Monday, September 27, 2010

it just got real magical.

yesterday, i was cold in my short-sleeved shirt. this morning, i wore 2 layers and shivered slightly. fall is upon us, that sweet ghost has fallen asleep and has begun to dream in colours of golden, browns, reds and orange flames.

i've spent the day with elliott, which has been magical in itself. he's such a fun/sweet/amazing boy and so cute, you pretty much give up before you try having adorable children of your own. his mind is a treasure trove... and i love the way his parents create the most amazing environment for this 3 year old to explore and thrive... they don't shut him down. you look at this kid and he's an explosion of life... it makes you wonder what would happen if all children were loved and nurtured in this way. i love watching the way children's minds work. the way they see things. the little things they notice. the songs they can listen to over and over. it's like the purest form of life without all the crap we accumulate as we grow. i love that this little family is so vibrant without even trying. they're teeming with passion to the point that their lives seem like effortless art. no striving. just standing. it's not always great weather. in fact sometimes there are floods, but they just are these trees, deeply rooted, thriving and flourishing. not perfect... but it's so good.

where is my mind?

i'm a little bit antsy about the job situation. let's be honest. but, hopefully good news will make my phone ring, er vibrate before the day is out... tomorrow at the latest. limbo is annoying.
but then, limbo makes for adventure. so let's just rest in the tension. no sense in wasting perfectly magical autumn days because i'm too busy being stressed out for no good reason in my head. lonnng. i was talking to my friend andy the other day, and he was saying that when he moved to france this summer to teach surfing/run his surf tour business... (the dream he's had for ages coming together finally!), he too felt so unsettled for the first couple of weeks. even though it was everything he'd ever wanted, it's that change factor. and he kept asking himself 'what am i doing?!" it's so encouraging to know that my emotions running wild and feeling just weird is okay. i'm feeling a bit insecure too. but it's all shadows on the wall. it's just that weird guy named fear from my dream stalking me. and i can shake in my bed all night and never get sleep, because i believe that those shadows are witches and ill-tempered men with hats or komodo dragons; or i can realise the truth: that they are simply tree branches, eves and overhangs and other random things upon which the light outside is playing, and that i have an incredible imagination. (i could also fill my mind with english grammar rules so i don't have anymore wretched run-on sentences like that. eeesh!)

i feel bad for the redundancy, but it is what's going on. and it feels better to get it out.

thing is, i don't have control over the way people respond to me or the way things go, to a point. but i do have control over my thoughts. to "take every thought captive," so to speak. it is up to me to make note of all these thoughts that come in and immediately weed through them. it's kind of like getting the mail. you don't have control of what's in your inbox or your mailbox, but you can control what you let sit in your home. what pieces of information you read over and over. you can let everything pile up and clutter your mind and then later have the chore of sifting through the relevant and junk mail, or you can immediately dispose of the junk mail. delete the spam and keep the relevant articles in their right place.

a mind is a terrible thing to waste... especially on worry and fears.
when i was young, i learned this bible verse :
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

it just got real magical.

photos by tim walker.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


you know those times where you come home from being someplace or doing something with certain people, and you get ready to shut down and head to bed... and you take your makeup off or get out of that fancy dress or release the skinny jeans or kick off the shoes or... whatever that looks like. and some nights you're extra exhausted and analysing the role you've just played. the performance you've just made for everyone.

then there are times when you come home exhausted, because you're just plain tired and you've had a good time. but your heart feels so full, because you were yourself completely.

tonight was one of those nights.

my heart is on the brink of exploding with thanksgiving to be surrounded by a good group of girls in this town who i am able to be myself with...
and being around them, makes me realise i'm wonderful just the way i am. the focus is on making light of everything else. the focus is on laughing and being random. the focus is on one another, rather than walking around with a compact mirror honing in my blemishes and imperfections. the focus is just us being who we are and enjoying life and the company we're keeping.

