tickity-tock and other late night ramblings.

• i'm exhausted again.
• i'm disgusted with a couple of people. but that's only because i'm super protective of people i love. 3rd person offenses are dumb, but real.
• i wish i wasn't such a fire-cracker sometimes. i am a serious pistol when mad.
• i like john legend. there i said it.
• ever heard a pakistani boy sing like michael jackson and daniel johns from silver chair? i have. i was held hostage on my way out of the gym by the manager and other staff members for a sing-off in the foyer. the most hilarious/awkward thing i've experienced in a long time.
• i wonder when i'll meet boys who aren't sheep in wolves clothing. or just blatant wolves looking for a good time. (not related to the above randomness)
• my grandma said something about my getting married and i almost gagged. she said something about my music career and my heart skipped a beat. music is my boyfriend. yessssah!
• still nervous bout london.
• recording wednesday! yay! (it's refreshing to know i have to narrow the song choices down.) being productive is good.
• should be sleeping as i'm going to be helping out with this program involving mothers and their young children tomorrow morning. hooray for baby time. language barriers should be interesting though.
• i miss my babies. we had no language barrier. we communicated in at least 4 languages. i also need some hugs and kisses.
• i just watched that special on britney spears. i was curious?
  

say that you'll stay a little.

"show me that you love me. show me that you walk with me."

i have absolutely no photos from this past weekend. what kind of a rubbish girl am i?! right, so friday morning i made my way to manassas to see kim!!! so good. so wonderfully good. she was in town with 1/2 of her housemate couple, courtney. they were visiting courtney's best friend who's moved back to virginia recently from nyc. this friend of hers also happens to be an amazing stylist AND i'll be seeing her thursday morning before my departure, which is quite convenient. watch out now! then, there was the trip to the outhouse, i mean, refrigerated bathroom of this mexican restaurant. and then, we had lunch (a snack for me) on john legend's tab (thanks john). the girls drove back to nyc, and i was green with envy at the fact that they were speeding off to see a harry connick jr. show that night. but not too jealous, as i spent the evening with my mom and grandma which was absolutely delightful.

i've decided to bite the bullet and work at Geico. i think i need the security of the situation right now more than the flexibility...to get myself out of this straight-jacket of debt. it's not insurmountable, but it's just enough to make me crazy. and i've been making just not enough to do away with it. so that's that. i start on the 15th.

fingers crossed it works out to get into the studio before leaving for london thursday night. there are some new songs i'd like to get demo'd before i get there.
which brings me to panic prevention.
i do this thing where just before a big change or a big trip or the fulfillment of something i've been waiting on for absolutely ages, i freak out. just get scared out of my mind, like a bachelor on the starting line ready to sprint from commitment. i have it in my head that everything is going to go dreadfully wrong and somehow i'm going to be kicked to the curb and left out in the cold. of course this is absolutely unfounded and silly, as the overwhelming responses filling my inboxes would attest. (gosh, i'm really blessed to have some sweet friends.) nonetheless, i'll probably be horridly sick all day thursday. oh my sweet little irrational fears keeping me company. too afraid to be excited. that's what i think it boils down to. and then, by the end, i'll be weeping cos i have to leave. i am excited/nervous about some meetings, topshop and markets (so maybe i can own a few items without holes in them.), writing with friends, seeing london with friends... just BEING with friends. and this time i'll do my very best to take more photos.

i'm so sleepy. i'm not sleeping very well at night. butterflies are keeping me awake! and new songs are swirling in my head. lyrics. rhythms. and i love it! but i need some rest. my body is exhausted... as of late i average about 3 miles a day on the elliptical usually 6 - 7 days a week. and that doesn't include the weight training and other isolated exercises. now to just keep it up up up!

my grandma is singing 'my favourite things' at the top of her lungs downstairs.
she makes me laugh.
i'm off to bed. to sleep this time, i hope!

tell me a story, write down your secrets, and play this music as loud as can be...

so um, i guess you could say it came true.
next friday morning will be looking somewhat like this...

someone is happy.

that someone is me.

how's that for last minute booking?

and i wonder, louie, have you got room for me?

i've got secrets up my sleeves. and im hopin and wishin and prayin that they come true, so i can tell you so.
also, my heart strings got pulled today, and it squeezed too tight.
sleep deprivation is a sneaky little thing...and now, i'm being ambushed!

