Tuesday, June 29, 2010

when peace like a river attends my way; when sorrows like sea billows roll...

(art - mark demsteader)
It is Tuesday. The twenty-ninth of June, two thousand and ten, to be precise. Only a couple of days til my birthday. My uneasiness about my birthday has little to do with age, but everything to do with the feeling I'm not where I wanted to be. In fact, I'm in the same place I was over a year ago... outwardly anyway. Inwardly, everything feels completely different. Last night before I went to sleep, I pulled out this little book I keep under my bed, a sort of journal. I started reading some of the entries from a little over a year ago, and found that I was saying very much the same things that I find myself saying now. Except when I wrote them, it was from a place of wanting. I was talking about a place I wanted to be, in the inner sense. They were words I wanted to believe… words that made sense in my head, but hadn’t been grasped by my heart. After reading it, I was dumbstruck in the middle of my bed unsure of whether to feel despair or absolute excitement.

I’ve pretty much always known what I’ve wanted to do… I am well acquainted with my heart’s desires...with these dreams and goals of mine. I have a vision and I’ve been running for that as long as I can remember. (and i'm not stopping anytime soon.) Somewhere along the way, though, some thief… the villain in my story, if you will, stole my hope. I lost heart. If you lose heart… if you lose your hope... you're heart sick and propelled by fear. And if fear is in the driver seat of your life, oh good grief. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen. It’s a tragedy being written. It spills into everything you say and do and think. It’s crippling and stifling. You become afraid to really enjoy anything. Your heart gets harder and more closed off… Your art and your craft comes from a place of reservation. You become a hoarder… frugal with your friendships, in your emotions, with your money, with your time… full of unrest... filled with anxiety.
It makes you absolutely self-absorbed and sucks the life right out of you.

This is really hard to admit… but here goes:

I’m thankful I haven’t yet reached the goals I’ve set for myself because I've had fear in the driver seat of my life. Who needs another person saying the same thing, singing the same songs of despair, making the same selfish decisions, another person on another carousel of one mistake after another. another person propelled by desperation... another person begging the world to love them for 15 minutes of fame. That isn’t what I was made for.
I’m thankful for the disappointments that have happened in romantic relationships over the last couple of years, because I wouldn’t want to do this life journey with someone while fear dominates my heart. I dont want to love cautiously... always looking over my shoulder and watching the door. I want to love deeply and love well.
I’m thankful for this time at home. I'm not especially happy about the heartache that's taken place within my family. However, I am thankful that it's brought us closer. I'm thankful for the healing that has come out of that.
I'm thankful for this time away from the friends that I miss til I ache, because it's really been an extended season of enlarging the walls of my heart. Even, creating a new one. I’m thankful for a new beginning in which I can enjoy people right where they are, for all that they are… unafraid of the shadows of rejection and abandonment looming ahead.
I’m sorry it took me so long to learn these things.
But this is what it’s all about.
I’m grateful beyond words for the darkest night my soul has encountered. To lose the fear that has dominated too many years of my life and be found by love.
I’m excited about the days ahead.
Not because of some heightened expectation or specific events or because of the promise of outward changes. Not because of anything I can see. There’s just a quiet confidence... there's rest in my heart. there's peace that i can't fathom, let alone explain. an undercurrent of joy that come what may, all is well and all will be well with my soul.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

promise not to tell anyone...

but there are fireflies dancing in the wide open spaces of my heart.
wonders of the dark night.
finish what you've started...
and something beautiful will come of all this.

oh baby.

t minus 5 days til my birthday.
t minus 5 days til my departure for london.
told you i had stuff to say!
getting super excited/nervous. cos i'm always nervous and silly about such things.
meanwhile, my skin hates me. booo.
i'm a sleepy and worn out little bear.
and england lost. no more world cup.
i almost cried.
hair cut & deep conditioner treatment means my hair smells/feels dreamy.
i care more than i let on about things.
i've been quite introspective today.
and now, i am tired of thinking.
godiva chocolate kisses & goodnight.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

people say i've changed, that's alright. can i be healed?

i have not been very good at updating this, due to lack of internet connections and keyboards. blogging on phones or ipods is just not nearly as fun. and there's actually so much going on that i should be telling you about.
but my stomach is begging for food... or coffee.
my body is begging to be beaten into submission... or to go on a run.
so, i suppose it will all have to wait.

