Tuesday, September 25, 2012

They all move in the same way. Back straight, long easy strides. He wears a smart looking suit, but not in black to keep it casual. He stands to take inventory of an area of construction, and effortlessly moves his open jacket away, revealing a perfectly tucked dress shirt - hand placed on the hip. It reminds me of faculty members from my school growing up.

Boredom allows the mind to wander a bit, and think of things you wouldn't normally. I get kind of frustrated by moments like these, because most often, there's so much that needs to be checked off my "to-do list" and the present situation limits me from doing any of it. I am confined to work, or waiting on this or that... and my anxiety grows with my list of unticked boxes.

I am most definitely in one of life's waiting rooms right now. The kind without many interesting magazines, sketchy service on your phone, mind numbing info-mercials on the tv (if there is one) and no books whatsoever in which to dive. No paper, no distractions, just you and that "calming" color of paint on the walls and time ticking slowly. There is something to be learned in it, for sure... and I intend to soak it up as fully as possible. I also know that on the other side of this waiting room, some wonderful things are processing. Like a good home-cooked meal, it's just gonna take some time.

However, living in the tension... it's tedious as hell and there's nothing but temptation on all sides to give up. There is some sort of perseverance mantra ringing in my ears, and I'm going into some sort of trance, at this point. I will be honest here, and say that I'm tired of having a sore throat... and talking over enlarged tonsils. Yes, I do still have them. I'm tired of shouldering the responsibilities of others... of hearing the engine in my heart revved up to redline... of loving between a rock and a hard place. I'm weary of holding my tongue. I am weary of my love being taken advantage of. I'm tired of my energy level being on empty constantly. All I want is a couple of days to meet with friends and have coffee, eat good food, drink red wine... smart conversations and all that... laugh til my face hurts. Go on an adventure with my partner in crime... and maybe a little romance? Oh and a walk and cuddle with muh babes (dogs. )

I love those weeks when about 5 new albums come into your life and you cannot stop listening to them. Cannot. STOP. But it's the little bit of a comedown that stinks, right after you've learned them.
Boredom wanders in... and... you start noticing that those men in suits often move the same way.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

prelude to the falling.

It's coming. But, it's taking it sweet time. Sleeves start traveling slowly down our arms. The material thickens. Wardrobes changing like the leaves on the trees. The blue of the sky wanes to a delicious vanilla. An extra hour added to the day to become enamored with the earthy tones and the dried fragrances. Naturally, we pull close together. And if you're alone, it's the loneliest you'll feel. This year, my favourite season will bring along with it a new space... a new invitation for me to make a little house a home. And perhaps soon some brave heart will also make itself at home next to mine. And we'll glow like embers in the fireplace I've always wanted...
My heart is unraveled. Fingers stretched out with palms upward. The object of my affection released. The love pulsing just as hard to an empty space in my soul. Clinging to a promise that it isn't wasted. And so I wait... this is when your love is put on display.
this is where it all gets beautiful.
it's about to be so good.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

the fifth.

fall in through the ceiling
search the rooms for meaning
when the rain has made no sound
upon the walls
the pulses pound
and common decency has died
the funeral march has long since gone
and i don't feel the urge to cry
nor can i seem to shuffle on
all of these feelings bleed
the knife has twisted
i'm the fool
trying to keep my hopeful heart
within a world where minds are cruel
ungrateful hands just steal and beg
manipulate the veins for more
and taking love in vain
and we're just left here on the floor
crumpled up like dirty clothes
when we know we're worth far more
than the sound of brokenness
and the crash of slamming doors
and the hoard of snide remarks
and remorse only if caught
conclusions jumped to in my brain
wisdom waxes and it wanes
play the scripts over again
try to find myself to blame
and hyper-ventilate to sleep
from the nightmare wake to weep
remind myself, as i'm bled white
in all the small things, to delight
lord, i'm weary of the fight
turn these violent wrongs to rights
i'll write it down and read it back
let it sink into the cracks
calm me down, don't let me fall
sliding slow down the painted wall
calm me down, mend this heart
reconstruct what's come apart

Sunday, September 2, 2012


I walk into the bathroom and am surprised when looking in the mirror. Surprised at the welling up of tears glazing my eyes and my feeble stupid attempts to hold them in. I woke up with my eyes nearly swollen shut… how much more is left in those ducts?! But, it is Sunday. I think every week for at least the last 4 or 5 weeks, I have said, out loud to myself at some point or another, " I hate Sundays." I'm not entirely sure it's true. I think six days of the week is my capacity to quell the grief. I can hide it from the world for six days… and on the seventh day, I need a rest. The bandages fall off, like the adhesive will no longer hold. Right around midnight the panic attacks begin, and I'm in bed hyperventilating, praying to just fall asleep. Sunday morning is the hardest day to pull myself from the white haven of blankets and the warm of the dogs. If I make myself get to church, it begins sooner than later. I sit alone in a room full of people. I look around and find familiar faces everywhere, but they'll not notice I'm there. I'm not there to be seen. I'm there to unfold… to be unfolded. And sure enough, some invisible blanket wraps round and I'm hidden behind some veil of grace. The silent room is permeated with a story being unwrapped for my soul. There is sweet relief here. I am met by this strange feeling of release mingling with failure. I thought I'd done so well. Come to terms. You know, all of those therapy sort of phrases we Westerners use to explain that which we really know very little about…. The human heart and it's strength… and it's frailty. Today, he said that it hurts so deeply, when you love so deeply. I've heard that before, but it brought comfort in hearing it again. Unlike most Sundays where I'm happy to unravel in the shadows in movements of worship, I wanted to leave. It doesn't matter, though whether I stay in bed or head to church, those hands will find me wherever it is that I may be on Sundays. They will find me and unwrap the bandages. They find me and clean my still gaping wounds. Ever so gently applying some soothing balm. They take care to gently wrap them back up. And I fall to a million pieces. I am absolutely alone, but wrapped up by this invisible presence.

It's the quietest day…. and I break again and again and again.

I long for the days when the heaviness is gone from my heart. On Sunday I'm able to weep for the great weight. On Sunday I don't have to pretend it's all ok. Homesick for family, for loving souls who will wrap me up in their arms where I can disappear for just a little while. I long for resolution or for deep sleep. What would sleep do, though, but leave my wounds unattended to and allow some cruel reprieve… only for the pain to intensify the moment I am once again conscious. I have never been so tired… so utterly exhausted. I have never reached such a depth in the seas of sorrow. So I suppose I've never loved so deeply. And I have never been so full of hope in such a dark night… yet I've never felt such agony in waiting for the sun to rise.