Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
teach me how to be still
and disappear completely
to remember what should be so obvious
but it's all wrong and in my head
the checks need balancing
and the balancing needs checking
and God, my heart is hungry
for a meaning i won't forget
or to know i'm not forgotten
that the invitation is still good
that my push will be ignored
because somehow it's understood
because i'm acting out
because i feel misunderstood
like my heart is lost in translation
like a child too young to speak
or just like the rest of us
scared as hell
pushing away and fighting the tender touches
that should make us safe
trying not to remember
all the wrong things
analyse all the small things
remember and impose my fears
but i'm imposing!
and need reassuring
and need to hear it til i don't remember.
a hand to steady the trembling
just wait til the tremors stop
no walls resurrected
no guards sent to taunt
just come sit down beside me
and be patient with my heart.
Friday, October 7, 2011
should anything happen here
it will be on your head
and i will call out your name
long after all has been said
and the peace is disturbed
like the waves in my brain
and collapse from the strain
i'll not tell it again
just make lines from the stain
gentle fingers turn to fists
and i've lost the courage to throw them
imagine the look on their faces
wall flower i am not
damsel in distress - never.
manipulation empress -
i should be.
because in this world they get what they want.
jezebels turning heavens to hells
careful, the fury is waking up
careful, when i feel enough is enough.
fingerprints fading from the glass walls.
can't compare with indelible marks and scratches
the mended breaks that insight your response.
and so on.
and if i am angry it is taken as weakness
and if i am sad, just a fragile actress.
and if i am happy well, then all is right within these worlds.
my words fall unheard. like flakes of snow
awake to the drifts that collected in the night while they slept.
my nightmares have become hunters that stalk when i am awake.
but i won't leave a trace from this exhausted chase.
my thoughts take shape and would form sound
that would fill the room
but there is no sound
smiling mime. unheard. unkept.
so take this home and watch it wither and die.
weary of playing god assessing and reassessing the value of it's life
who am I?
make that case lower.
and teetering like a child on the playground, constantly ignoring and excusing the symptoms. the seriousness.
laugh it off as folly while the shadows haunt me in the night
remind me in the day
and pull away
and watch the fingerprints and breath fading from the glass walls