i will say that i have a sneaky brain. even if i purpose not to think about something a lot, it will find ways to process that information or search for a solution while i'm sleeping. relational interruptions make me sick to my stomach. and i just want to fix them. but love is patient and i am not. and sometimes, actually most often, it takes a tender release so that they can grasp whatever slow reveal that needs to happen. sometimes to show people how much they mean to you... you can't grip them harder, but let them go. however, you don't run away. you just wait quietly. it sounds glorious and sweet and so simple. but it's hard and leaves the worst taste in my mouth.

but it isn't exactly about me all the time is it. lesson of the year: control is an illusion. there is a massive story of which i have a definite meaningful part. but it isn't centered around me and my whimsical happiness. but there is a joy in it... in realising it's not quite so tame and small. that this is wide open space. and it's a joy like an oil. it doesn't come off easily with the changing of the seasons.
i mostly just want to be better at love. in all the facets of life.
this is like math class. except there's no formulas. and i'm determined to understand.

Monday, June 21, 2010

said you need to be alone, well i don't.

went into the studio this weekend and recorded some demos.
one of them started as an idea from the mind & heart of my wonderful friend danny fox.
he graciously entrusted me with this idea and the story behind it to craft a song...
and you can hear it for yourself on my myspace.
'come home'

more from this weekend to come soon.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

in my place.

“I would mostly like it if you were to tiptoe quietly and spring up on me. Just don’t be too good to be true. And where did that strain of cynicism come from? How did it slip through the cracks unnoticed?” Thoughts mingled with the lines of her pen. Carbon Monoxide exhaling beneath the radar of detection. She was resting so she breathed deep.
“Now, bed ridden wondering what’s to become of me. I don’t fit in the lines, the boxes, the sizes, the context. I slip in and out of your standards of consciousness. I play out like a psalm of David. Lamentations giving way to exultations of sights yet unseen. “
She sometimes tires of wearing the crown of thorns on her brow. The scarlet letters branded her heart with rejection. She has tried covering them, masking them, and even removing them with songs or control under disguise. But all has fallen. Tools broken. Plans disappointed. She weeps in silence. In the privacy of her little room. In her place. She knows well the fetal position she can’t seem to outgrow and the rocking and the lonesome sway. The deadpan melancholy of a comfortable bed in which she sleeps alone. The days that begin as they always have, with night. Her dark eyes glisten with thousands of stars… hope twinkling… bated breath for the sound of the dawn. She dwells here in this city of almost... of something on the verge, and yet still barren. A city built by sorrow that seizes it's inhabitants with violent force. It is a city that many people pretend to have seen. But, they’ve only seen it from afar. And on this particular street, upon the fault-line of destiny and fate, she dwells. It is a street many people claim to have driven down, but rarely a car drives by it. It's not the sort of place to cruise through on a Sunday afternoon. You won't find it on a map and your gps will detour. It's some sort of hidden place, almost a bermuda triangle... You know it because you're meant to know. And herein lies the despair. Is the outcome for good? Or is the outcome for ruin?
Here, you'll find her... in a room that no one dares to enter. Letters ripped open in exuberant haste, now litter the floor… now, lining the trash, now decaying in the junk yard. The promises and words of hope contained therein proven to be just as sure and meaningful as the bio-degrading paper upon which they were written. And she is marked with an indelible ink that will not be erased. A mark of hope. A promise of love from a hand that can’t be seen, only felt. Like invisible feathers spread over her body, in between her shaking and the source of the quakes and the elemental furies. It’s all she has to go on. And go she does. Like a runner in a marathon… she does not let up. She does not let on. And even when she does, who but the person who has marked her… who would see?
Displaced creature with a golden heart. A shimmering diamond still held in the mines of coal. A beating heart still waiting to be seen… to be heard… to be held.
She sings. She waits. She sings over the heads bent throughout that city. Hope descends. They sing along. But they never even know it’s her song…

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

am i a boy?

football + england + kasabian = another post from nitasha.
cos i'm not a boy. i'm a hot-blooded woman.

"This isn't about yesterday, it's about today, the here and now. Let's make the world remember the roar of the lion forever." Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Whatever journey you're on. Wherever you are. Because you know I'm all about those allegories and hidden meanings.

once upon a world cup...

"They have a very direct, way of playing. They don't do fear."


Friday, June 11, 2010


now that my heart is sufficiently melted.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

june 11, 2010

world cup, y'all. it's coming.
and i've got 1 word to say about it:

oh the heart beats in its cage...

[isabellasart on etsy.]

in the words of frank baum.

should anyone like to know what's happening in my life...