so i would just like to say to the girls and to the boys i've lifted up on some ridiculous and highly inappropriate pedestal... to the ones i give undue authority to cause me to pass judgement on myself... i'm sorry. it's not my job to worry so very much about the way you perceive me. it isn't my life purpose to gain your acceptance. 'words of affirmation' is definitely one of my love languages, but i'm sorry that sometimes i rely on your doling out of affirmation or withholding to define my worth. that's a whole lot of pressure. i'm sorry i over-analyse everything you say and am unable to hear your heart. i'm sorry i've been so self-obsessed that i can't even see what you're about. this is silly. unfortunately, these things take a bit of time. but i'm going to do my very best to just be... be here now. be myself. stop hiding, stop creating someone else... and just enjoy you. enjoy the day. and be enjoyed.
i want to give you the space to be who you are and the room to become.
i want you to be able to respond the way you want to. which means you may even decide you don't want my heart. and that scares me, sometimes... but i don't want to allow fear to cripple me and keep me hidden and unable to love.
i want to love you better.
one day at a time.


Saturday, September 25, 2010

cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean?

i have the craziest/scariest/weirdest dreams sometimes. i'll not call them nightmares exactly, because i usually wake from them with the strangest sense of calm and clarity... immediately beginning to understand the metaphors in much of them. quite often, these dreams are a way of organizing the puzzle pieces in my brain and heart that i've not been able to sort through.

i'm also in dire need of breakfast/brunch/lunch coupled with the fact that i'm pretty positive i'm allergic to smoke and am suffering the after-affects of being in a smokey room last night. (albeit having a grand time in that smokey room)

one dream involved my being followed around by a very weird man... an old man with a particular older european car that i think i've seen in photo shoots. i'll say that he was a bit of a hannibal lector which is frightening enough on its own... and i knew he wanted to kill me, even though he never aggressively did anything but just follow me around and show up in places i wished he wouldn't. i woke up with this realisation that i'm afraid of the past repeating itself in quite a few different ways. after all of this progress and growth, i still get scared that love and good things will be outrun by some unhappy tragedy in every season.

but instead of falling into despair, i feel like it's just a friendly reminder. sort of like an alarm going off that trust levels are getting low. "NiTasha, you know where this gets you... you've let go of this fear motivation..." Just a gentle reminder that fear will do nothing but eat me alive and hinder everything i do. i needed that.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

a little lesson from pop music.

"I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before. I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible."

This is the new theme for this new season.
This is my heart's desire. To love like this.

"What rhymes with 'glass'?" "Alas." "Alas! Of course!"

I arrived in Nashville on Friday night. It is now Wednesday… and everything feels like a surreal dream. Like I'm part of some surrealist painting… and I'm not sure what everything means.

I need a job. And quite frankly, I want a job. One can't go from being a work-a-holic to jobless and be just fine with it, now can they? Besides, there are bills to pay… mouths to feed and aint nothing in this world for free. Except at Whole Foods. The other night, Emilia and I went there and ended up receiving a free piece of chocolate annnnnd a free slice of vegetarian pizza. Sweet hands of victory.

I live in a super cute house in east nashville and my room is finally done. I think the thing is, that there are 3 main pieces of furniture in it… and those 3 pieces are new. And there is nothing familiar about it, but the accents. And so, somehow, I feel like this is someone else's room. Or a cozy space that I'm occupying. But it's yet to sink in that it is MY room… I still feel like i'm on a weird vacation.

I like things like being able to go to a coffee shop and randomly run into friendly faces. Pretty faces and handsome faces. But, nonetheless, faces I've seen on my computer screen and would like to hang out with more often. And now, I can. I like when people say things like, "welcome home." It's the same excited/comfortable feeling that happens when you fly back from a foreign country, and see the "welcome home" signs for the US citizen/US residents. No matter how sad you were to leave the place you just were… there's something to that phrase… 'welcome home'. Obviously. I've typed it 3 times in this paragraph.

