my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
you see, i was walking alone with him in this place. this desert wasteland... great vacation spot. i recommend it highly. it's burning during the day and it's freezing cold at night. bi-polar conditions all in one shot. anxiety in my chest. gripping. squeezing so tight for dear life. my life. the last drops of control. they all thought i was going down to the depths. the dark depths of the hell within. they all thought i was crazy. acting like i was drunk. wailing in the temple for him to just hear me. for him to remember me. for him to show up... so he did. and off we went to this aforementioned place. yes, back to my story. let's stay on track. this desert wasteland. burning hot days and freezing nights. like nature had gone to an insane asylum, and i was seated in the chamber of her thoughts. in her room with padded walls. and alone with he and she and the stars, i screamed along. i shouted and punched the air. i swung at him. i railed against all i've known with a fury you've only read about. and then, she and i were still. exhausted, i slept. he never left. i woke up to the rising of a yellow burning ball of gas -kind of like the sun, but far too close for comfort and far too bright to see. and at night it would flee from me as though i was a stricken with leprosy. even the ground trembled. cold. empty. so, we walked in silence. and yet, in the worst of the elements, he would wrap his arms round, and i'd disappear into the warmth at night. he'd shade my eyes in the blinding sun, as i wept my tears of fear and trembling during the day. then, he took me to the water. placid and still as glass in the midst of the chaos of the atmosphere. i looked into the depths of this crystal bottomless sea... and i saw everything and nothing and me. bones. dry weary bones. and hollow eyes. half dead. sort of alive, in a pathetic sort of way. dressed up in sorrows constantly. scars and bruises adorning my head like a broken crown. love lost. the remains of promise rings now rusted round my fingers. my heart. now racing. now slowing in my chest. held together by scotch tape and ribbons i'd found on old presents. pitiful. sick. the diagnosis? hope deferred. and in spite of all this, i kept going. dancing, a broken dance. unloved. and blithely unaware...somehow. this was an uncomfortable true-to-life view to say the least. like being in a changing room in victoria's secret with unforgiving lighting. so i looked up at him... and i realised i hadn't really looked at him this whole time. and his eyes were red and swollen from all the crying. and, yet somehow still ever so warm and tender when he looked at me. their depths fathomless, and i gazed in, unable to look away. i thought i could've fallen in, actually. but, once again i could see everything and nothing but a girl who looked so very much like me. but, maybe not, because she was beautiful, and radiant. and so alive. bright... bright.young.thing. at ease. at peace. laughter in her face. overflowing with love. i mean, you could almost feel it like oil dripping from her hands. an aroma filled the room when she smiled. the kind of girl the poets muse about. the ones that show up in every volume of their books. the kind the legends write the hit songs about. not the fleeting siren who calls the sailors farther out to sea. but the real thing. the kind every girl wants to be. the kind every boy wants to be good enough for. loved. i was she. his beloved... and now, fading.
and in that moment everything made sense.
and my eyes shut. but the tears escaped silently anyway.
everything stopped.
i breathed in...
he exhaled...
and then, ever so faintly at first, the wind began to blow. but on it, were words i couldn't understand. kind of like a song, and it was getting stuck in my head. it kind of like a language familiar...but nothing i've heard before. beautiful and haunting. with it came the movement of a symphony of strings.
when i opened my eyes i was clinging to the last moments of the lingering note as it disappeared. i didn't see him. or the water or anything. i only saw this wall. thicker than anything i've ever seen before. like the ancient ones. and i realised, i was home. this place i'd called home. in this bed, snuggled up with blankets of shame. with an army of me standing guard just outside my guilded door. a great defense grander than the armies of alexander the great... and all kinds of things. shiny things filling the room that once made me happy for a little while.
and there i was. with nothing but this song i'd just heard on the wind. and just when i thought it was all over. and it was back to reality time, i heard him. though i couldn't see him, i heard him say... 'sing.'
oh, so now, i'm hearing voices. and now, i'm going absolutely crazy. and now, friends, it's time to take the xanax and see that doctor i've been meaning to see... but, i did sing.
softly, at first. and i thought i could hear him breathing near me. and somehow inside these walls the breeze started. and i could hear the invisible symphony once again wrap itself around me...and i became acutely aware of another in the room. another voice i'd been listening to. another familiar song that had been singing to me. the one who whispered to that girl i saw in my reflection in the water. that one who encouraged starvation. the one who sung me lies as lullabyes as i cried myself to sleep. the one who would lick my wounds of self-hatred. the one i let keep me there. the one who delighted in seeing me turn cold. turn to bones. who draped me in my blankets of shame. covered me in ashes and put me in my place...
and that fury of misdirected mistrust flew back up in me. this time redirected to her oppressive melancholy hands pushing down on my shoulders and suffocating my heart with anxiety.
and singing all the while, a laughter crept into my bones, and i looked her dead in the eye...and this time i refused to cower and bend. this time, i wasn't timid with my words of agreement. this time, i screamed and shook like a leaf so overwhelmed by a rage i've never felt. this time i said, 'no more'. this time i said, 'you will not have me a day longer'.
my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
so i sang along again.
it was then, my little voice disappeared into a sound so loud that it became almost like a shout. but more like a million invisible voices shouting in unison. it then began to crescendo into a roar. like the kind aslan makes... not in the films. not even close but in cs lewis' head where he tried to explain it to all of us for the first time.
the roar rose louder and louder... and i realised i hadn't been alone with her. he'd been there the whole time. and this thundering, overwhelming, powerful sound was his voice. it was like the fury of the greatest love that could ever exist was being unleashed in a sound and when she heard it,
she fled from me.
well, she tried anyway.
because just as she turned, the walls were unable to contain the sound. and they fell and they crushed her.
and then,
everything was so still. i had fallen down in my bed. exhausted. all the walls had crumbled. armies buried beneath the wreckage.
all was quiet. inside and out.
i felt him come close. i could feel him breathing.
he blew away my ashes.
and he whispered, "come awake."
and i've opened my eyes for what feels like the first time...
the girl i saw in the water was now the ashes being swept away on the wind.
and the girl i saw dancing in his eyes came to life.
and once again, nothing is the same.
everything's changed.
and it's beautiful here...
