Saturday, June 27, 2009

'It’s hot,'
I thought,
It’s warmer than love is supposed to be.

whatever that means
on that sort of night where you wait for some sleep
Distracted by thoughts and whispering fans

and the empty feel in the palm of your hand
And shadows made by all those trees
stretching and swaying without the breeze
And all of the places you’ve been. When you fled…
All the words, all the red…
“Forget him,” you said.
What do you know of all of these bright sweet things.
These dark things, I imagine come easily.
But remember, I’ve warned you…

I’ve just left that place
No fiddle to be played
No fool to be made.
We all know better, don’t we?
We choose to forget.
“Then sleep now, darling”,“Forget him” you said.
Such force. So easy.
Just move through me quickly
Aid in substitution
I make amends to my constitution.
Make exceptions for you to bring in
A brand new solution
Do you note my sideways glances?
When I offer more chances
Comical how they wander through
Deeper lines
No catch. No bruise.
No overuse or even slight abuse.
Yet not the same as me or you.
My trust waned thin
Like a crescent moon
The lesser light cracked the black
And came through the window
Where down below,
I lay on my back
In the room where steam engines
Just skip track to track
I could hear a song that reminds me again
My courage waxed. Now, thin
Like the sheet I’m in
You can give it, You move to
But, I’m still unfed
So alone next to you
On an unmade bed
And you feel the withdraw
Try to cradle my head
beg my untrusting heart
To just once let you in
You will fall, you admit
But you’ll stay.
Not like them
Breathe in deep to pretend
To be sleeping instead
And you whispered it over

and over again
"Then sleep now, my darling,
Forget him,” you said.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

you are so good to me...

I recognize that I am a girl who loves hard, and am fiercely loyal. This is a wonderful attribute, I think. However, there’s an element to all of this, I have conveniently been able to overlook. I’m also incredibly stubborn... obstinate as a mule. There I admitted it. But, it tends to be in ways that aren’t necessarily quite so overtly obvious. Somewhere between the beginning of middle school and the end of high school, I had all of my confidence stolen. I entered this wasteland of self-loathing… which led to dumb decisions, impractical relationships, compromising situations, heartache after heartache, eating disorders, and the slow wane of trust… etc. etc. etc. all in some strange attempt to get it back. But, instead of the real thing, I kept chasing after superficial feelings that would simply mask the issue, rather than getting to the root of the problem and get healed up. Throughout all of this, however I have been blessed beyond all measures of reason to have people in my life who have been bent on encouraging me. They incessantly remind me of who I am, even when I don’t believe them. They love me through all of my doubts, one day at a time. It’s something quite spectacular, actually. But I’m so stubborn, I clenched with all of my might to that insecurity. Silly girl.

I never thought in a hundred years I’d say this… But I’m thankful for this crappy horribly low time.

I have questioned everything. Lost hope in so much. Hit a bottom I didn’t realize existed…
All to have everything restored.
And, although the specific situation that served as the catalyst to shove me over the proverbial edge, ended up working out… (Which I am absolutely overjoyed about. Please, don’t think I’m shrugging that off), this “epiphany” if you will, came yesterday before all the happy came. An accumulation of thoughts and words said over the last few weeks. Years, even. I heard it one more time. It hit like a dagger in my heart, that I am such a treasure. That I’m a beautiful creation. I’m not perfect. But it’s ok! In fact, it’s part of the beauty of it all. And all of this is absolutely true, whether I’m being told that or not. Whether I’m treated like it or not. Whether I believe it or not. Whether I see it or not. Whether I'm wearing a size 14 or a size 7. Whether a situation works out in my favour or not. Even when I am rejected. To know that I’m deeply loved in SPITE of and regardless of what is happening around me. And nothing can change that.
I’m so thankful for the ‘wall of arms’ that have utterly encompassed me through all of this. The voices that sang those words loudest to the voices that went silent, and gave me their presence and their ear and their arms. It took a walk through a dark valley to realize that my family and friends have been speaking truth to me all along. (duh, nitasha.) In fact, some of them refused to let go of me until I could catch a glimpse of it. Too long I have carried around this ridiculous self-hatred. Like silver in a refining fire, it all had to come melting down… all of the crap burned out… so I could begin to be shaped again and begin to understand. All that has been lost, has been restored. I can only see a little glimpse of it, yet. But I’m sure the rest is coming... That’s hope talking. Shouting even! =) I am a work in progress, but I am wonderfully made. The timing is perfect, even when I don’t think so. Man.

