that we're capable, talented, women who have a galaxy of love to give. We want an adventure. An adventure on which we love well... are learning to love better... and to be loved well.

The issue isn't that we are flat characters in a story who have found themselves in a seemingly wrong story line... the issue is that we are these well rounded characters who are quite worldly in the sense that we have this natural ability to adapt and find magic wherever we are. This complicates things with our visionary minds, because we're always trying to figure out where this is going. So, ultimately, then, the problem is that we aren't writing the story.

The thing people like ourselves have the most problem with is trusting. Really.
What if being ourselves, fully... if simply being who we were meant to be, one day at a time is enough?
What if we have a million burdens and a deep-seated sense of duty that wasn't ever meant for us to carry?
It's that fine line. That balance of constantly moving forward... not missing those foreshadowing moments... being fully present, and yet not losing vision.
Trusting that we are exactly where we are meant to be.
Trusting that he has it all figured out. That he has plans for the future we hope for.
That is immensely hard for us, for various reasons. One of which is that we like to work things out. We want to understand. Oh God, we neeeeeed to understand!. Also, this is hard, because our world has been chocked full of men who asked us to lean on them... asked us to trust them... asked our mothers to trust them... and they never. came. through. And so, when this God... presenting himself as a father figure, asks us to just trust him, we're not really sure how to do that. He's asking us to trust him with the our story... to give up our agenda. When it feels like we're flying by the seat of our pants, we're uncertain whether to go by our heart or our head or our gut... because everything is clouded. We're older... We have a better idea of what we want... but, we're more adventurous than ever... and we want to do the RIGHT thing. Always. So, trust, in general, but especially with the writer of our story... with love himself feels so impossible. Especially because, whether we want to admit it or not, whether we can explain things away by logic and science and marry them to the greatest theology and supernatural breakthroughs.... it sometimes feels like he's disappointed us. And without realizing it, we see good things and good times as seasons waiting to die. And it gets harder to be present in them. When all we want is to be deeply happy, it's hard to walk away from things that aren't the best, because we feel happy for a moment. And yet, sometimes we are ready to run from things that make us happy, because we're afraid to be happy, only to be let down again.
... mostly, i think we want this God... love himself... to be tame. to be safe.
"Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."
"The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

The point of all this?
I understand you completely.
But we aren't writing this story.
So rest your head and take it one day at a time.
Saying over and over and over until it sinks into every pore...
"I trust you... you are good. And you have good things for me. And even if this doesn't work out... whatever this is... you'll make it good."
Nothing is wasted.
"Control is an illusion.
Guarantees are a deception.
All you have is the gift.
And you give it with joy... you give it with liberation!
Throw yourself into it and celebrate the fact that the sacrifice makes it sacred.
You give it and let it be what it is." (rob bell)

And all the crap? Well, gardens spring up from that.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

practical things. [color it in]

Yesterday, my mister surprised me with this box of wood pencils.
I kind of can't wait to color like a kindergarten kid with these.

Well, today is a lovely sunny sort of day in Nashville... warm... high 70s... little wisps of clouds in the happy blue sky. Kind of like Bob Ross, the happy painter was helping out with the design of today's backdrop or something.
After a bit of a lie-in this morning, dancing and humming to the Sinatra Pandora station whilst getting ready for work, and a coffee run, we stopped back by the house. The glory of the day was suddenly interrupted by the discovery that Marley, apparently, had taken an interest in the colored pencils the same way I had. She decided to help herself to them which involved taking them off of the kitchen table. Of course, she doesn't have thumbs or hands in the traditional sense, so her mouth would have to do for the holding... which then turned to chewing.
Enter livid boyfriend and the sound of the proverbial straw breaking the camel's back.

She will most probably spend the rest of her day in her crate.

The thing is, it's one of the worst possible times for this. I have to get some new items for work... I've one pair of "comfortable flats" left. And then, there are the replacements... In the past couple of months, my $200something eye-glasses, flip-flops, underwear, sports bra, shoes, running shoes, sunglasses and a variety of other things have been destroyed by Marley and her occasional partner-in-crime Parker (who has a penchant for chewing shoe liners and now, electrical tape.) And now, we may add to that list, a some colored pencils. And quite simply, it isn't in the budget to replace things.

Most certainly, the most obvious fix (other than finding Marley a new home, which would leave me heartbroken) would be to make sure she is in her cage every moment that I'm not home. I thought it would be ok if someone else was around, but apparently, she is well aware that if her parents are not in, she can sneak into loads of trouble under the nose of house mates.

