what are you doing new year's, new year's eve?

Give strong drink to him who is perishing,
And wine to those who are bitter of heart.
7 Let him drink and forget his poverty,
And remember his misery no more.

the bible is full of fun things. hmmm.

since i was a little girl, i'd get so so so excited about new year's eve! like, another christmas, but without presents. and sometimes you'd get lucky and there'd be some fun candy or something special. and besides you get to stay up past midnight! i mean, what?! but i remember my mom always feeling as though it was just another day. lots of people being like that, in fact. and i think it's the one time of year that my grandma is an idealist. so she'd get excited. i think mostly, because i was excited. i remember being in my adolescent years and spending it with my cousins in falls church, virginia at my great-grandparents house.... running around getting hot and sweaty (cos it was boiling in the house) and we were bundled up. and we'd watch mtv's nye countdown. and of course, i'd cross my fingers for an oasis video to make it. at which point i'd glue myself to the tv and watch it, as though i'd never seen it before and search for alan white's appearances and airdrum the rare solo... or raise my hands in the air to call for one moment of silence for all involved. hahahaha. i was a mess. i still am a mess.
i remember dreaming of the day i'd get kissed at 12.00. (still bloody waiting on that one...&%$#@!) haha.
i also remember another nye... when my then boyfriend stopped talking to me altogether. the eve of 2006, i believe. i remember him breaking up with me on the 1st of the year via email. it still hurts a bit, to revisit that.

and once again, rhythms of hopeful expectation have been overdubbed by the dreariness of disappointment. no more. no less.
i believe that nye is the time of year i should go away. turn off the clock. and sleep like rip van winkle. well, at least for a day.
i'm afraid the sparkle for new year's eve is officially gone. or perhaps i'm celebrating it on the wrong calendar. i think i just need to convert to judaism and screw the whole thing, after all.
or perhaps i should adjust an old passover adage for this occasion... next year in london.

calm down, dearest.

i think it's nice how difficult or annoying days have this way of redeeming themselves in the end.
and how i always panic about things beyond my control, just to see it all fall sweetly into place at the very last minute.

so many thoughts. perhaps i'll arrange them into a song. or story. or a photo. or a picture...
but, for now i'll let them dance a little more round my tired head.

nashville in 1.75 days. countdown the quarters.

the wheels on the train go round and round...

early i wake up.
maybe yes. maybe no.
to alarms of guilt for what?
i don't even seem to know.
pull me out from under here
if you can
leave me be.
i'm not good enough for you
i'm not good enough for me.
simple wish makes me swoon
makes me fly round the room.
makes me dream of you til noon.
makes me simply a baffoon.
a monsoon hits with confused bits of
who what where and why?
turn around and shut it out and run away
just to cry.
the push and pull. suspicious eyes.
the lack of trust. the long goodbyes.
the picture that just won't come out.
the things i've learned to do without.
i'm wreckless now.
i'd take you now.
i'll settle for your incomplete.
i'm restless now.
i'll show you how.
i'll love you but i won't compete.
not for you or he nor she.
nor any collective units of we.
nor me.
late i fall in bed.
with chaos raging round my head.
keep rehearsing what we've said.
just to wake and find it dead.

i like you when the strings come in...

i like today. i like being with family and not having someplace to rush off to.  i love all of it. and i like that i've spent the majority of my afternoon talking with my new friend chad. everyone is still playing with all their new toys... something i doubt you ever grow out of.  also, the lemony snicket holiday books are grand. 

this has been a wonderful christmas. and it's only 430 in the afternoon.

happy birthday to tom.

happy birthday to you.

silent night...

i need that christmas feeling.
i need a festival of lights.
i miss some faces.
trips to new york & la & seattle & nashville need to happen.
and i mean, jack-be-quick!
'supersonic' could be my anthem for 2009. because, well just because.
my mom went with me to see oasis & ryan adams & matt costa, saturday night.
i had such an amazing time. that's putting it very mildly.
and i got a shirt.
i'm a fan. so?
also. currently reading...

