Monday, September 27, 2010
i've spent the day with elliott, which has been magical in itself. he's such a fun/sweet/amazing boy and so cute, you pretty much give up before you try having adorable children of your own. his mind is a treasure trove... and i love the way his parents create the most amazing environment for this 3 year old to explore and thrive... they don't shut him down. you look at this kid and he's an explosion of life... it makes you wonder what would happen if all children were loved and nurtured in this way. i love watching the way children's minds work. the way they see things. the little things they notice. the songs they can listen to over and over. it's like the purest form of life without all the crap we accumulate as we grow. i love that this little family is so vibrant without even trying. they're teeming with passion to the point that their lives seem like effortless art. no striving. just standing. it's not always great weather. in fact sometimes there are floods, but they just are these trees, deeply rooted, thriving and flourishing. not perfect... but it's so good.
where is my mind?
i'm a little bit antsy about the job situation. let's be honest. but, hopefully good news will make my phone ring, er vibrate before the day is out... tomorrow at the latest. limbo is annoying.
but then, limbo makes for adventure. so let's just rest in the tension. no sense in wasting perfectly magical autumn days because i'm too busy being stressed out for no good reason in my head. lonnng. i was talking to my friend andy the other day, and he was saying that when he moved to france this summer to teach surfing/run his surf tour business... (the dream he's had for ages coming together finally!), he too felt so unsettled for the first couple of weeks. even though it was everything he'd ever wanted, it's that change factor. and he kept asking himself 'what am i doing?!" it's so encouraging to know that my emotions running wild and feeling just weird is okay. i'm feeling a bit insecure too. but it's all shadows on the wall. it's just that weird guy named fear from my dream stalking me. and i can shake in my bed all night and never get sleep, because i believe that those shadows are witches and ill-tempered men with hats or komodo dragons; or i can realise the truth: that they are simply tree branches, eves and overhangs and other random things upon which the light outside is playing, and that i have an incredible imagination. (i could also fill my mind with english grammar rules so i don't have anymore wretched run-on sentences like that. eeesh!)
i feel bad for the redundancy, but it is what's going on. and it feels better to get it out.
thing is, i don't have control over the way people respond to me or the way things go, to a point. but i do have control over my thoughts. to "take every thought captive," so to speak. it is up to me to make note of all these thoughts that come in and immediately weed through them. it's kind of like getting the mail. you don't have control of what's in your inbox or your mailbox, but you can control what you let sit in your home. what pieces of information you read over and over. you can let everything pile up and clutter your mind and then later have the chore of sifting through the relevant and junk mail, or you can immediately dispose of the junk mail. delete the spam and keep the relevant articles in their right place.
a mind is a terrible thing to waste... especially on worry and fears.
when i was young, i learned this bible verse :
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."
it just got real magical.
photos by tim walker.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I arrived in Nashville on Friday night. It is now Wednesday… and everything feels like a surreal dream. Like I'm part of some surrealist painting… and I'm not sure what everything means.
I need a job. And quite frankly, I want a job. One can't go from being a work-a-holic to jobless and be just fine with it, now can they? Besides, there are bills to pay… mouths to feed and aint nothing in this world for free. Except at Whole Foods. The other night, Emilia and I went there and ended up receiving a free piece of chocolate annnnnd a free slice of vegetarian pizza. Sweet hands of victory.
I live in a super cute house in east nashville and my room is finally done. I think the thing is, that there are 3 main pieces of furniture in it… and those 3 pieces are new. And there is nothing familiar about it, but the accents. And so, somehow, I feel like this is someone else's room. Or a cozy space that I'm occupying. But it's yet to sink in that it is MY room… I still feel like i'm on a weird vacation.
I like things like being able to go to a coffee shop and randomly run into friendly faces. Pretty faces and handsome faces. But, nonetheless, faces I've seen on my computer screen and would like to hang out with more often. And now, I can. I like when people say things like, "welcome home." It's the same excited/comfortable feeling that happens when you fly back from a foreign country, and see the "welcome home" signs for the US citizen/US residents. No matter how sad you were to leave the place you just were… there's something to that phrase… 'welcome home'. Obviously. I've typed it 3 times in this paragraph.
It's ever so nice to wake up to sweet messages in the morning… followed by an onslaught of banter and play fighting. I have a new playmate/long-distance companion/friend, and I assure you that I'm not sure how I would've made it through the first few days of this transition to Nashville without him. FACT. It's also nice to have some of your best girl friends within a 5 mile radius. I can't even handle the loveliness of that. I'm thankful.
There are a couple of things that remain so very confusing. and waiting on the job? I'm so bad at waiting.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch… I will say that everything feels new. Scary. Exciting. That whole 'what have I gotten myself into' question repeating itself like a broken record…
which reminds me of listening to old records on my great-grandparents record player in their basement in Alexandria, Virginia. The smell of the basement… how scared I was of certain parts without the lights on. The copy of the mona lisa on top of a file cabinet… the old clothes… uniforms and dresses… the lionel train set… so many things come swarming back to me. I sometimes wish I could just make a bunch of money and buy that house back and leave it in our family for generations to come.
Oh wait. I am the generations to come… weird.
Annnnnd I'm tired and far too thoughtful for my own good. I'll leave this little fruit salad of thoughts as is… and get to sleep. And if I'm very lucky, I'll wake up to sweet messages again to get the day started before embarking upon another day of job searching.