Friday, June 19, 2009

and as it fell from the sky i asked myself why can i never let anyone in?

I have never before been in a place where I have questioned so much.
I have never before had so much mistrust. Ever doubtful. Ever suspicious.
I trust no one.I’ve always been this wide-eyed girl full of wonder and hope. Always trying to be better at loving. Always trying to be better at seeing the best in people. Brimming with hope. Ready to begin again. I’ve lost it. Or misplaced it, as someone suggested. However, I really do want to find it again. I’ve never felt so strange. It’s neither hot or cold. Just numb. Just a dormant place where something fantastic is buried...but now sleeping. And, every so often a rage comes flying out… and every so often sorrow comes flooding…

This isn’t the result of one or two current situations. This isn’t simply a bout with PMS. This is a cumulative response to one too many hits and bruises and knocks and breaks and falls and f* ups. And I totally get, that on the adventure of life, this is how it goes. There are stories some of you know about. There are stories none of you ever will. I don’t feel the world owes me anything. I don’t have a chip on my shoulder or stay in the defensive stance. I’m enough of a realist to recognize this is temporary. I also recognize that more heartache, blood, sweat, tears and mistakes will happen in the years ahead of me. However, something has snapped. Something is shutting down. Something has gone dreadfully amiss in me. No matter how much you forgive and choose to forget and all of these wonderful things. We all have a breaking point, and I have reached mine. That’s all there is to that.

In the midst of all of this, there are some wonderful people who are bent on loving me through. They aren’t afraid of my crying. They aren’t shocked when I start swearing like a Guy Ritchie script. They hold me when I’m shaking. They take the blows when I’m swinging. They aren’t afraid of my darkness. And there are some wonderful people who sit me down and remind me what I mean to them. They tell me I’m beautiful. They let me know I matter. I wish I could explain how that overwhelms me with peace…
I wish I could explain what a soft shock that is to my system.
But then, the fact that it is a shock at all causes me to get angry beyond words. Why is it shocking to know I’m loved and loved deeply? I’m not a horrible person. But that’s not what I have been believing about myself for years. And I’m real real real tired of beating myself up for being a flawed human. For not measuring up. For not being good enough.And, who the hell are these people I’ve rolled out the red carpet for in my life, to the doors of my heart… who I allow to make me feel like I’m utterly worthless and useless. I’m sick and tired of being used. Of being made to feel like a fool or a disloyal whore when I’m not. (“They get what they want and they never want it again.”) Again... I’m not perfect…and I recognize I try way too hard to be. I do care what you think. The closer you are to me, the more your opinion matters. I’m a girl who needs words of affirmation. And so, words, for me, carry the most weight. However, I know I love hard. I know I love beyond my means, sometimes. I try to be the best I can to everyone I care about. But it’s like, I give my best, and pour myself out all over the place in friendships, relationships, romantic sorts of things, music, work, etc. etc. etc. because I want to. But the question I’m struggling with isn’t “when will I be compensated for my giving?” My question is, why isn’t that enough? Why is my best not good enough? Why do I continually get put aside, taken advantage of and kicked to the curb? I feel like if you act a certain way, you get certain things back. But the rules of ‘karma’ do not apply. I offer buckets of grace and forgiveness, and when I need grace or mercy or forgiveness or whatever, it isn’t available. “I am too much or not enough”

Which brings me back to the key point…
Is it ever gonna be enough?

I’m tired. I’ve snapped. And I apologize right now if I become distant or a little less thoughtful or a little more emotional or a little less patient or a little more blunt… I’m sorry. I’m just trying to work through this one day at a time. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I love you, so. I’m just trying to sort this out.

One more time… thanks to those of you who are a wall of arms around me. You know who you are. =)

No comments: