Friday, March 30, 2012

once upon a dream.

I dreamt I moved to Brooklyn.
I simply walked across the bridge.
i would just like to feel beautiful & adored.
like i'm one in a million.
full of bright hope.
for my mind not to contradict the knowledge of my heart...
so i can believe it for more than just a day at a time.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

just for a little while.

if i could just crawl under the cover of your arms
and watch the shadows pass over the wall
and be still
just for a little while
sun streaming in through the blinds
the way it lights your face
as if only for me
talking in hushed tones
all covered in smiles
like the sweetest tidal wave of joy
sweeping over us
just leaving a calm behind
just leaving a peace in its wake
just like the very first time we spoke those words out loud
and all of the angry currents were stilled
and the rising tides of doubt subsided
the winds of change only stir up excitement
the exhausting beat of my anxious heart is silenced in my chest
no constriction
nor the bray of lies
or ghosts of the past
just easy, steady rhythms
slowly rising
and falling
and we can breathe deep
contented and satisfied to just be
and i can hear those songs in my head again
quiet little melodies
orchestrated ebbs and flows
i swear, if you're still enough you can hear...
like love himself is singing over us
and i know the whole world is calling
for us to go and discover it
and we're on our way
we're right on time
not a moment too early
not a second too late
learning to savor it
learning to take it all in
the strength to keep running
the grace to begin again
and so, if it's alright
would it be ok?
if i could just crawl under the cover of your arms
and watch the shadows pass over the wall
and be still
just for a little while...

marché

it's all swaying like the trees
warm and alive
just reaching
and i wonder if you hear me
standing and waiting
the shuffle backward
would it awake you in the night?
or would you sleep through the alarms?
same old blood that i cannot...
i've tried
but, i cannot get out
it won't come out
without bleeding myself dry
and that thorn
its parasitic head buried just beneath
unknown, undetected in the back of my neck
a friend with misgivings
covered in misspellings
dressed in white
but inside...
nothing but squalor
but i... the "good gentle woman"
invited her into the parlor
forgive me
under my breath
praying for a murder
or painless escape
or something marvelous to spring up
because we're on the edge of something
like the atmosphere is groaning
like the very soil is in labor
ready for something beautiful to become of all of this
to be made of us.

Monday, March 19, 2012

i need you so much closer.

it all started when i ran out of melodies and harmonies. i ran out of ideas and chords. when everything inside needed to rush out and refused any constraint.
probably a hundred broken hallelujahs.
and then i just sang it out.
i have no idea what it sounded like.
i couldn't reproduce it, if i tried.
but it wasn't really about writing it down or something.
it was a spontaneous act.
worship.
and you.
i always forget just who you are.
and i looked down at my hands attempting to lift the whole world...
and i just let go.
i was angry.
i was getting so bitter.
i was hurt...
and i was ready to bolt.
and perhaps the answers were bigger than all this, in the end.
so i picked up a book, which proceeded to blow my mind.
because our love tanks are empty...
because there's a thousand changes on the horizon.
because i've been afraid.
because i forgot just who you are.
and so, it would seem that i am in love.
and you said, "it's not time for you to leave."
"it's time for me to show up."
"it's not time for you to go"
"just time to let go..."
love keeps no record of wrongs.
i had no idea how much energy it was taking to hang on to everything
gripping the world
holding myself together.
i let go, and i woke up exhausted.
but things are changing...
because you said so.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

pr(e)ides of march.

it's one of those days... i mean, it's not even 9am and it's one of those days.
the dogs wake you up to go out... but, at that certain point in the morning, where it's too early to be awake, but too late to fully go back to sleep. only for one of them to mess in the bathroom ANYWAY. it gets better for a bit, only to notice the other puppy has left a present for you by the front door. get coffee... delay. atrocious traffic - and the kind when you've used all your extra minutes to spare and are going to be right on time, but get caught behind those cars going 35 in a 65 and then 3 random people who want to turn left... but no one EVER turns left? AND takes up the entire turning lane... and so you miss the light which means you have to wait an extra 3 minutes just to get on the road where you need to get to work. you forget to call your boss when you arrive now ten minutes late, thus inadvertently putting her in a panic, because the other person isn't there either. unaware, you proceed to open, and then make a mad dash to the restroom before opening the doors, only to realise you have forgotten to unlock the bottom lock - meaning you are the only one there and now locked out. and you are let in by the grumpiest soul in the world. and part of you wants to set the record straight and ask their reasons for being so grumpy, because i'm pretty sure their dogs didn't wake them up early, their neighbors weren't playing elephant pre 6am, and they didn't have to clean up dog crap by the door on their way out among other things.

but it isn't about me. and i shrug my shoulders. take it on the chin and let it go.

