Saturday, February 23, 2013

love versus fear.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
The opposite of light is dark.
The opposite of happy is sad.
The opposite of up is down.
The opposite of love is hate.
I can honestly say that I'm not sure if I've ever hated anyone until moving to this city. And there are a couple of people, I've regarded with such scorn... with such distain... I couldn't care less what becomes of them. I've resented them. I hang them on the gallows of judgement in my heart as often as their names come to mind. And I've cursed the day they came into my life.
Easy. I don't love them.
More than all of that, I'm concerned with the condition of my heart that would allow it.
I've never been that way.
However, I've never been hurt so deeply.
And so the argument goes.
The pendulum swings.
The storm rages, and I just sort wait.
I've also heard that the opposite of love is, actually fear. And perhaps, the fear gives way to hate...

There are people who will always annoy you. Would you wish them harm? Certainly not. Your personalities simply clash and it's harder to get along. But, almost always you can find something... at least one thing to tie your two broken selves together. Something to relate to.

I have seriously hated some people.

And throughout the last couple of days, someone has decided that enough is enough.
A dawn has begun to creep up through the horizon of my rather gloomy sky.

"What is it, about the ones you hate that scares you so badly?"
"What is it that you fear about them?"

It's really one of those rhetorical questions.
Just the asking is like a spotlight on a stage.
The dark night of the soul has ended... and there's that slow reveal of sunrise...
Where can you hide from that sort of revelation?

I'm afraid they'll steal what matters most to me.
I'm fearful of the effect their negativity or their reckless and careless behavior will have on me or on the ones I love.
I'm afraid of losing.
I'm fearful of being hurt... that deeply... ever... EVER again.

It's not a shaking in your boots kind of fear, but an all-encompassing terror that blocks out reason. You cut off this part of your life; of your heart... you attempt to isolate the parts that have been maimed by this person, and you salvage what you can, harden it, and the rest you begin building a coffin... a tomb where it can all die. The memories, the good, the bad, the feelings... every last attachment... in order to eradicate all of the wrong from your life.

You really do mean well.

But it all sort of festers into this bitterness and resentment, and the next thing you know, you've buried all of yourself and you're just waiting to disappear.

Love versus fear.

It's not even a real match. It's a joke really, because love will always win...

You may even vow that it won't; but sure enough on some unsuspecting day in the middle of the week, it will whisper a question when you take a moment to quiet down...

and say, "i'm with you. so, why are you afraid?"

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

lay me down to sleep.

half awake. half asleep.
staring at the ceiling
stucco sort of texture
and the smudges
it's equally fascinating and disconcerting -
how many lives were lived in this space
the good, the bad, the memories created here
in this very same place that i call home
the imprints
"if the walls could talk..."
or make their own history book
and i'm really thankful they don't talk, sometimes
funny the way we hide behind walls
disclose our hearts
facades set aside
behind closed doors
all of these thoughts were so loud
i could barely hear the hum of the ceiling fan
i couldn't get comfortable
i couldn't resolve to get out of bed
so i just let my thoughts weave their webs
of hope
of discouragement
i just stopped talking myself out of things
no need to fake it
and i missed the early days, a little
when you'd coax me to release my worries
like balloons to the sky
and i speak calm to your troubled mind
ok with being present...
happy... content to be here
because beyond a shadow of a doubt;
it's where i'm supposed to be
because sometimes i'm so very uncertain
before falling
down to sleep.