You don’t often walk uphill to find water. You go down to the river, to the sea, to the ocean. The mountaintop isn’t teeming with life. The valley is where life flourishes.
sort of like the often quoted psalm 23...

"God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side.Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. "

And driving back from New York City on Sunday, something broke… the tears flowed, but somehow they weren’t the same.
And so, I’m thankful. Deeply. For all of this.
And for you…
And that’s the joie de vivre, isn’t it?

Monday, June 22, 2009

trying to repair it any way you can...

starting to see things
like blood on the tissue
a shadow that walked past
and all this hair falling out, too
like petals on a wedding day
but there's no celebration
and nothing i find to say
can bring me your redemption
secrets...i hold them in
i got a favourite distraction
take a number and tell the judge of your dissatisfaction
a cause leads to fraction
or just over-reaction?
now, a desire fills each frame
but it still isn't your name
and it's just not quite the same
i stood. i took all the blame.
i wrestle the deepest seas
combat the lies to be freed
but they keep on singing to me
in such significant keys
sarcasm holds back the sun
from dawning hope in my lungs
i'm too rebellious to part
but i can't find where to start.

Friday, June 19, 2009

and as it fell from the sky i asked myself why can i never let anyone in?

I have never before been in a place where I have questioned so much.
I have never before had so much mistrust. Ever doubtful. Ever suspicious.
I trust no one.I’ve always been this wide-eyed girl full of wonder and hope. Always trying to be better at loving. Always trying to be better at seeing the best in people. Brimming with hope. Ready to begin again. I’ve lost it. Or misplaced it, as someone suggested. However, I really do want to find it again. I’ve never felt so strange. It’s neither hot or cold. Just numb. Just a dormant place where something fantastic is buried...but now sleeping. And, every so often a rage comes flying out… and every so often sorrow comes flooding…

This isn’t the result of one or two current situations. This isn’t simply a bout with PMS. This is a cumulative response to one too many hits and bruises and knocks and breaks and falls and f* ups. And I totally get, that on the adventure of life, this is how it goes. There are stories some of you know about. There are stories none of you ever will. I don’t feel the world owes me anything. I don’t have a chip on my shoulder or stay in the defensive stance. I’m enough of a realist to recognize this is temporary. I also recognize that more heartache, blood, sweat, tears and mistakes will happen in the years ahead of me. However, something has snapped. Something is shutting down. Something has gone dreadfully amiss in me. No matter how much you forgive and choose to forget and all of these wonderful things. We all have a breaking point, and I have reached mine. That’s all there is to that.

In the midst of all of this, there are some wonderful people who are bent on loving me through. They aren’t afraid of my crying. They aren’t shocked when I start swearing like a Guy Ritchie script. They hold me when I’m shaking. They take the blows when I’m swinging. They aren’t afraid of my darkness. And there are some wonderful people who sit me down and remind me what I mean to them. They tell me I’m beautiful. They let me know I matter. I wish I could explain how that overwhelms me with peace…
I wish I could explain what a soft shock that is to my system.
But then, the fact that it is a shock at all causes me to get angry beyond words. Why is it shocking to know I’m loved and loved deeply? I’m not a horrible person. But that’s not what I have been believing about myself for years. And I’m real real real tired of beating myself up for being a flawed human. For not measuring up. For not being good enough.And, who the hell are these people I’ve rolled out the red carpet for in my life, to the doors of my heart… who I allow to make me feel like I’m utterly worthless and useless. I’m sick and tired of being used. Of being made to feel like a fool or a disloyal whore when I’m not. (“They get what they want and they never want it again.”) Again... I’m not perfect…and I recognize I try way too hard to be. I do care what you think. The closer you are to me, the more your opinion matters. I’m a girl who needs words of affirmation. And so, words, for me, carry the most weight. However, I know I love hard. I know I love beyond my means, sometimes. I try to be the best I can to everyone I care about. But it’s like, I give my best, and pour myself out all over the place in friendships, relationships, romantic sorts of things, music, work, etc. etc. etc. because I want to. But the question I’m struggling with isn’t “when will I be compensated for my giving?” My question is, why isn’t that enough? Why is my best not good enough? Why do I continually get put aside, taken advantage of and kicked to the curb? I feel like if you act a certain way, you get certain things back. But the rules of ‘karma’ do not apply. I offer buckets of grace and forgiveness, and when I need grace or mercy or forgiveness or whatever, it isn’t available. “I am too much or not enough”

Which brings me back to the key point…
Is it ever gonna be enough?

