Sunday, September 26, 2010


you know those times where you come home from being someplace or doing something with certain people, and you get ready to shut down and head to bed... and you take your makeup off or get out of that fancy dress or release the skinny jeans or kick off the shoes or... whatever that looks like. and some nights you're extra exhausted and analysing the role you've just played. the performance you've just made for everyone.

then there are times when you come home exhausted, because you're just plain tired and you've had a good time. but your heart feels so full, because you were yourself completely.

tonight was one of those nights.

my heart is on the brink of exploding with thanksgiving to be surrounded by a good group of girls in this town who i am able to be myself with...
and being around them, makes me realise i'm wonderful just the way i am. the focus is on making light of everything else. the focus is on laughing and being random. the focus is on one another, rather than walking around with a compact mirror honing in my blemishes and imperfections. the focus is just us being who we are and enjoying life and the company we're keeping.

so i would just like to say to the girls and to the boys i've lifted up on some ridiculous and highly inappropriate pedestal... to the ones i give undue authority to cause me to pass judgement on myself... i'm sorry. it's not my job to worry so very much about the way you perceive me. it isn't my life purpose to gain your acceptance. 'words of affirmation' is definitely one of my love languages, but i'm sorry that sometimes i rely on your doling out of affirmation or withholding to define my worth. that's a whole lot of pressure. i'm sorry i over-analyse everything you say and am unable to hear your heart. i'm sorry i've been so self-obsessed that i can't even see what you're about. this is silly. unfortunately, these things take a bit of time. but i'm going to do my very best to just be... be here now. be myself. stop hiding, stop creating someone else... and just enjoy you. enjoy the day. and be enjoyed.
i want to give you the space to be who you are and the room to become.
i want you to be able to respond the way you want to. which means you may even decide you don't want my heart. and that scares me, sometimes... but i don't want to allow fear to cripple me and keep me hidden and unable to love.
i want to love you better.
one day at a time.


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