currently writing...
my mind is a parade of thoughts. the usual streets blocked off... and i'm gazing upward. watching the shapes change and move through the sky. learning to use these numbers i forfeited. learning to make them sing for me. and so, they said, it comes in threes. wait. wait. wait. is someone waiting on me?
and while i'm sipping my complimentary beverage, tell me if you think about me... if i pass through your mind, at least, in those sentimental ways? do you? or do you. i second guess myself. expecting the negative when elation waits to greet me with a kiss each morning. i should be less quick to dismiss it and keep my hope at bay. jumping from page to page. attempting to read the ending of the book before it's even properly begun. but i still wonder. i like when my phone rings and it's you... i like seeing your name. i like when you're talking to me. admittedly selfish when it comes to these things. and fast as you can, her voice makes me remember where i am. the time, forgotten, i was looking at your face...then i blink. i remember. places to be. equations to solve. checks and balances and write, copy and save! oh how desperately they believe you. i wish, i was better at trusting. but those talented voice-throwers have fooled my perfect pitch. i keep thinking it's you letting me down. i keep thinking it's you behind the fist of reality's unexpected blows. and it isn't... you've turned the bright lights back on. but slow, so my eyes open slow and my head stops aching... but dreaming again, the shadows flicker out of control throwing my vision off... i stop for a moment to call. no answer. eventually they'll send the sweetest response. wait. wait. wait.
they've taken my heart and run away with it and planted it. and the bud opens, ever so softly in greenwich meantime english sunshine. they wait for me to come back and get it. how long will they wait? but in the meantime, my friends come and go. fade in and fade out. i grasp for the few minutes of conversation. of promised meetings. of promised calls. of promises promises...pre-occupied meanderings of wishful thinking. it's a kind gesture, really. it's the thought that counts. but some days you want to reach out your hand and touch more than a delicate mist. cheek to cheek to empty space. i wish they were around. and i'm sure i am unmissed. snapped back to attention by the old telephone ring. fumbling around. i knew it would be you. and my smile is unstoppable. anyone within miles can catch the contageous laughter in our voices. once again the stars of perspective captivating my wandering attention. hope rises, fear is in retrograde and i'm in full bloom before you. all these cares have gone. i'm happy. and i'm home.

hold your head up you silly girl.

let's catch up. in using images. in random order.
i got sweets...

tom.

the wonders i spent most of my week with...
justin, ash & paul....

making faces.

at the gig...

andrew.

pub.

hey girl hey! whaaaaat?!

fading into the scenery.

getting slimed by the young johnny rotten. er clint.

danny fox & lou - professional dollbaby

gemma & elena

the kitchen/rec room of rak studios...just outside my room.

gemma's sneaky photo work...me, updating you.

masterclass.

CHIPS!

on the tube.

andrew.

i'm trying to capture you.

lucky kisses.

the red...

cuddle and christmas lights.

sleepy boy & girl.

so, just take me home.

today, i heard a guy say, and ever so seriously, "yeah, i'm single. single as a dolla bill!"
only in america.

i woke up on a bench on shepherds bush green with a candle at my chest and a head on his knee.

so let's rewind to wednesday...

• had to be at king's cross by 8.30 to pick up the keyboard
• went to camden to drink some coffee. the barista was nice. and even came over to my table to pick up my trash. though, he didn't go to anyone else's table. hmm.
• headed to the studio to write and things.
• practised for the gig on a 1973 original Yamaha Grand Piano that had been played by Elton John, Led Zeppelin, and Muse... just to name a couple of names...
• found myself in the back of a mercedes driven by a man in a suit, headed to shepherds bush green, and all i could think of was laura marling's 'night terror'
• clive & i went for some yummy italian food.
• lots of people came that made me very very happy.
• tom did not come, cos he was working. =(
• but a certain mister from EMI did come. and i got nervous.
• but more people i love put my mind at ease, and i slipped away into the music and really really really enjoyed every second.
• my friends are rowdy... and can't be in places where they're supposed to sit and be quiet for long periods of time. they usually escape to the back and start laughing and talking. hehehe
• clive drove me back to st. john's wood...where i found out someone had locked the studio door by mistake, therefore the code to the door wouldn't work. and i got locked out.
• ash called a cab, which took me to his place, where his lovely wife had set out pajamas, toiletries and had a comfy bed made up.

