i found some old entries from twenty-ten.
it's so remarkable to me...
i understand that hindsight is 20/20. but i was so passionate. so alive. so very confused. but i'd rather that state of confusion than the one i'm in at present.
there was a man in my world at the time who doted on me like none has.
i found it too good to be true and i ran from his advances.
tried to anyway.
looking back, i see that i blossomed in them. i bloomed. i came even more alive. i missed him until i ached. i spoke of him whenever i had the chance, and my face glowed and cheeks blushed when i thought of him.
he may very well have been a charlatan.
he may very well still be.
but i was, for a few very real moments falling in love with him.
d i s t a n c e .
i wrote so many songs.
putting up a fight.
he spoke to me in ways i'd never been talked to.
he chased after my heart.
he was the first thought in the morning.
my last thought at night.
and i eagerly awaited his calls and messages.
they went both ways.
i wasn't pursuing.
for once in my life, it wasn't all me.
how lovely life can be when it is two instead of one.
all i have now are these snapshots.
and i compare and contrast.
and it all seems so very silly, in the end.
i have no idea how i got here.
in the middle of winter... in a thick forest full of trees.
it feels endless on all sides.
and i just want a hope for the future.
and to be adored here.
to have a joy here.
oh God in heaven, what on earth has happened here?