So, that brings us to these facts -

- I have 2 days off in the next month...
- I need to purchase new clothes, shoes, replacements of aforementioned lost..ahem...eaten items. (i have quite literally a few hours within in the next couple of days with which to do most of this. a few hours which is quickly dwindling down to a couple... and this cannot begin until everyone is done, and i can leave. - in turn, this means more money, which is great. catch 22, you see?)
- I need to discover an effective way of training my puppy to be a household member we can all live with.
- I need to learn color lines/skin care lines/computer system/phones/makeup application for my new job
- Then there's the regular FT job
- The work-out/running goals
- Oh, and the songwriting/music goals that need to be met in the next 5 months which is actually the top of my list.
- Not to mention keeping up with family and friends and other commitments.
- and all the misc. everyday things that matter.

In short, i'm a little stressed out.

i'm tired of internalizing what feels like overdose after overdose of ridiculousness.
my chest hurts.
my skin is crawling like it could burst into hives at any second.
the practical, everyday life feels real heavy.

"take from our souls the strain and stress, and let our ordered lives confess...
...the beauty of your peace."


Monday, April 23, 2012

this thing called love. [part i]

i am a hopeless romantic.
it won't stop.
i can't rid myself of it.
and sometimes i wonder if i was born in the wrong time.
sometimes i wonder if there is a place in the world for the old fashioned hearts like mine.
i mean, the stories aren't even that good anymore.
today's idea of love is just lust masquerading as love.
like some mischievous cupid
dancing around with a handful of psychedelics
to give you that euphoric feeling
and pretty soon it wears off and you'll want more...
or something stronger
and pretty soon it's a bunch of disappointed hearts
that have used too many bodies
and nothing is really sacred
are we having fun yet?
and sometimes it dresses up as some sort of sense of duty
because the chemicals are so strong
the attraction is so intense
it doesn't matter that it's killing us
wearing us down
holding us back
we'll hold on until we disappear
and then we resent this thing called "love".

selah. [part ii]

i want a love that chooses me, because i am.
and i choose you...
because you are.
a romance to sweep me off my feet.
beyond the longest shadows of doubt...
i am the apple of his eye.
i want a love that chooses me when the heart is weary
when the head is stressed
when the sirens call...
when pretty women want you
when their words are so charming
and their curves entice you to wander,
i want a love that's bigger than my lover
that forsakes all others
and says, i am yours.
and you are mine.
on good days
on bad days
a love that protects
a love that builds up
the beauty in me
the wonder in you.
a love that says...
i am yours,
and you are mine.
in the good times.
in the bad times.
when we've reached the ends of our ropes
when there's nothing to give
and nothing to take
i am yours,
and you are mine.
when the world gets dark
and i cannot see your face
you're speaking a different language
and your distance maims my life
still, i am yours,
and you are mine.
when breakthroughs come... and the skies light up
when we're filled with wonder
and all is being made right
those times when we know we're right where we're supposed to be...
that we are on our way
i am yours,
and you are mine.
if lies have covered us up in shame
and we make our bed in hell
drowning in oceans of fear
love will find us out
will redeem and restore
above the roar
singing songs of hope
i am yours,
and you are mine.
and if drowning in seas of grace
breathing underwater
swallowed by peace
and heaven kisses earth
i am yours,
and you are mine.
this love is dangerous.
it's anything but safe.
but it's good.
that kind of love...
that chooses me
that chooses you
just because you are.
just because i am.
i am yours.
and you are mine.


i can't even find a starting point
i reached the end of my rope months ago
treading water and coasting
and just when i think it's all about to be better
_____ careless fools drag me down a little farther
i still have some fight left
but at this point, i assure you it would be reckless
_____ dirty.
this kind of anger steals my creativity
steals my ability to utilize my vocabulary
all you're worth is expletives and profanity
i curse the day i met you.
half-startled, half-ashamed of the depths of my rage
but hell hath no fury like woman scorned.
and there is nothing like the first time it's released
what? all this from such a sweet, loving girl
always looking on the bright side?
i'm always quick to cry rather than to snap back
quick to calm down rather than to yell or scream
quick to FORGIVE
quick to OVERLOOK
your damned failing just to be a decent ____ human.
and just maybe one day... everyone will see you
see you for the fraud you are.
that none of your ideas or words or interests are original
you are a blatant knockoff
and i'm not sure what's worse
what you are?
or the good hearts who buy in to what you are.
you are my judas
the straw that broke the camel's back
that's far too much credit.
you are simply the puppet on a hundred strings
a filthy parasite under my skin
burrowed lies deep inside my brain
to torment
and i will scratch you out.
and so help me GOD...
i will release you
i will release each finger turning white wrapped round
your reddened neck
i will give up my fantasies of your destruction
lest i bleed out.
and you most certainly are not worth that.
and i will wash my hands
and hand you over
to the divine
to some system of karma
set myself free...
and release you.
to allow beautiful things to come from this cursed ground
or i will become it.