thursday -

• watched E4 & had some breakfast.
• car-ride to the studio...feeling nauseated. but enjoying conversation with ash & lucy.
• got in the front seat when lucy got to the station... still feeling nauseous.
• arrived at st. john's wood so i could change clothes... still nauseous.
• opened the door to my room, and was unbearably sick...ran ... threw up.
• no longer nauseous, and feeling much better, i changed and went to the studio.
• we recorded the aforementioned song in the previous post, and i cried.
• we started writing a really fun tune...
• then, we (ash, justin & i) went and got some super yummy food at the pub.
• i found myself in a bmw headed to the lock tavern. (what can i say? i got lucky with the taxis!) to meet clive.
• listened to this guy dan smith, greg manages, and finally met greg's lovely girlfriend, alice.
• got my painting from danny! yaaaay!
• elena hunted us down.
• we hunted down a cab...and parted ways.
• i got back to the room...and felt sad. so i talked to sleepy tom, and clive.
• i wanted to cry, but i slept instead. (hmm. i should use that in a song)

friday.

• got a taxi at 7.30 - paddington - train - heathrow - tram - terminal 5
• long flight. 3 films later... i landed.

saturday -
i slept nearly 12 hours last night.
i've got a blister on my foot, and i've lost about 7 pounds, apparently.
i'm dreading monday. and, i'm scared that everything wonderful that just happened will stop. that the heads my songs are stuck in will soon forget me. that the hearts i dote upon will not wait. that my name pencilled in will be erased. that i'll be stuck within the 4 walls of mediocrity at a desk selling people things they have to have. that i am a jane austin who writes and dreams of the things that won't actually happen to me.
that i'll be out of sight, out of mind.

i would just like for things to be different this time.

these boots are made for walkin' and that's just what they'll do...

i woke up this morning to the sound of what i thought was a hailstorm. i leapt out of bed, and looked out the window to find not a winter storm, but horses, at least a dozen trotting down the street! 

topshop. + h&m.+ faith shoes. - christmas shopping crowds. = success.

i hailed a cab on oxford street, and put on my new boots in the back. along with my jacket. and i'm gloriously toasty. =)

back in the studio, after a management meeting. writing writing writing. recording recording recording. and getting butterflies about tomorrow's gig. 

the song we're working on right now, can be taken many ways...but, paul is specifically writing it about his dad who has lung cancer, and has just been given two weeks to live.  i, having been there, myself, am revisiting my grandad in this writing process. the song is so hauntingly beautiful and just...gorgeous. i want to start crying. i think we all do.

it reminds us all why we do this. why it's all important. 

more soon... hopefully including photos.

i've been a busy busy bee. 

buzz buzz buzz.

lock yourself indoors and plan a getaway...

today was such a good sunday. good and long and full:

• went to spitalfields market with gemma (fun. but so crowded.)
• had a really tasty almond croissant!
• a random band was covering katy perry. hmm.
• tried on some burberry & chanel boots.
• still haven't gotten the december british vogue. oh, but i have january now, thanks.
• met up with danny in camden.
• couldn't find the place, so i walked from camden town station to chalk farm station and back.
• ate 1 random sandwich from tescos express while watching the antique road show. hahaha
• made the acquaintence of one of the st. john's wood station workers. she's so great!
• went to liverpool st. (for the 2nd time today)
• was stalked outside by a creepy little man trying to chat me up by saying i sound like britney spears when i talk, and giving me pointers on places to go.
• arran rescued me. and took me to a pub to meet some friends.
• then we went to a gig, where he was playing with some more friends.
• at which point i developed a massive crush on a band called the onlookers.
• was stalked by a second random man who also sabbotaged the stage on the last song with his singing techniques. ahem.
• had a very long talk with jonny about all kinds of things including space blankets. which work.
• faced my fear of riding the bus...with arran escorting me to the right one. i took it to my destination... knew precisely where the taxi stand was, and got the cab the rest of the way. i am pleased with myself.
• it's 915 body clock time. but it's 2.15 greenwich mean time. which means, i need to sleep.
• i'm hungry like a wolf, cold, and i'm in dire need of a full body massage.

gemma and some others have said the phrase, "you belong here!" and everyone asks me if i live here because of my weird sense of ease with everything.
i want to call this home. after home, obviously, you know what i mean.
hopin and prayin and wishin... please oh please.

just trying to shake you off...