It's ever so nice to wake up to sweet messages in the morning… followed by an onslaught of banter and play fighting. I have a new playmate/long-distance companion/friend, and I assure you that I'm not sure how I would've made it through the first few days of this transition to Nashville without him. FACT. It's also nice to have some of your best girl friends within a 5 mile radius. I can't even handle the loveliness of that. I'm thankful.

There are a couple of things that remain so very confusing. and waiting on the job? I'm so bad at waiting.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… I will say that everything feels new. Scary. Exciting. That whole 'what have I gotten myself into' question repeating itself like a broken record…

which reminds me of listening to old records on my great-grandparents record player in their basement in Alexandria, Virginia. The smell of the basement… how scared I was of certain parts without the lights on. The copy of the mona lisa on top of a file cabinet… the old clothes… uniforms and dresses… the lionel train set… so many things come swarming back to me. I sometimes wish I could just make a bunch of money and buy that house back and leave it in our family for generations to come.

Oh wait. I am the generations to come… weird.

Annnnnd I'm tired and far too thoughtful for my own good. I'll leave this little fruit salad of thoughts as is… and get to sleep. And if I'm very lucky, I'll wake up to sweet messages again to get the day started before embarking upon another day of job searching.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

from the coffee shop. [scatter-brained...]

i dont have internet at home yet, and i'm too scatter-brained to make a very long deliberate post, arranging my thoughts neatly on this table in a busy fido coffee house for you. well, right this second anyway. but i will.

for the record, though, the move went well. just need to finish setting up my room. and if you're very nice, i may post photos of that. my friends have been incredible in welcoming me home to nashville. however, i still feel like i'm on a vacation, somehow. i'm thinking it will probably kick in, in the next couple of days or so. can you say in, in? i think i just did.
meanwhile, i'm also a little overwhelmed.
i'm also too hard on myself... still. which is just silly. and still i'm over-analysing a conversation had yesterday. i just need to breathe deep and release it into this boiling september day. the good news is, the nights are nice and cool. good for dancing in. which is precisely what happened last night.
it's nice to see familiar faces everywhere.
it's nice to know i can see them whenever we like.
i would like to say i'm thankful for my best friends and new favourite friends who are not in this town, who are absolute encouragement champions. they're excitement and enthusiasm light up my world like christmas lights. i mean, night time is great... but those lights make it magical.

it's the beginning of the adventure. it's amazing. it's wonderful. it's terrifying. you realise just how small you are, and how big this is... you're excited, but the reality is all around you. and all of your expectations will be burned at the stake. and all that you can't possibly imagine is going to take place.

sink or swim. and i refuse to drown.

Friday, September 17, 2010

all my bags are packed. [i'm ready to go]

in just a couple of hours i am leaving for nashville.
i wish i could say that i'm mostly bursting with excitement.
i hope that i look back on this in a couple of weeks and laugh...
but i'm ever so frightened.
scared things won't work out.
scared i've made the wrong decision.
scared i won't get a job... bills won't get paid...
scared everything has changed and i'm not actually where i should be.
i'm trying to be oh so very brave, like the little toaster guy.
also, one of my best friends is in cancun and unavailable for freak out chats.

already i'm so lonesome i could cry.
welp, here goes everything...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

he said...

"you're much too hard on yourself. you're more amazing than you give yourself credit for... and you're more beautiful than you know."

he branded those words on my heart.
someone needed to.

it's tuesday, september 14, 2010 - and i miss london and my favourites who at this moment are probably all sleeping in their beds.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

into your arms i will go when i'm low.

you know when you go without food for a while, it's hard at first, but eventually you stop being hungry... you can even smell food and not have a desire for it?
i think affection and physical touch is very much the same.
for the last 10 days, i've been spoiled with hugs and cuddles and affection.
i wonder if you can get full on it too...
in that case, i'm overdosing tonight and maybe it will last til i get home.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

secrets of blurry lines.