Friday, April 20, 2012


the king is dead.
wait it out, and soon the queen will follow.
fallen off their crooked thrones
just give it time.
invisible hands of justice
but you still plead your allegiance...
out of one side of your mouth
and those words in between the lines
is the salt in the wound
is the twist of the knife
is the kick while i'm down
but i won't stay here long...
making exit strategies and plans
find another city
another town to make a rented house a home
trembling hands stilled
strike the box
the smell of sulfur in white ribbons
the dance of the flame
i've set this house on fire
burnt the bridges
watched them snap and slide down into the ravines
of regret
and left
all of the safety
because this time it counts
this time the guns are loaded
it will make us or break us
there is no part that will be sufficient
only whole
only all
and then more than we've the capacity for
and that leaves us to be overcome
be overcome by love and fear overthrown
or overcome by fear
with love still pursuit
the choice seems obvious
but it is ours.
none but ours.
we've not been this way before.
it will not be the same.
the way...
the outcome...
nothing is the same.
and all of the walls
and all of guards
all of the weapons
and lines of defense
they are all useless here.
just us overcoming.
just us overcome.
the old is overthrown.
so what are you waiting for?

Thursday, April 19, 2012

if i could tell you anything...

it's the tearing...
the two sides of my heart exploding
one that would tell you that it's lost in some dizzying wonder.
that i still notice when your hand brushes my arm.
that my favourite place in the whole world is when you hold me.
everything stops.
everything is still.
and the other that whispers, "i'm afraid..."
afraid you meant it.
afraid i'm not enough.
afraid your heart isn't mine.
and then the other cannot help it...
cannot help but sigh when you tell me so.
i'd tell you that you're more than enough.
that i see what you cannot...
that i believe what you cannot
that you are woven into the fabric of my world
and maybe i just wish you could see the greatness within....
or maybe the power you possess
the way you touch all five senses
and you can heal them
and you can bruise them
your gift can build up
and it can tear down
and you have no idea the effect...
of just your word
of just your touch
it's how you see things.
it takes a song to remind me...
just a moment
and i'm in a transporter
the trees twirling past
in the passenger seat
i'd close my eyes and just breathe it in
i couldn't stop smiling
one of the happiest moments of my life
and i wasn't afraid to be.
and you weren't afraid to say so.
and it all got confused and twisted.
started seeing things the wrong way
like the enemy of our story tricked us
we've been had, sir.
and sipping the beer... the taste acquired...
i imagined, i was completely and utterly present
as myself.
all myself.
and it was enough.
and i was the one you'd fight for.
one of your heart's great desires.
the one your mind runs to.
your muse.
and i could revel in it and dispel the doubt.
the rumours.
the fear.
the mirror i look in paints me as a fool.
and when i say out loud what it is that i see...
no one bothers to correct.
and so, if i could tell you anything...
i'd tell you everything.
but it's what you said in response...
it's what i'd find in your heart
that would make all the difference.
your beautiful love.

Monday, April 16, 2012


remind me...
convince me...
that i am absolutely beautiful.
that i am priceless.
that i am adored.
heal my eyes.
fix the way i see myself.
it's all distorted.
i can't see straight.
remind me...
convince me...

Saturday, April 14, 2012


"To admit wanting revenge is to admit you have been crushed and need to be rebuilt. Few are comfortable admitting that, even to themselves." -Laura Blumenfeld

If i could delete you from a real life timeline i would. And i wouldn't feel badly about it. Not even a little.

If i could have selective amnesia... erase words and times and scenes from my mind, i would.

This is the truth.
And i will lay this down again and again until i unlearn the habit of picking it back up.
Surrender my weapons of revenge.
May forgiveness outrun resentment to the finish line of my heart.

The good that will be made of this will be something astounding.

“Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Friday, April 13, 2012

i am writing up a storm. singing up a storm. staying on schedule with new goals. and this is very exciting. very encouraging. i need a lot of encouragement these days. there is a lot i haven't shared. probably because i'm truly unsure of just how to do that without exposing private things and embarrassing people. and that's ok. it's been heavy. it's been a lot. it's been a hurtful time. but the season is changing, and i am coming out on the other side with grace and dignity.
that is my aim, anyway.
nashville has the craziest weather at present, which is another reason i'm not sure i feel so well physically today. there is at least a 35 degree temperature variance each day. my body hates it.

it is really hard to unhear things.
to unlearn a habit.
and i really pray that the positive... that truth will bombard me daily until i've forgotten all of the words said.

a friend of mine put it best...
i feel like i'm in the midst of a dense dark crazy huge forest. and only one can find me. and i know that he will. i'm just waiting on him to arrive. and as much as one is naturally inclined to run for your life!!!! ... i am making a fire and waiting.
that's where i'm supposed to be.

everything will be made right.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

dear god,

drive away the shades of night.
and say this will be over soon.