it's one of those days... i mean, it's not even 9am and it's one of those days.
the dogs wake you up to go out... but, at that certain point in the morning, where it's too early to be awake, but too late to fully go back to sleep. only for one of them to mess in the bathroom ANYWAY. it gets better for a bit, only to notice the other puppy has left a present for you by the front door. get coffee... delay. atrocious traffic - and the kind when you've used all your extra minutes to spare and are going to be right on time, but get caught behind those cars going 35 in a 65 and then 3 random people who want to turn left... but no one EVER turns left? AND takes up the entire turning lane... and so you miss the light which means you have to wait an extra 3 minutes just to get on the road where you need to get to work. you forget to call your boss when you arrive now ten minutes late, thus inadvertently putting her in a panic, because the other person isn't there either. unaware, you proceed to open, and then make a mad dash to the restroom before opening the doors, only to realise you have forgotten to unlock the bottom lock - meaning you are the only one there and now locked out. and you are let in by the grumpiest soul in the world. and part of you wants to set the record straight and ask their reasons for being so grumpy, because i'm pretty sure their dogs didn't wake them up early, their neighbors weren't playing elephant pre 6am, and they didn't have to clean up dog crap by the door on their way out among other things.
but it isn't about me. and i shrug my shoulders. take it on the chin and let it go.
in perspective, mornings like this are the kind you look back on and laugh... usually later in the afternoon. but when your heart is heavy, it's hard to get the giggles about the ridiculous.
but this morning, as i got out of my car, i noticed the low fuel light had just come on.
and because money has been so tight lately, it just feels like one.more.thing.
and it reminded me of how most things feel lately.
right now, i'm struggling with trust.
first of all, trusting God. and then trusting others.
because some people are being super careless with my heart and i'm having a super hard time with that.
i read this quote of mother theresa's on a friends blog that says -
"what we need is to love without getting tired"
i read this bit in 1 corinthians 13 that says -
"love puts up with anything"
and i'm reminded of how feeble my attempts at loving are. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because the fact is, the disregard for my feelings in matters are only helping my fears to look even more real.
i cannot communicate it.
i cannot change it.
i cannot fix it.
i am stuck.
put up with it or don't.
and neither of those options work for me.
i want to be strong and courageous. and carefree. and happy. and joyful.
so many possible changes are laying out in front of me. i am being reminded daily that the world is my oyster. and that's such a wonderful wonderful thing!
but i don't need a day of cheering - though that's nice.
i need healing for my heart. for my spirit. it's broken.
the little things feel extraordinarily huge.
i have a need and it's not being filled.
and the one who can fill it seems to say, 'wait'.
and in these times, that word seems like such a low blow.
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
i can't believe it's march already. spring is trying so very hard to push out winter... it will come eventually. just wait.
life feels like it's in a winter snap that just doesn't want to end, as well. as though the remnants of 2011 latched on to the baby's breath of 2012. and more still the way that the old familiar figure of depression has taken over my house. try as i might, i've been unsuccessful at sending him packing. so, i just sort of thought i could co-exist. and now the light in my eyes has been dimmed. the bright young thing nearly switched off. the creative thoughts replaced with a web of lies and a system of levers and pulleys keeping them in constant motion.
i've been miserable and on the brink of absolute madness.
i could feel my heartbeat slow...
i told him to leave
he told me no.
i'm not taking no for an answer this time.
so i called them all in
and they prayed over my broken body
knit it back together with psalms and hymns and encouraging songs...
they sang over me... just an echo, though. the most beautiful echoes...
i can feel the resistant cold fingers tightly wrapped around my heart
like my chest could cave under the pressure
and in these early days, there is nothing but questions.
and the paralyzing fear that the answers may never show.
but i know it's here.
the undeniable almost unnoticeable rebirth of hope.
so my mister and i hopped on a plane... into an upgraded rental car
rode some roller coasters at islands of adventure. (this one twice!) got soaked on the popeye ride... went to see some wrastlin and ended up on the 2nd row... and spent two sunny days at the beach. man, i needed that.