Friday, September 19, 2014

Dear Nashville, [You give me mountains and valleys, but I need the sea.]

In you, I've found some of my sweetest and dearest friends.
In you, I've found some lost souls that I wish I'd never met.
In you, I've danced.
Danced as hard as I could in the lights, in the rain, in the night.
In you, I've sipped wine at the top of love's circle.
In you, I've been dolled up.
Painted faces in a pillow fight!
In you, I've laughed.
In you, I've wept.
In you, I've been encouraged.
In you, I've been remembered.
In you, I've been forgotten.
In you, I've been challenged.
In you, I've been cheered.
In you, I've been jeered.
In you, I've been...
lied to...
cheated on...
In you, I've known love and I've lost it.
In you, I tried hate for the first time.
In you, I tried beer again, and found I like it.
In you, I've made mistakes... I've tried to mend them...
I've cared too much... I've cared too little.
I danced into your walls, strong and beautiful... feeling everything... singing loud...
I have run away from you, broken and fragile... wounded... defeated.
And run back again.
I've longed for you.
I've dreamt of you.
I've fought for you.
I've fought you.
The last couple of years have been especially bittersweet.
I've made unpopular decisions and as a result lost friends and companions. I've been uninvited, watching on the outside. I've been alienated.
I'm not one for lying, and I won't start now... it hurt. It still hurts, worse than some of the more obvious devastating blows.
And to all of you involved, I truly hope it was worth it.
But, I will not allow the bitterness to swallow up the sweet.
Because there have been some rich times. Some sweet times.
I've been immersed and come up new.
I've been proposed to.
I gave birth to the sunshine of my world. The darling of my life. My firstborn. My sweet baby Ayla.
Thank you to everyone who has and continues to celebrate her with me.
For all of the beautiful things, I am grateful.
And life is beautiful.

And, now, it's time to leave you.
I'll leave behind the loneliness. The abandonment. The anger.
The shame.
I believed for so long that it belonged to me.
I believed it was me.
I believed I was worth that... I believe, I was wrong.
I'm sorry, if I've hurt you. Wounded you. Troubled you. Angered you.
I'm sorry for my part.
Like the feeling lost in text... all of the
M I S C O M M U N I C A T I O N .
forgive me.
and i, you.

some left scars and some left beautiful tattoos.
i'll always have them.
and they'll always remind me of you.

I'll take with me the good times. The lovely things. The sweet hours.
The hearts that have loved me in good times, in strange times, in the darkest hours. The ones who stayed when it was easy and stayed when it was hard. The ones who'd never say that it was hard, because I mean the world to them, and they mean the world to me. The ones who stayed awake. Porch hangs, dinner dates, roommate bonding times, walks in the park and photo shoots and coffee and breakfast - in the morning and in the middle of the night.
Thank you for the love that can't be stolen. For the friends who will always be thick as thieves. thank you for your kindnesses and for being my family, when my family was so far away.
Thank you for inviting me into your homes to take care of your children.
for making me part of your family.
Thank you for seeing me, and allowing me to see you.
Thank you for sharing your secrets and holding mine.
Thank you for knowing me and allowing me to know you.
My heart bursts when I think of you. You all know who you are.
I've got a suitcase crammed with songs that will always always always make me smile... and take me back to that day, that hour, that moment.  Another filled with all of the kind words and sweet things you've said or written that you probably don't remember saying, but I'll never ever forget.

I could say a hundred other things.
But, I'll leave it here.
Unpacking and packing.
And on that note,
I'll raise a toast
To new beginnings.
To shaking off the dust.
To leaving it behind...
To carrying your love with me.
To hope.
To redemption.
To loving well.
To being loved.
Onward and upward.
Here, here!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

induced coma. [come awake]

I was looking for a photo in the archives here, because I couldn't remember the name of an artist.
I found myself skimming less and less and falling into the rhythm of each post. Memories came back that I'd long forgotten, and I could vividly feel and smell each second moving in days I will never forget.

I was so alive then.

What's interesting, is that I know how very dead I felt in some of it. I sometimes felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, hanging on for dear life to some proverbial rope.  I felt everything so deeply, and allowed myself to feel it all. The good. The bad. The great. The small. I felt so insecure in my abilities, and I feel like I'm looking at the entries of a stranger... a stranger who amid all of the chaos, had such a deep profound confidence.

That girl back there was on fire. Wrestling. Questioning. Blossoming. Glowing. Screaming. Shouting. Flying. Climbing. Running.

I miss that girl.

That woman.

I can say a few things happened that hurt me; broke me in a very profound way.
I think for a while, I was in some sort of emotional induced coma, if you will, to protect my heart from further damage. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Ayla, and I think it had a reversed hormonal effect! Instead of the 'stereotypical emotional pregnant woman', I was rather calm. Placid. Very still. A new protective nature was awakened. I felt very much like a lioness, at times, but only in situations where I felt threatened.

Ayla will be 8 months old tomorrow.
I feel like it's been winter all of this time, and it's only just beginning to thaw.
Some of the wounds have healed, but some are still so tender, if not more so in the slow thaw.
Tears come slowly but surely like melting icicles.
Light is flooding everywhere.
There's that weird sensation of hot and cold from being covered in snow too long.
Blood is trickling... I think... and I can't find the source.

The thing is, I'm not dead.
I've just been sleeping for a very long time.
It may take me a little bit to find my sea legs, but I'll get there.
It's like riding a bike.
I feel it when my heart beats.
I'm coming 'round.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Ready or not. [here it comes]

Well, hello!
It's been far too long.
Probably some of the biggest news, is that I'm now part of the "mommy club". It's pretty fantastic. 
There's this delicious cool breeze outside... the cool of the night, as they say...
hinting that the dog days of summer are coming to a close.
Autumn is coming.
I couldn't be more excited about it!
And, we'll be leaving Nashville behind, and headed to a new home.
Hellos & Goodbyes.
Ready or not.