"It was very dark, and the wind howled horribly around her, but Dorothy found she was riding quite easily. After the first few whirls around, and one other time when the house tipped badly, she felt as if she were being rocked gently, like a baby in a cradle.
Hour after hour passed away, and slowly Dorothy got over her fright; but she felt quite lonely, and the wind shrieked so loudly all about her that she nearly became deaf. At first she had wondered if she would be dashed to pieces when the house fell again; but as the hours passed and nothing terrible happened, she stopped worrying and resolved to wait calmly and see what the future would bring. At last she crawled over the swaying floor to her bed, and lay down upon it; and Toto followed and lay down beside her...
In spite of the swaying of the house and the wailing of the wind, Dorothy soon closed her eyes and fell fast asleep."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

intermission[uncaging the lion.]

i may not know anything.
i may be uncertain of just about everything.
but i know this...
my head will be lifted.

[steven meisel]

hope is the thing with feathers.

Sorrow beyond expression
Despair has made a confession
And I lose
I lose
A familiar breaking sound
Like the whole city came crashing down

Oh my body is shaking
And oh my back it is aching
The weight of the world
Threatens to break me in two
Hide me
Away in your feathers
Hide me
Away altogether
If I could just steal away
underneath of you

Hurts when I breathe in and out
And there is no easy way out
Go through
Go through
All that I’ve known is in question
Your name is my only confession
But I’m through
I need you

songs in the night - 001

[photo: sarah moon]

I make up
The reasons why they always go
If I said
Them out loud I’m sure they would say no
Find the blame
In myself, in my face, in these shoes
So lame
How I blame everybody
But you

Tell me why they fight so hard
To get into your heart
And then leave in the silence
Tell me why they fight so hard
To get into your heart
And then leave you with violence

Took me down
To the floor beneath the lowest one
Figure out
Why I never reach the bottom
I let go
Should be used to a life on my own
Saving up
Putting coins in my pockets of hope

Tell me why they fight so hard
To get into your heart
And then leave in the silence
Tell me why they fight so hard
To get into your heart
And then leave you with violence

this is a song for the
ones who are hunted by despair
this is a song for the
girls without flowers in their hair
this is a song for the
little ones who grew up too fast
this is a song for the
dreamers set free from their past
praying the night won’t last

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

keppe down and gei schluffen.

[irving penn - summer sleep]

why is it so hard to just put your head down and go to sleep?
no matter how young you are...
no matter how old you are...
i have never known stability in my life.
i dont say that in a 'woe is me' sort of way.
but it's just how it's been. lots of love anchoring years and years and years of heartache.
and i've tried so hard to be 'good'. to make the right decision. to make myself better... whatever i can to fix things, to fix others, to rescue everyone. so history doesn't repeat itself.
once again, everything has fallen.
it feels as though the whole world is moving and yet it just dropped dead.
control is an illusion.
and i can't seem to pry my hands from that shadow.
i am fear driven and anxious and full of unrest.
but the future is not what you've seen.
the future is not what it used to be.
all things can be made new. right?
i just need to let go.
do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid.do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid.do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid. do not be afraid.
at night your song is with me.

songs in the dead of night.
so sing me to sleep.

concrete skin.

Concrete skin
In a hurricane
It’s just 30 seconds left to
Go insane
And we felt like ourselves but
So the same
Wake up
Find yourself in a
Another game

And all these days are bringing me down
And all these days are bathed in the sound
And these days I feel lost when I’m found
And these days you don’t see me around

It’s a good job
Just to pay the bills
But those 9-5s
Make you feel so ill
Constant escape outside
The window sill
And turn the radio up
And hope it kills

Monday, June 7, 2010

i might be down, but i'm not dead in the water. [yet]

angry. low. depressed. enraged. livid. frustrated. hurt. confused. spiteful. sad. amused. sarcastic. sick. lunatic. novelty. hungry. thirsty. wanting. used. fighting. tempted. tricked. fool. waiting. sucker. anxious. weary. sleepless. jealous. disinterested. obsessed. closed. failing. tired of losing. tired of assholes. tired of the same story. tired of apologies. i can't hear you. i won't hear you. tired of forgiving. sick of one-way street relationships. disappointed. lonely. withdrawn. forgotten. distrustful.
i just stopped believing.
you win.
what could you do to me? it's not new to me.
i belong to no one.

move along.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

heavy in a dark room.

this was all that i wanted
this was all that i wanted and more
like the bells were ringing
surprises waiting at the front door
lit up light it was christmas
or springtime sun had opened the blooms
but now i'm bathed in sickness
and all i need to forget is you

and bring me out
and bring me out
and bring me out of this
hold me up
hold me up
and bring me out of this

all my limbs are aching
and every song you sing makes me cry
i greet the morning with questions
and nobody can answer the whys
i got a lifetime of sorrow
that i'm willing to be better from
i'm fixated on tomorrow
to bring me word that all this is done

and bring me out
and bring me out
and bring me out of this
hold me up
hold me up
and bring me out of this

heavy in a dark room
say it will be done soon
plague of sullen darkness
light a match and end this
and bring me out
and bring me out
and bring me out of this

Saturday, June 5, 2010

night terror [becoming a ghost.]