photo: ninelle efremova
the night is full of surprises.
it comes with the territory of this city that holds the keys to my heart.
darling faces i grow fond of in an instant. kisses that displace the thought of another half-hearted soul. at every turn, look left and look right. but you'll never anticipate what greets you there. no grid... just interwoven ancient roads and underground stables. move fast. move slowly. amble along... my pulse matches this rhythm.
my anger grew last night until it swallowed up my anticipation. and surprise distractions have embraced me again. my friends have made a wall of arms. my livid skin is calmed. the tension in my neck is released. he held my face in his hands and i've forgotten. all that mattered so much just days ago has lost it's grip on my nerves.
do you know how it feels to be loved? just as you are? that's this city to me. i dont have to be anyone else. i can roll out of bed and i'm greeted with smiles and darlings and pet names. i can hide myself in the dark... and i'm still someone's angel of light. yet, never on a pedestal. always protected. always safe. here in this city, i can be myself. my core is calm. adventure calls and i answer with bright eyed wonder. doesn't matter how fast it moves. doesn't matter how the storm rages, there's peace that chases me down these magical streets.

this is where i feel alive.
this is where i remember who i am.
this is where my heart is home.

Friday, September 10, 2010

gig. jig. perfectionist. forgetfulness.

I had a gig last night at the Lock Tavern. I would just like to say, it was such such such fun. The room was full of familiar faces, and only a few strangers. My friends are amazing. I'm so thankful for them and their support and encouragement and for just coming out and bringing friends with them. They also lift the really heavy keyboard we seem to rent every time, which makes them champions in my mind. Clive, Jim, Matt and Lewis. The usual helpers. Elena took some photos. And other friends travelled from other towns. I wish they knew how crazy I am about them. I was especially excited about the fact that Ayah and Rami came with Tom. FREAKED OUT HAPPY. Finally had some facetime. Good stuff, indeed.

What I don't understand is how, sometimes, I feel I've had the worst performance ever, and my constructive criticism crew says it was the best ever. But, then times like last night, I feel, overall, it was far more confident and I feel good about the gig afterward (I mean, there were places that felt strange due to it being a small gig with no real sound check and things) ... there is always room for improvement. always. and i'm thankful for honesty, but when my constructive criticism crew says things like, "yeah, it was great but... and then fill in the blanks with the issues." It gets a little trying. As I've said, I'm already a perfectionist... and so I'm trying to be on my A-game all the time. They chide me a bit for being nervous, but I'm used to being nervous. Nerves are good, as long as they don't take over. So I've stopped mentioning how nervous I am, and flutter around the room talking with people. I feel like whenever I have a gig here, there's always so much riding on it. And I'm supposed to be aware of that, and yet forget it when it's time to perform. So last night, I just stopped caring and just had a really good time. The general consensus was that it was the most confident performance ever... but the vocals weren't the strongest. So after doing everything on this trip, booking the gig, getting the industry kids down... basically self-managing... I've worked really hard on this one, and it's frustrating when my constructive criticism team has more points to make. Actually, Conor was really annoyed with some of this feedback... so I didn't feel so ridiculous.

I was nervous beforehand, and thought it would be best not to eat a whole lot... as you do before singing and then I had a lot of red wine. Oops. I really need to stop forgetting to eat.

There was this guy there last night who was like this amazing mixture of Patrick Watson and Jeff Buckley. He sang amazing grace and I almost cried. He said he loved my voice. His set was so beautiful. Amy, Rachel, Elena and I were all in love. And so were the boys, actually. I think Chard was as giddy as Elena in speaking to him after his set.

Slowly everyone made their way back home, and the evening came to a close with Conor and Elena speaking french to each other... and story telling... and falling asleep on the couch.