I’m tired. I’ve snapped. And I apologize right now if I become distant or a little less thoughtful or a little more emotional or a little less patient or a little more blunt… I’m sorry. I’m just trying to work through this one day at a time. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I love you, so. I’m just trying to sort this out.

One more time… thanks to those of you who are a wall of arms around me. You know who you are. =)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

help, i'm alive.

i'd like to know why salted-caramel hot chocolate makes my heart race. i mean, there isn't espresso in it. weird.
i'm over this season. this season in my life right now.
-physical ailments.
-silent treatments.
-dr. jekyll and mr. hyde.
-enough is enough. i'm tired of caring. now, don't get me wrong. i'm not tired of anyone, persay. i'm just tired of caring all the time. of my very best not being good enough. i feel like i'm the punchline for this on-going joke of the universe.
-best of all, i'm tired.

however, i had a wonderful weekend, and perhaps i'll talk about it later.
in the meantime, it seems i'm trying to run away from everything. it really isn't working. but i'm doing a super job of trying, i think.

plan: crawl into bed and laugh til i cry to family guy. then sleep.
wake me up when this is over.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

bombay bicycle club.

by fendi.
right so, can i have one?
k, great thanks.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

and so it is...

i'm homesick.


there's gotta be a high high
to match this low low
thought it was the bottom
but there was a whole world below
the feeling when you can't calm down
and you're running very late
but maybe my watch is off
and it's all ok

but i can't suspect
can't suspect the good is here
i'm too busy now
busy holding all this fear
so tell me, now
say that if i seek i'll find
tell me that it's real this time
and i'll leave this carousel behind

there's gotta be a high high
taking out these low lows
waiting for the sun to rise
but the morning would not disclose
any new peace of mind
to soothe mmy aching head
but hope is rising in the sky
i'm not giving up quite yet

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

i believe...

i could be violently ill at any given moment.

Monday, June 8, 2009

scribbled sometime this morning, the 8th of june...

Wanted to bring you laughter
I tried to bring the sun
To the east side of the city
Because you wanted some
Wanted to bring you comfort
Yeah, you can hold so tight
You could wake me in the dead of night
Anytime you like

But I let you down.

Wanted to stop the spinning
So, I kissed your livid skin
I tried to ease your aching bones
So you could just breathe in
And I would cross the ocean
Pull invisible strings
To say a hundred ‘I’m sorrys’
And show you all it means

But I let you down…

Where’s the fire escape
Crawling on the floor
Don’t stay gone
Oh, honey don’t be sore
To the fire escape
I’m cryin on the floor
Smoke signals rise
It’s you I’m burning for
It’s you I’m burning for

But I let you down.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

i only have eyes for you.

  • my grandma thought i'd turned to the bottle. actually, i'd been with my second mom crying and praying. wasn't there a story about such things?
  • my fortune cookie said: fear knocks at the door. faith answers. and no one is there.
  • i cried because of a fortune cookie.
  • i do, in fact, have some of the best friends on this planet. and most of them reside in london. now, let's get me a job so i can go home.
  • "yes bruv" needs to be part of my everyday vocabulary.
  • apparently i should write a song. you know, because, that's what matters in the end. that i write another sad, moving song to make the whole world cry with me. ah well. it's bound to happen soon enough. you'll all know when it happens.
  • apparently it's time for boys to put some smooth moves on my heart cos i'm all vulnerable and things. newsflash - bite me. you're making me gag. all of you.
  • i purchased cage the elephant, an oasis album i never got around to buying, and an old jay-z record i've been meaning to buy for like 8 years.
  • peter is home from iraq for 2 weeks, and if i see him, i may explode with happiness.
  • i thought the dog days were over... *sigh* when will i ever learn?

the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did.

Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cool the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, “Don’t you do what you’ve wanted to. Yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof.”

i realised i actually had a dream about all of this. that i would have great anxiety about something. that it looked far worse than it was in reality. but, that my worries about all of these things would be swept away. i hope it turns out to be true. because i'm ever so weary of all of this. i'm not good at this at all. i'm trying. but i'm so tired of trying. oh, please let all this get better soon.

