think of all the fellas that i haven't kissed. next year i could be just as good, if you'd check off my christmas list...

my ultimate christmas gift involves...
boarding.

landing at my favourite destination.

(photo by dan shearman. soooo good, huh?)
being in somekindawonderful situation where everything is sorted. including my music visa.

so i'm moving in here...

into a modest flat reminiscent of this... (sans the furnishings of course.)

overlooking regents canal. less than a 5 minute walk from kings cross station. and not too far from camden town.

with a bathroom that has a huge bathtub in it and a place for candles and all of those things.

and all of my family and friends coming to see it.
then, i could be near my english friends (and french and german and swiss and italian and greek) all the time. and people could have a place to stay, so they wouldn't have to rush off in the middle of the night to catch the last train. and i'd write and record my songs, and people would buy them...and i'd get into all the other things i'd love to do...like fashion and photography and film. my family would be taken care of financially. my mom wouldn't have to work anymore, except for doing things she loves. my grandma could have her little getaway spot in myrtle beach.

a mac computer and a new camera to keep everyone up to speed.

and winston

to keep me warm til my love comes.

this is my favourite dream.

the one i wish for every single day of my life.

back to reality. oh, there goes gravity...

job hunting and decisions have my head in a horrible whirl. i'm finding myself having the most horrid dreams and consequently bad sleep and panicked feelings and all of those sorts of things. i'm working out almost every day, so it isn't my lack of physical activity! not one job option seems to be cut and dry. for example, one job is going to pay more money than i've ever been paid, but the hours aren't very nice and apart from weekends, i wouldn't be able to travel at all. WHICH is one of the little reasons i wanted to go home in the first place.
and then there's the waiting game. waiting waiting waiting to hear from everyone, and then trying to make a decision based on what i hear. in one sense it would be wonderful to make a crapload of cash. but then, what's it all for, if i'm not able to really do music as much as i'd like?!

yep. i'm overwhelmed.

also, there are some african refugees living down the street. i found out today that some kids have been taking it upon themselves to gang up on a couple of these refugee kids as they get off the bus at the end of the day. i'm still angry about it. these kids have gone through so much. soooo much! and then, they come here, and are going through such a huge adjustment... and get to be beat up as they leave a school bus because...oh wait! there is no reason for it!
i got so angry i just started crying.
why am i such a mess?!
i talked to jordan & aaron last night, my heart melted, i hung up the phone and i started crying.

i am, though, looking forward to colleen coming, oasis + ryan adams in december, and hopefully getting to nyc to see dan and guy!!!

now if only i can devise a plan to get myself to london.

uuuuuggggghhhhh!