This morning, I've returned the keyboard after having managed to get a couple of hours of sleep...
Now off to sort out some meetings.
And the beat goes on...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

last night [danny fox - a song for someone else]

i've stolen a couple of shots from last night...
in the center is the sweet sam teasdale.

one of my favourite paintings of danny's... (behind gary powell)
danny and the lovely - finally-got-to-meet-you-alex brownsell.

i didn't cry as suggested on the previous post, due to emotional craziness. i did get lost getting there, though. i'm determined to master that old street station next. yes. next goal in life.
it was a wonderful wonderful night. where i finally put real life faces to names, caught up with good friends and took in danny's wonderful art on display.
so proud of this boy. yes. i really am.

remember xanga? currently playing: interpol

i woke up early this morning and made my way to oxford circus. i recommend doing this early in the morning, just after opening. there were maybe 10 people in the store. it was glorious shopping. it may be why i came away with 3 items that i actually won't be returning. i'm still on the hunt for some boots and a 'leather' bomber/aviator jacket. i know exactly what i want, and won't settle for anything less... this makes things difficult. i feel tomorrow may be a repeat... for no other reason, than i liked the feeling of having that manic place to myself.

after shopping, i headed back to the flat where clive made lunch. whatever he may tell you, it was really yummy. a salad with no salad (the spinach went a bit wrong), poached eggs, and he had toast. then i was off to meet up with ben for coffee. i like that guy a whole lot. i'm also a real big fan of his cello skills. anyway, it was good having a long conversation about all kinds of things. you know, those people where you just feel like you've been friends forever... and you just have a really good time talking? that's ben. we were talking about hard times and growth. i love his resolve to see the positive in things. and we were talking about the changes taking place. and how content we are, and yet not. and how excited we are and yet with reserve. hopeful, is a good word. the world is ours for the taking. and i hope i get to have him around a lot more in the future.

i have the flat to myself tonight. i decided to stay in and clean. i'll probably get a reprimanding for that. but, i mean... i won't listen. and it's what i do! i also have that nagging feeling that tomorrow is going to require... no, demand a lot from me. and if everyone comes out that has said they will... it's going to be so fun seeing everyone. overwhelming awesome fun. I AM GOING TO FREAK OUT.

so i have one night not to think about it.
i'm really trying to be better at this whole being present thing.
on that note. i'm going to go wind down with a book and tuck myself in bed.

goodnight friends.
goodnight camden.

p.s. sorry it's so boring without photos. i'll put them up in droves when i get home.
p.s.s. i'm not sorry to be able to share events of my day. it's nice to have full days with people i love... and a place to put these thoughts and memories down.

my heart is just home.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

wherever you go... there you are.

yesterday, i played american tourist with lee and that was a whole lot of fun. i have photos, but will probably refrain from uploading any until after i get back. perhaps while using my new laptop. oh what's that? new laptop? well, here's some fun news, my new baby macbook pro is at home waiting for me.
last night it rained. but it was nice. i wanted some rain. this morning, i slept in for ages and i don't think i've completely left the land of slumber yet. i'm feeling really tired and sleepy, which could be a conglomerate of reasons... most of which, i'll keep to myself. however, it's painting this sunny london world a weird shade of gray. this is lame. i am excited about tonight's exhibition in east london, but due to my stupid emotional fog, am not looking forward to getting their. today is a day i don't feel like being adventurous on my own...

unfortunately that is precisely how it must be today, and i'm just not in the mood for it.

i also had a bunch of bad dreams about moving to nashville...
i feel a little hurt by a couple of people there already, and there's nothing i can do about the situation. it's just a sad thing when you realise you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. let down. those are the words of choice. it's not the end of the world, but it hurts and there's nothing more to be said about that. thus, thoughts of moving back to nashland which would usually get me very happy are making me incredibly anxious. best to avoid it all for now.

oh well. off to get 'pretty' for tonight's event. danny's art has a way of moving me, as it is... we'll all be lucky if i dont cry.