Friday, June 5, 2009

this is not the time or place...

for missing the feeling of being held tight in your arms. of being close. you being near. of sleeping in. your sitting next to me. how 'bout i win the lottery, or even work lots of overtime and i surprise you with a trip to tokyo? you need one. keep your miles, boy.
what was it we were watching that sunny morning? one of those antique show things. C means it was made in 1927. or was it 28? so what did they do before that? how do they know all these things? and by the way, i like your tea. and you've got mad frozen pizza skills. hahaha. the wine went to my head, but it was nice. i'm sorry i wasn't as hungry as i thought i was. i was jet-lagged and really just wanted to skip straight to dessert. not the chocolate cake i was planning on getting for you. your kisses completely spoil the appetite. i miss those too. and how i anticipated your beard to scratch. but it was soft, actually. and careless. and not trying so hard like the boys in fleet foxes. and then there's that feeling that came over me, that i failed to mention. the "oh-please-i-hope-he-holds-on-tight-i'm-going-to-fall-over" kinda feeling. and i found myself thinking things like
"oh girl, don't forget to breathe..."
so i'd inhale slow. and my lungs become full of chanel allure from the bottle with the black top... the way you wear it so it's really all your own somehow. whatever the case, it's not helping my ability to focus or stand up straight. i'm bambi on ice and how embarrassing, there's no wine to blame. just you. though i'm not sure you mind. so i close my eyes for a second and your voice drifts through...pause. still. your hands steady my curious face to return to that light. and your camera lense eyes captured me with a silent click. i love the way you see me. you always make me feel beautiful. in any light...
but now they're off. all the lights are off. they come on everytime your name shows up. it doesn't. everything's heavy and bleary and...
i promise i don't mind missing you because we do what we do til next time.
but my chest is gripped by icy fear that there won't be a next time. it screams obscenities at my sorry replaceable face now covered in tears of remorse. "i just keep sayin sorry, the room spinnin' and starry"
i never wanted to miss YOU like this.
even music seems tasteless.
or maybe it's all a mistake...maybe i'm being ridiculous?
i'm sorry. i'll wait...
it's all my fault and this...
this is not the time or place.

"Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cool the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, “Don’t you do what you’ve wanted to. Yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof.” -bright eyes.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i hit a new kind of low.

symptoms? i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling sick. i can't stop panicking.
all because i chose not to think something through clearly...
all because i didn't listen...
a little thing.
and i've screwed someone over royally.
and not just anyone, but someone i care about more than i've been able to admit.
someone i'm falling for. there. i've said it.
and now, i've made such a costly stupid mistake.
and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

but i'm sorry.

what a horribly empty set of words.
and then there's the whole thing about how...
i had one sliver of trust left.
one sliver of hope.
it's broken.
well, i hope you're right.
in the meantime, i'm taking leave of all this til i can figure out how to not suck at being a human being.

Monday, June 1, 2009

can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?

Everyone talks about the way a woman seems to glow when she’s in love. Something begins to bloom. Something about her is so alive. Just like a flower unveiling its beauty in the sunlight, something is also so very much at rest. There is no striving, though the clouds may come. It just is. Beautiful…and becoming. On display… inviting. Filling the air with fragrance. Just being all it was created to be. And there’s something so very good and sweet about the simplicity of all that.

This is how I feel in London.
It’s not that conditions become perfect and everything is ideal because I’m suddenly some sort of test-tube flower under UV lamps. Something in me calms down. Something stops striving. Something feels a little more adventurous. A little more at peace. In spite of the fears that run around like fixed horses on a merry-go-round. All of my dreams are at my fingertips. Every morning I wake up I can taste them and smell them and feel them getting closer and closer. There's an overwhelming security of the love of my family and close friends from home. And my little trembling heart is absolutely overwhelmed by the love of friends all around me.

Some people are meant to be doctors or lawyers or painters or teachers or whatever... All i want in the whole world is just to be able to create...specifically music, at the moment. But, to be able to live to do what I was meant to do. I want to love my friends and family. And learn to love them better every single day. And learn to be loved when that gets harder to accept and trust every day. And perhaps someday a certain mister to take his heart and put it next to mine, and renovate some walls to make one big house for the two of us to share...

having said all of this, i had a wonderful time.
but mostly i can't wait to call london home.