Saturday, February 28, 2009

the world is quiet here.

"and above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are hidden in the most unlikely places. and those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

Friday, February 27, 2009

To Whom it may Concern:

i need your face to stop popping up everywhere.
It makes me feel like my heart is attacking my chest, and then my pulse starts thrashing around my veins like a mad drummer.

It makes me miss you. Kind of like a dog that runs to the window everytime a car pulls up, only to find that it's just driving through.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.



Thursday, February 26, 2009

i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; i lift my lids and all is born again.

i'm over-processing
so, hurry if you will
my feet just wanna dance
and i can't keep them still.
stars around my head.
i'm wishing on them all.
one fell down in my hand.
i put it on your wall.
i'm waiting with my friends.
waiting just for you.
there's kisses on my lips,
i'm saving for you too.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

i've spent these years trying to sing these doubts away; but the water keeps on falling from my eyes.

i hate when i cry myself to sleep and wake up crying.
and then you have to walk into work like everything's fine.
when will i understand all these things? and not just for a fleeting moment, but really grasp it so it doesn't leave again. you try to embrace the hard times, letting it all refine you, rather than bring you down and break you. you just give in and choose joy and choose hope. and then, just because you aren't wallowing in guilt and self-pity everyone thinks you're fine! what?!?!
not to mention, i've got this horrid suspicion that everyone knows something that i don't.
it's all...
"poor boy. poor boy. what have i done? poor boy. poor boy, i'll right my wrong. what can i say or do to change these grey skies back to blue?"
i would just like to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that all of this... every bit of it actually matters. that it is of value. that good will come of it, in the end.

"i'm a reasonable [girl] get off my case, get off my case"

ah, God bless the Lord for Jon Foreman and Thom Yorke!!!!
the little things.

Monday, February 23, 2009

and by that glare my love will see that i am still blazing in my golden hell.

watching and waiting til morning.
watching and waiting til morning.
i watch and wait for you.
only for you.
with your arrival comes love.
with your arrival comes generous redemption.
watching and waiting til morning
watching and waiting with hope.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

set these once broken bones to dancing.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Hush, Hush, Hush … I heard a sound come from the ground
All of the trees are a buzz
Talking in tongues, talking with lungs
Talking of freedom
I'll find my hope in you.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment — is one not yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love — love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first."
now, teach me to dance.

Friday, February 20, 2009

andrew burton is my friend.

this is what i wish for...

Sweet summer night and I'm stripped to my sheets
Foreman is leaking; my AC squeaks
And a voice from the clock says "You're not gonna get tired"
My bed is a pool and the wall's on fire
Soak my head in the sink for a while
It chills my neck and it makes me smile
But my bones gotta move and my skin's gotta breathe
You pick up the phone and I'm so relieved
You slide down the stairs to the eager street
And the sun is left with slippery feet
And I want to walk around with you
And be here with youIt doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Home for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I'll point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
Dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walkin' around in our summertime clothes
Know where to go where our bodies go
And we'll breath the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawns, you'll be sleeping soon
And I want to walk around with you
When the sun goes down we'll go out again!
Don't cool off I like your warmth
Let's leave the sound of the heat for the sound of the rain
It's easy to sleep when it wets my brain
It covers my rest with a saccharine sheen
Kissing the wind through my window screen
But restless is causeless and I cannot hide
So much of my mind that it spills outside
Do you wanna go stroll down a financial street?
Our clothes might get soaked
But the buildings sleep
And there's no one pushing for a place
As we enter at an easy pace
And I want to walk around with you I want to walk around with you
Just you, just you, just you, just you
-animal collective: 'summertime clothes'

Thursday, February 19, 2009

come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long.

so i had all these plans. and they were fantastic. and now, nothing makes very much sense at all. so i try to look at things with new perspective. step back. see the forest for the trees up in a helicopter kind of thing. and i'm still unable to see where i'm supposed to be going. where i'm supposed to be headed. and who is supposed to come with me?
there are people meant to help me. and i shouldn't be ready to eject and jump ship at the first sign of turmoil, but i've got my finger on the red button. i feel like i'm not being heard. i'm not being understood, by those who are supposed to represent all that i am in my absence. this is a problem. either people are staying absolutely silent and keeping still, or they are this train ready to go and it's alllllaboard time. but i'm not convinced they're trying to take me in the right direction.

can there just be someone who believes in me? who gets what i'm about? who has the necessary qualifications and whatnot to co-pilot this ship with me? because i bloody well can't do it alone!

and then there's that amazing anticipation of spring. of the dead being brought to life. of something beautiful being made of all that has been dry and barren.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

it's my mistake and no mistaking i would take it back if i could.

once upon a time, just for fun, and really for my own personal silliness, i covered a song called 'first love' by a band called the maccabees.

so a little label called weekender heard it and said, "oh! let's release this!"
i was very very worried, and said i wanted the above boys to approve it, first. so they listened to it and called just to say they liked it very much.
which made me very relieved and very happy, indeed.