Monday, September 6, 2010


there is this little orange cuban bar at the corner of a street in camden. in it they make the most glorious cocktails i have ever tasted. they play things like d'angelo, until their live band starts...and it is straight hip shaking cuban/latin/south american glory. i had a classmate named Adriel who was from Argentina. once upon a time, he taught me a very simple little argentinian dance. yesterday, upon hearing this music, i needed to dance that. it is 11am and i need to go back already.

the evening was spent catching up with elena and just browsing the high street. clive ordered some thai, and because i can never remember the name of my favourite thai food (which i cannot find in the united states...well, i find it but it tastes NOTHING like it does here)... elena and i had nandos. don't know how to explain it. but think, roasted chicken with this lemon herb spice stuff, chips (fries) and a ridiculous salad. why are the salads so good here? buh. anyway. from there, we thought it would be a simple night in with glasses of wine, watching some random film. and lee came in...

lee is my official new friend who is visiting from la and staying with us. he's a louisiana boy. as you may be able to imagine, we've gotten on swimmingly. he started showing us youtube video remixes and other viral things, which seemed to light the flame of adventure. elena had to be up at the crack of dawn, so we called her a cab and bid her goodbye. lee suggested we go find a pub open on a sunday night. i backed his suggestion... and clive surprisingly enough awoke from his slumber, got a second wind and an unexpected evening began it's course. we headed to the hawley arms where i met the nicest...not to mention handsomest, bartender i've ever ever met there. the boys drank budweiser... (still unsure of how i feel about that) whilst i had a white russian. GLORY. we sat in this massive booth and talked of many things... shared our stories... fun. we came back to the flat and listened to the latest roots record, because clive hadn't heard it. ok. ok. ok. do you know the feeling that happens when you've been listening to something like mad and you haven't had anyone to really share that enthusiasm with? at least in person? well, friends... this is what happened when i turned it on. the living room was my dance floor... and lee and i just reveled in it. possibly twice through. so did clive. good times. our conversation got deeper and we learned lots about louisiana ... and lee explained more about cajun cooking. i have a little shot of cajun history due to my mom's ex-husband being from lafayette. so this exchange was a fun one. clive went rock climbing yesterday, and was telling us about all of these different walls and how he's absolutely obsessed with this new found fun. i displayed my roundhouse kick.

i think one of the highest compliments one can be paid by a guy, is when he says "you have to meet my girlfriend. you two are on the same sort of wavelength. she would LOVE you. i mean, facebook friends without even having met." i'm not sure why. but it really is. so i was invited to come see them in la. hah. as if i needed anymore convincing to make a trip to la a priority, it now IS a priority. i'm so excited, it's out of control.

today, i think we're all about to get touristy. mostly because we really haven't before, and lee is the perfect excuse.

wakey wakey rise and shine.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

autumnal advances.

the one thing i love about london is the fact that autumn is already here. everyone is in their long sleeves and jeans and boots galore. this is excellent because i can do a little autumn/winter shopping without it feeling ridiculous whatsoever.

yesterday was spent browsing the streets of east london with clive. it was nice to just walk around with no particular place to go. not to mention, it was so quiet on those streets. i did manage to get a couple of bracelets i fell in love with. but i feel shopping is probably best done with a girlfriend. and lucky me, there are a few wonderful prospects for such things. namely, my new friend amy. we're pretty much soul mates and i might be a tiny bit in love with her. haha

last night, jim, rachel & chard joined us and we went on a bit of a pub crawl in camden. we started at the lock tavern, and found a lucky little table in the beer garden. upon leaving the lock tavern, we were given the option to have a stamp on our hands. apparently this was a good idea, so i got one. it says in all caps, "FAG". at the hawley arms our conversations changed to conspiracy theories and other such random things. we also found out that chard is actually the center of the universe, which i found strangely comforting. jim taught us the 'double lean'. a girl was chatting to him and another friend walked up, and so he casually rested his arms on the shoulders of both the girl & the friend. this... is the double lean. (men, take notes.)
the bouncer at the last place of which i am constantly forgetting the name, remembered me. he heard me talking on the phone the night before, and i happened to let out an exaggerated/giggly/loud-ish "OH MY GOOOOD". he burst into laughter and did his best/worst american impression. this of course made me laugh more... and so for the rest of the night and last night, he'd shout it back to me. i dont feel all that memorable, especially in a city like london ... in an area like camden where you are always seeing different faces. but it seems i am? hmmm. anyway, chard loves coming back to clive's place around the time the clubs and pubs are closing, because the street fills up with people... so he sits in the window and watches them. then he starts shouting down to them/heckling them. clive is always afraid a brick will get thrown through the window. so far so good. it's also been one of chard's latest and greatest in friend making techniques. that, and using words like massive unit to describe an incredibly tall and muscular russian bouncer. (Chard was very VERY excited to make his acquaintance...and the bouncer liked this attention.)

