I would love nothing more than to turn this mish-mash of feelings into an eloquent speech, or into a rhyme or some grand metaphor. But, today I am tired and plain speech is necessary.
I feel incredibly misunderstood. I'm tired, I'm scared about all of the upcoming changes. I'm frustrated by the lack of mobility in my music career... and I need encouragement and truckloads of laughter. Oh and oceans of grace... besides the other things. But, people wonder if I'm angry at them. People are getting the wrong impression of me. People are pushing and pulling and wanting so much from me and wondering why this 'yes woman' is hesitant and wants to say 'no.' I'm trying to become a work-a-holic for the next couple of weeks so that I don't come to financial ruin with the London trip and the big move. But I've got the wanderlust and this is hard. I miss my friends and just want to be a few steps ahead, rather than in the present. (Hi. I just preached to myself.)
Sometimes, I just want to say... really?! This past year or two has been like a field-trip to hell on God's magic school bus. Which is great, because He's driving this outfit and knows where we're going. But, it's already taxing enough, as it is, to stay in the grip of grace, to cling to hope like the edge of a cliff, to pursue love when all you want to do is shutdown and hide for a very long time. When you're so well acquainted with crying that laughter feels foreign. And no, you're not being dramatic, you're just pressing through... healing... Add to this the whole wake up at 4:15AM thing and DC/Metro/Northern Virginia rush-hour traffic every day. Best case scenario, I'm driving just under 2 hours each day. Worst case scenario (i.e. - Friday), it took an hour to get to work and 4 to get home. I could've been to NYC. Not a casual long drive, but an arduous one filled with stress factors. Add to this, the fact that I'm trying to run my international music career. Sounds cocky as anything, but I assure you, apart from the trips to London and the accents which are now like a security blanket to me, the business part is less than fun, right now. Trying to do all of this and run a tight ship with your passion can be taxing, to say the least. Especially when it feels nothing will move and no one will cooperate. You don't know what else to do but ask for help, but you find yourself in the waiting room filled with 50 people who are waiting on the same thing... and it's awkward. And you just need someone to call your name and believe in you or give you directions to someone who will believe in you...so you can lock arms and begin world domination. Ok. not world domination, but you know what I mean... :)
OH and there's crazies in your neighborhood knocking on doors and holding people at gunpoint to rob their houses.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love the feeling that my heart is going to explode from my chest just walking to my car in the morning?
Then there's all this heartache/healing/overcoming.
Then there's family and trying to be a good daughter/grandaughter/etc.
Then there's loneliness, so there isn't a whole lot of running from things (very good.) but it is nice to take a breather and check out for a few minutes... but you're always doing that on someone else's time. (not so good.)
And so now, you're stretched beyond what you thought you ever could be and your desire is to pour yourself out with joy. But then, someone wants something else from you... or you wake up early every morning, do overtime on saturday morning and sunday is your only day to sleep in, and you get guilted for not going to church or helping with this music or this side project... or it's taken personally that you're not at this place or that place.
Pushy men you're not attracted to come along and people wonder why you're so opposed to their heavy advances, cos lots of people think it's romantic. But it's not. It's gross. [DISCLAIMER - if i answer your phone calls or text with you on the regular, it isn't you - END OF DISCLAIMER]
Or those dumb things that just get under your skin which haven't in a really long time... and you find yourself being jealous of the ridiculous people who always win... the fickle ones who always sweet talk and worm their way back into beautiful trusting hearts, while you are just waiting. just offering love to them. offering a safe harbour and you are labeled as a terrorist threat. really?!
Or when someone doesn't understand why you're so strongly opposed to hanging out or doing something on week nights...
Why can't you just move to London?
Why can't you just come here for a day?
Why can't you stay longer?
How much debt do you actually have?
Why don't you go on American Idol? (hehehehehe. oh comic relief.)
A thousand things you're tired of explaining... You're just trying to keep everything in balance and be responsible and not let anyone down. But you do. Constantly, it seems. because someone, somewhere is dissatisfied... and you just want to literally throw your shoes at people and say:
"HERE! WALK IN THEM! IM TRYING! If there's a way to do this better, THEN SHOW ME!"
Because try as I might to find my acceptance and rest in Love Himself, I still have this tendency to be a bit of a people pleaser. It is hard when you are giving 200% and it simply isn't enough. You relax with someone or drop the ball here or there and then you feel utterly guilt-ridden. When you have a perfectionist element, it all goes awry.
I am tired and so the amplifier for my emotions has been plugged in and turned up to 11.
This is what happens when I don't get sleep.
This is why I act like an old person and don't come to your things.
Otherwise I get sick and weepy and start writing posts like this.
I need a hug and a nap. And to remember I'm somebody's favourite girl. To remember I'm ok just like this. To remember I'm beautiful and so is my heart. I need to talk with Clive or Chris who are always excited it's me on the phone...
And if you've read to this point, then thanks for listening, guys. I needed this too.