in perspective, mornings like this are the kind you look back on and laugh... usually later in the afternoon. but when your heart is heavy, it's hard to get the giggles about the ridiculous.
but this morning, as i got out of my car, i noticed the low fuel light had just come on.
and because money has been so tight lately, it just feels like one.more.thing.
and it reminded me of how most things feel lately.
right now, i'm struggling with trust.
first of all, trusting God. and then trusting others.
because some people are being super careless with my heart and i'm having a super hard time with that.
i read this quote of mother theresa's on a friends blog that says -

"what we need is to love without getting tired"

i read this bit in 1 corinthians 13 that says -

"love puts up with anything"

and i'm reminded of how feeble my attempts at loving are. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because the fact is, the disregard for my feelings in matters are only helping my fears to look even more real.

i cannot communicate it.
i cannot change it.
i cannot fix it.
i am stuck.
put up with it or don't.
and neither of those options work for me.

i want to be strong and courageous. and carefree. and happy. and joyful.
so many possible changes are laying out in front of me. i am being reminded daily that the world is my oyster. and that's such a wonderful wonderful thing!
but i don't need a day of cheering - though that's nice.
i need healing for my heart. for my spirit. it's broken.
the little things feel extraordinarily huge.
i have a need and it's not being filled.
and the one who can fill it seems to say, 'wait'.
and in these times, that word seems like such a low blow.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

let's pretend.

let's pretend all the sound would stop for just a second.
that we could stand on the sidewalk hand in hand
and everything would start running backward
the whole world speeding past like a subway train
and we're on the platform
eyes close
eyes open
and all is new
there are no comparisons.
no questions.
i light up your face like a sunrise.
smiles and glittery eyes.
i'm the most beautiful girl in the world
your brown eyed girl
makes you use exclamation points
and talk incessantly
like a high that's good for you
i come alive like a flower unfolding
king by my side.
and all of the love notes
and kind words.
too much whiskey and wine leads to kisses
to be careless of how things sound
fear isn't around
isn't around to stir any pots.
there are no pots to be stirred
no secrets to be uncovered
nothing that would bring the stinging tears or wring my heart out.
your palette is full of the five senses
and you're constantly creating
and the words and melodies and harmonies
intertwining themselves with chords and keys
and i'll sing it out so you can hear me
because we're home.
because we're safe.
let's pretend it was all a bad dream.
kissed awake.
eyes open.
and all is new.

Friday, March 9, 2012

i can't believe it's march already. spring is trying so very hard to push out winter... it will come eventually. just wait.

life feels like it's in a winter snap that just doesn't want to end, as well. as though the remnants of 2011 latched on to the baby's breath of 2012. and more still the way that the old familiar figure of depression has taken over my house. try as i might, i've been unsuccessful at sending him packing. so, i just sort of thought i could co-exist. and now the light in my eyes has been dimmed. the bright young thing nearly switched off. the creative thoughts replaced with a web of lies and a system of levers and pulleys keeping them in constant motion.

i've been miserable and on the brink of absolute madness.
i could feel my heartbeat slow...
i told him to leave
he told me no.
i'm not taking no for an answer this time.
so i called them all in
and they prayed over my broken body
knit it back together with psalms and hymns and encouraging songs...
they sang over me... just an echo, though. the most beautiful echoes...
i can feel the resistant cold fingers tightly wrapped around my heart
like my chest could cave under the pressure
and in these early days, there is nothing but questions.
QUESTIONS.
QUESTIONS.
QUESTIONS.
and the paralyzing fear that the answers may never show.

but i know it's here.
the undeniable almost unnoticeable rebirth of hope.

restore.
let me unlearn the lies.
kick out fear.
send depression away.
they aren't mine.
return to sender.
lift my head.
restore me.
and let the adventure begin.

Monday, March 5, 2012

...

it feels like the flu,
but so much worse.
step outside and the warm is fake
step outside and the cold is harsh
mouth waters and i get the shakes
i hate when it feels like you're gone
golden rays filling up a blue sky
but it's all painted black without you by my side
you're the one i never wanted to miss
can't make it right and it's all gone wrong
i hate when it feels like you're gone
when your smile lights the room for all but me
when the touch of your hand is withheld
when i'm stuck in this place
and i cannot break free
and the depths of my love feels like hell
when i cannot explain what i honestly meant
when the words of my heart won't be heard
i cannot make it right and it all feels so wrong
i hate when it feels like you're gone.

Friday, March 2, 2012

adventure time!

so my mister and i hopped on a plane... into an upgraded rental car

rode some roller coasters at islands of adventure. (this one twice!)

got soaked on the popeye ride...

went to see some wrastlin and ended up on the 2nd row...

and spent two sunny days at the beach.

man, i needed that.