there were some really good conversations last night, as well. as i was listening to rachel pour out her heart about some things, i found myself amazed again. it never ceases to amaze me the things a human will put up with under the guise of 'love'. the things we talk ourselves into and out of. the things we believe about ourselves that are blatantly lies, because we are literally the only one who sees things that way. (tongue-twister) how quick we are to run back to the past or continually try to resurrect it, or to jump to the future. and a lot of times, this is because we're so afraid to be alone with ourselves, or afraid of hurting. and how much we need to just talk and be heard and have someone hold our hands, if only just to say.... i've been where you are.

i did, however, receive some unexpected encouragement... i was summarizing much of what has been written in this blog for chard, and he said something like this...

"i dont believe in fate. i believe that we have a lot of control over our destiny. and you are in this place where, yeah, you're working really hard... but you have a goal. you know what you want. and you're going to get there. i admire that. because a lot of people just live to work and live on the weekend. but you are working hard, but you're working for something. and i bet that every night your head hits the pillow, you can sleep knowing you've given it all you've got. i think you're in a wonderful place. yeah it's hard and it sucks now, but it will be all that much more worth it when things start coming together. i really admire you."

if i flew across the atlantic to hear that, it was worth it. alas. i won't box in destiny. it's only sunday, and it's just getting started.

mostly, on this sunday afternoon, i need coffee.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


currently, i'm sat in clive & matt's flat with clive and my new friend amy at nearly 3am. camden town is screaching to a halt below... but mostly we're on the screaching part. inevitably, it will come to a halt in a couple of hours. i, however, have been awake since 9:30 thursday morning... despite 2 hours of sleep this afternoon. i didn't sleep at all on the flight to london... the first two-ish hours due to take-off and watching "hot-tub time machine" which made me laugh a lot. it also made the guy sat next to me laugh a lot. we started talking and didn't stop until after the plane landed. we talked of many things. his name is conor. we are still talking.
once i landed and went through the hassle of uk immigration including the largest queue i've ever experienced, christopher aka tinhead, was there to pick me up. such a lovely afternoon was had with he and his dog... also one of my favourite dogs EVER... Jet. i took a 2 hour nap to refresh and reset, had some tea to get things going... and then it was off to oxford to the 'local' for the most glorious cider i've ever had. this cider came out slow and icy...
later, chris dropped me off at the train station, and i made my way to london. a lovely dinner was to be had with clive at this quiet little place in the not so quiet little place of camden. we went all out and had a great chat about many things. met up with friends afterward... and went to a couple of different pubs and things.
bailey's cheesecake, pizza and bailey's creme on ice and laughter and conversations later, i am now ready to crash... radiohead is filling up the space around me... along with the sounds of voices shouting things i can't make out... brakes... engines speeding up and slowing down... sirens...
camden is coming to a screeching halt, and so am i.
a little less loudly... but i am off to sleep. :)
and my heart is at ease and full from a conversation had on the street. he makes me smile and he doesn't even know. best thing is, he doesn't need to right now.
and with that, goodnight.

Le 1er septembre...

happy birthday to one of my partners in crime, stephanie shuff.
the world is not ready for us.

sink or swim.

(gala colette)

into the brave new world.

(photo: gala collette)