Saturday, August 28, 2010

time will tell all... but it isn't a fast talker.

patience is usually considered one of the worst words ever made up. but, i have decided, i want more of the stuff. i'm tired of seeing it as a negative... like, oh... you want more patience? you clearly are a glutton for punishment. think the over-zealous monk types who scourge themselves in penance for their sins. bleh.
ok but think about this...

  • you know when you sit down to tell someone a story and they just jump to conclusions throughout the whole thing? it's like they never react to what you're saying, because they are trying to figure out what you could possibly come out with next?
  • or most microwavable foods. so fast. so easy. it's good microwave pizza! om nom nom.
    yeah and what happens when you turn on that oven or go to the italian place with the old school italian wood fire oven... yeah you multiply your wait time by like 20, but how does it taste?
  • or my favourite thing in the world... traffic. you can think about where you need to be whilst fuming about the hecticness of the day you've had... and miss an opportunity to call some people and catch up while having nothing else to do... or get lost in that album you've been meaning to sit down and really listen to.
  • power nap vs. no-place-to-be-saturday-morning sleep in.
  • we get impatient with ourselves when our hearts don't heal fast enough... so we rush into another relationship to get over the last one. only to find out we've probably set ourselves up for heartache bigstyle, because we've forgotten to be intentional with our love rather than reactionary.
  • we're impatient with our bodies and go on crazy fad diets to lose a bunch of weight. and thennn, you gain it back...
  • we're impatient with saving money, so we borrow and have to pay back more than we'd ever imagine...
impatience always carries a pricetag. stress. money. the time of going back to do it again. more pain. just more ridiculousness.

love and patience are impossible to separate, because love is a slow reveal. there is no time lapse footage to see how a flower opens. and in order to get that time lapse footage, someone had to set up the camera and wait... so often, i'm too busy replaying/rehashing and over-analyzing the past while putting myself through mental trauma of worst-case-scenario-ing the future. don't get me wrong, it's smart to look ahead. and it's real smart to look back every so often. but, i have these situations where i'm just about to get excited, and i'm unable to, because i am afraid that the shadows of the past will block out the light. often i'm scared to enjoy good things because i'm afraid it will be taken away.
bottom line is, you don't want to be hurt again, and so you start protecting yourself from that possibility... and love is too bloody dangerous, so we do what C.S. Lewis describes and bury our hearts in an airtight coffin and hide away in hell. Which is SUCH a good time... yeah not so much.
so fearful... you don't get to enjoy much of anything, which is heartbreaking, because every single day is ripe with flavour... waiting for you to savour it.

i was talking to a friend the other day... and she was saying that she just didn't know what to do. and she was so anxious and so fearful. and gosh it made so much sense, because you just want to make everything work out right... and i found these words coming out of my mouth... "don't do anything out of a motivation of fear. chase after peace. if you're talking out of fear then, be silent. if you're being silent out of fear, then speak. and if you don't know the difference, then simply wait."

or in the words of radiohead, "hey man, slow down."
don't be afraid little sheep. psalm 23.
yes.yes.y'all. and we don't stop.

1 comment:

MeLissa said...

And yet again...
Last night was a rough night for me and it ended with my prayers sounding a lot like this "Well how come THEY get to...[fill in any scenario you can imagine, I was pretty whiny last night].

And this morning the assurance of waiting just kept coming up. The thing I have to remind myself is that I'm not waiting because God forgot about me. I'm waiting because he mostly definitely has me in mind and the good thing is on it's way, it's just not here yet.