Saturday, September 25, 2010

cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean?

i have the craziest/scariest/weirdest dreams sometimes. i'll not call them nightmares exactly, because i usually wake from them with the strangest sense of calm and clarity... immediately beginning to understand the metaphors in much of them. quite often, these dreams are a way of organizing the puzzle pieces in my brain and heart that i've not been able to sort through.

i'm also in dire need of breakfast/brunch/lunch coupled with the fact that i'm pretty positive i'm allergic to smoke and am suffering the after-affects of being in a smokey room last night. (albeit having a grand time in that smokey room)

one dream involved my being followed around by a very weird man... an old man with a particular older european car that i think i've seen in photo shoots. i'll say that he was a bit of a hannibal lector which is frightening enough on its own... and i knew he wanted to kill me, even though he never aggressively did anything but just follow me around and show up in places i wished he wouldn't. i woke up with this realisation that i'm afraid of the past repeating itself in quite a few different ways. after all of this progress and growth, i still get scared that love and good things will be outrun by some unhappy tragedy in every season.

but instead of falling into despair, i feel like it's just a friendly reminder. sort of like an alarm going off that trust levels are getting low. "NiTasha, you know where this gets you... you've let go of this fear motivation..." Just a gentle reminder that fear will do nothing but eat me alive and hinder everything i do. i needed that.

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