i am crazy and most definitely needed to calm down.
so, i went from being really unsure of where i was staying/commuting to hertford...
and now, i'm sitting cozy in 'my flat' for the week. all to myself. =)
well, gemma's here tonight. which is absolutely perfect.

i arrived, met a cartoonish little bumbling lady with squinty eyes and a bright smile with paddington bear on her sweater, and then had the best cab driver i've ever ever had when i left paddington station. he told me all sorts of little anecdotes about musicians and things. (like pointing out the street where jimmy hendrix lived/died). when we arrived at canalot studios, the driver then, asked where he could get my music, got out and opened my door, and helped me with my bags...then left only when completely sure that i was alright and headed to the right place. i was. ash led me through a tiny blue door beneath some massive iron dragons, was introduced to justin and paul and within 2 hours of being in the country, i starting recording and working on a new song. a bit later there we were sidetracked by a beautiful rainbow on one side of the sky while there was a gorgeous sunset over london on the other side.
after working on tunes most of the day, i went to meet clive & jim at a pub. we then had the saltiest bacon & cheese thing ever...and went to this crazy club. i think we spent the majority of the time checking bags in and out of the coat-check. from there we got the train back to hertford, and we met the second loveliest cab-driver. like a sweet little 'gran'. she was absolutely lovely. she turned to me and said, "are you warm enough little one?" ...i melted. met clive's house-mate, chris and sister, claire...who are amazing. chris is hilarious. and claire is just the loveliest person...and so incredibly gorgeous, it's overwhelming. we had some wine, and laughed until we were all literally in tears at a flight of the conchords stand-up show. i finally fell asleep a little after midnight. =)
drove into town today, and tried to find my coveted boots on oxford street. aka. hades.
yes.
i said it.
it was christmas shopping day, apparently. and a saturday. the roads were even blocked off. it was out of control.
went to the studio to meet ash and got the key to the flat...(which i'm staying in for free. i mean, what?!) met up with gemma and friends...tom came out (yay!)...and then gemma and i headed to the grotbags christmas party. there was a massive line outside, but we sauntered up to the front and got in 'on the guestlist' which we weren't. but we got in for the discounted rate and walked right in. hehehe thanks to lou's trickery. found danny & lou and we danced to mariah carey and other such things. then, heard this band called exlovers. refreshingly good.
so on the last song, some people went mental dancing around and falling out on the floor. this jamaican security guy gave the 'boy' involved a little talking to, i guess. i know he was jamaican because after that, he then proceeded to come over to me and try to chat me up. it was so skanky and hilarious. i was like, 'ummmm. i'll be back!' and went far far away.
we walked from tottenham court road and made it to oxford street before we found a taxi. gemma and i held onto each other and shivered back to the flat...as i'd forgotten the street name AND the name of the studio. ugh. what good am i?! showered and snuggled down in bed where i'm writing you now.
and now for the photofun...(i'll take more)
sunsets...

tom...

lucky... saved from the arcade.

paparazzi in training....

a vacuum/hoover playing a saxophone

ladbrook grove station. (location of kate moss' rimmel ad. yep.)

tomorrow is sunday...goodnight.

you look so tired happy...

i'm sitting in the airport. flight has been delayed. and i'm oh so very sleepy. and filled with worry and anxious thoughts... silly girl.
but.

'when anxiety is great within me, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer'

tick.tock.tick.tock

a thimble full of whiskey and i'll be as right as rain.

(i dont even drink whiskey. just like the line.)



this morning wasn't so good. but it would be dull to expound on that fact. so i'll tell you how much i enjoyed this little boy who had bright eyes and a smile that i couldn't resist. i'd hold him and whisper in his ear and he'd laugh every time...but come closer for more. and there was a little girl not feeling so very well. but after i rocked her to sleep and she had a good nap, she was a glorious sight to behold. we played all sorts of games. and then she and her older brother (who was probably 2) played this little game making the 'stereotypical-i'm-an-indian' sound back and forth. it was pretty much amazing.
i miss jordan and aaron.
i want a boy and girl.
someday. farther away.

countdown. 2.5 days?!
gah!
after a couple of conversations with clive, i fully realise that i need to calm down.

p.s.
has anyone else noticed how incredibly weird people are? not bad, necessarily. not good, obviously. just weird. hmm.