and so it was, that one year ago today, i released my first single.

the end.

i crack the codes, you win the war.

is it so wrong that i miss your face?
i want to walk around with you.
just you. just you. just you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

not a robot, but a ghost.

i like cupcakes.
esp. red velvet ones.

i've seen this old man shuffling/walking down the street the last 2 nights. and i've cried each time i see him. i don't even understand.
except i am exhausted. but! the aforementioned tunes are finished, for now. and that is a relief. and business negotiations are moving forward. allllways good.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

dear ____________, (fill your name in here)

  • i fight tigers, apparently. who knew?
  • i have learned a secret handshake.
  • also. i have a beloved friend named tom. he takes pictures. and shakes tambourines. and fills his house with feathers. he also has a trampoline. and makes me laugh pretty much every single day. you can see all these things right here (just keep watching the boy in black with the camera)...well, except for my laughter. you can't really seeee that can you:

  • thanks for the tunes. (and best of 2008) i am now in a dreamworld of andrew bird, animal collective, florence & the machince, and still bon iver.
  • the new songs are nearly done. and thank god, because i'm going broke.
  • i've got the dreamer's disease, kids. it's bad. it's malignant actually. and i'm ok with that. i absolutely have to be doing music. i'm just not a 9-5 girl, and never will be. but, gosh, i'm going to try to make the best of all this. =)
  • i spent some time with this little boy from down the street. sweet.crazy.adorable kid. in our conversation, it made me sad how very little innocense he has left at 8 years old. he's got so much energy. he just can't stand still. such a typical boy. i LOVE it! but it makes me heart sick that it isn't being directed properly. so much i could say... but that's another post. before i left for the studio, he asked when i'd be home, cos he wanted to hang out with me. and then he asked for a hug before i left. hahahaha oh goodness gracious me.
  • i think i'm going to choose hugs from my babies and time with my girls over a date with rufus wainright in nyc. it's a likely possibility.

i miss you,


Thursday, February 5, 2009

i burned down my time machine and i let grace come rescue me.

grace = aggressive forgiveness.
hmm. well, what do you know?!

i was also thinking about something today...
about temporary vs. eternal.
about how i usually associate temporary things with physical, tangible things. and this is true. i cannot take my keyboard with me when life is done. but. i can't take hurts and regrets either. i can leave a legacy of it. which would suck for those left with pieces of me. or i can leave a legacy of love. an inheritance of love.
gosh, perspective is sweet.

love hard or go home.
lastly, i have finally decided...
oasis. supersonic. + florence & the machine. dog days are over:

= anthems for 2009.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

everything leaves a mark.

unforgiveness is a cold hard bitch with a kiss on her fist.
i know. super vulgur and crude for nitasha jackson.
but, there.
i said it.
and that's putting it nicely, i think.
it's also the key to a lonely cell of torture that a prisoner wears around his/her neck.
because, absolutely no one holds you there. no one can keep you there.

no one but yourself.

i had this gruesome little daydream yesterday. simply ghastly. but ever so appropriate. and if i ever write a song to go with it, i shall make it into a music video and beg ***guy ritchie*** to direct it.
essentially, it would have myself being tied. gagged and bound to a chair by a person in a mask of sorts. perhaps a balaklava. (think james bond or 21 or any gangster film with a dark room, lit only by some sinister swaying light bulb, illuminating the poor soul being kept there.) the masked person would then start shouting all kinds of horrendous verbal abuse. one verbal assault after another. how awful i am. how ugly i am. how ungrateful...this, that, and the other. this would soon descend into throwing punches. swing. swing. swing. just a nasty little scene. but not too gross. cos it's not my intention to bring nightmares. at the end of this onslaught, 'the accuser' if you will, will then remove her mask. it is then, you will find that this person handing out this cruel and unusual punishment is none other than...myself.

often i find it's almost harder to forgive myself than it is to do that for others. and so i beat myself up about all kinds of things. if you hear something enough you believe it. and it makes no difference if you're the voice speaking the words or not. this happens far too often to me...and to lots of people i know. especially girls, it seems.

"he will not remember what i cannot forget."

slowly i'm learning the art of forgiveness. of self-acceptance. to stop this crap that leads to nothing but depression. i am sick of being down. so, let's not just sit here, then, silly girl. lift up your head, already!
soon i'll know what it means to be absolutely free. =)


***there are 3 guys i'd like to meet.***
- guy eppel...well, again. in nyc i mean, or london. for lunch. or coffee. or general mischief.
- guy ritchie...cos i love him.
- guy berryman...cos i ...would like to meet him. just once. at least.
***also...fingers crossed that my voice is better for recording tomorrow.
***my boss says 'buh-bye' in the friendliest snl style and it makes me laugh a lot.
***i found this song that makes me happy, by a band called pictures and sound -"it's you"
oh, mercy mercy me.
***i'm the sleepiest girl you ever did see. but you can't see me.