I saw the horror pass
The draining of her face
Saw the laughter take its leave
And never leave a trace
And in the fabric of my skin
There lies rejection stains
And they aren’t coming out
They won’t be erased

We’re all running scared
All so ill-prepared
Is this what it’s about?
Is time just running out?
Packing up my bags
speeding through the street
Avoid the lying eyes
Of everyone I meet
Release me.

A ribbon held the papers
All so perfectly aligned
Requests for her beloved’s heart
To come home were declined
A thousand ‘no’s repeating
Upon all those golden sheets
Behind a veil of tears
Descended clouds of deepest grief

[photo: sarah moon.]

Friday, June 4, 2010

Get thee to a nunn'ry, why woulds't thou be a breeder of sinners?

I play this game with myself
I let a few people in on it every once in a while
I pretend I’m capable of not caring
But it doesn’t take much
I’m easily affected.
Could be a song
Could be a photo
Could be some words
Could be a name
I play this game
Pretend to be someone else
Because I think I secretly don’t like myself
But I’m really awful at being anyone else
And I’m reminded so quickly
That it doesn’t take much
I’m easily infected
Could be a song
Could be a photo
Could be some words
Could be a name
I play this game
I always lose
And I’ll let you in on it
Just this once, cos it’s been a while
I pretend I don’t care
Little actress dressing up like
La la la la la la
Fair Ophelia.
Pretend to go mad
Pretend not to care
Because I cannot make them
I cannot sway them
Because they are not easily affected
By my song
By my photo
By my words
By my name
I play this game
Let’s begin.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

you can run, but they will fleece you then release you.

set fire to the branches.
let my weary heart alone.

baby's got the lonesome lows...

i just want goodness to pound beats on my door like a drummer, for love to woo me with songs at my window, while joy, hope and peace play a stringed quartet. i'll answer.

sometimes you just need some good tunes.
i got into an accident yesterday...
in rush-hour traffic, a guy slammed on his breaks and i couldn't stop fast enough.
i am fine. the front passenger side of my car (i'm american, mind... so that side.) is smashed up. but it could be so much worse.
it seems my paying more for a lower deductible has paid off... and all will begin to be sorted tomorrow. le sigh.
fun part is that the guy was jewish - wearing a yarmulke and a lonnnnng beard. he was sweet as pie and offering me water and making such a fuss to be sure i was alright. i was getting his information, as you do... and he then, asks me if it's my husbands car. i tell him i dont have a husband. he asks me again to be sure he's heard me right, as he didn't seem to believe me. so he asked about a boyfriend. i said, nope. and he's like... "waaaait. so you're ...how do you say... single?" i'm like, hah. yep. he's now quite eager to get my information and gets super excited about my marital status, and tells me the next time he comes this way from brooklyn (where he lives) he is going to stop in and see me... however, i'd never be able to be buried in a jewish cemetary if i did convert, because i've got a tattoo and have plans for another. made it fun, nonetheless. (i am giggling to myself typing this.)

after a wonderful weekend in nashville, i am missing my besties.
i am a relational creature.
and i've got a case of the lonelies.
but guess what. this won't last for always. it won't last a second longer than it has to.
i may be lonely and frustrated with certain situations.
but i am loved. and for that, i am thankful.
i will not disregard the treasures in my hands because i'm too busy looking for something else.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

i dont wanna miss you anymore.

i need a home.
a place near friends.
and some serious time in london.

oh and my birthday is in a month, and i dont think i even care.
i do.
i just want to hide.
it's like a looming mark of failure. going... hey! you were supposed to do so much this year... in this life... but uh, you're in the same place as last year.
externally anyway.

i'm a weirdo. i'm such a girl, albeit an adventurous one in the body of a 20something woman with the sense of humor and random tendencies of an english rudeboy who happens to have a very old, very tender and very merry soul... who happens to be absolutely mad & likes music a lot.

anyone know a good therapist?