I either want to look like an excellently dressed boy or a kitten from the 1960s...

oh alexa freakin' chung.
can i be absolutely unoriginal for 30 seconds and say, that i'd like this for christmas?

thanks, i'm done.
so, all of this time on my hands leaves a lot of room for 4 things...

• working on music
• going to the gym
• reading
• thinking

sleeping has dropped from my list of priorites. and so has coffee drinking, actually. hmmm. i went to the gym tonight, came home and was absolutely amped out of my mind. i put on some bbc (bombay bicycle club), the rifles, and early maccabees and just jumped around faux-dancing to make my mom and grandma laugh for ages. i'm still not tired.
and i find myself lying awake in bed all night just reading til my eyes refuse to focus, or i toss and turn with unfinished song ideas on the raging seas of self-analyzing thoughts.
but, as i said in an earlier post, i feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years! and while this is absolutely liberating, it's also a bit perplexing. i have so many different facets that make up who i am, and i've been trying to figure out where that fits in with the world around me... trying to delete the bits i don't like, or that may not be as popular or whatever the heck i was thinking. lately, it feels like a season of self-discovery. embracing all of these facets. all of these colours. grasping the edges of the fact that i have all of these pieces for a reason. to stop picking the parts i love and heralding them and picking the parts i hate and burying them. but to just be ok with all of these things. be ok with the fact that i am a work in progress. to revel in the fact that i am an intricately designed creation... and stop trying to fit myself into the mold of another or limit myself because i'm unsure of what i see...or how i think others perceive me.

in short...'i need to be myself. i can't be no one else'
ah, so simple and yet, so true. what is this quote the gallaghers week?!
'i'm feeling supersonic, you can have it all but, how much do you want it?'
exactly.
and finally... words like 'perceive' remind me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_wOXkZ6OSw

it's like hearing my favourite song...

it plays... i can't stop listening. all the world is as it was meant to be seen. and everytime i blink, i see it all over again for the first time.
and you tell me, i am even more beautiful than all of this. and i know you mean it.
my eyes lower and i remember...

the memory of this one and that one becomes one face. a handsome face i would dote upon with the swaying motion of a school girl's first crush. my heart flutters and hiccups at his affectionate attention. i search his eyes, but they're good at telling stories, and i, foolish girl, love reading them. and he gazes back at me, pupils dilated in a drunken haze of passion as lovers do, but he never sees past my skin and bones. i am simply a prize to be won. he says all the right words, but it's all been said before to countless other girls. i'm not the first to see this broadway performance. and if, deep down, i knew that, i never wanted to believe it was true. i made-believe it was opening night for a special audience of one.
or perhaps it's him... the unwanted gaze from that over-eager friendly face. his eyes roaming, diverting, planning, pretending to be thoughtful, while undressing and laying me bare. no matter what face, what name. they are all one in the same. but all those...
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
words.words.words.words.words.words.words.
so easy. so sure. disarming all alarms. words. empty and all of them meaningless in his conquest, to make himself feel more like a man, not to make me feel his love. because, in his eyes i'm as money. he'll stop at nothing to get it, and once he's won with that hand, he'll up the stakes and play for more. the last pot of winnings forgotten, and on to the next. if at first he doesn't succeed, he moves to the next phase like a shrewd businessman...hungry rich fool panting for more. and so, now he looks long enough to learn the lines that are etched into the heart on my sleeve. for no other reason than, it's the groundwork for the deal. unbeknownst to me, of course... and so he takes his time, his venom coated in honey lures me further in. and he'll stop at nothing until he finds my moment of weakness. he makes an offer drenched in lies, and hopes i won't refuse. maybe i don't. and maybe i do. i did. but my answer irrelivant, he'll take what he came for anyway.
and when it's over, as he walks me to his door, he'll convince me it was all my own doing...and it is he who is the victim of my ruthless ambition to conquer a poor warm-blooded man. the door closes.
and everytime i sink to the ground.
and here comes the shame.
here comes the fear.
and another vow to myself that i will never let him get me again.

and as quickly as the memory comes, you speak, and it all flies away... almost as though it can't get away from your voice fast enough. forgotten like ashes scattered across the sea on the winds that feel like the sound of your name.
it's like hearing my favourite song... it plays... i can't stop listening. all the world is as it was meant to be seen. and everytime i blink, i see it all over again for the first time. and you tell me, i am even more beautiful than all of this. and i know you mean it.
i lift my eyes and now, i believe you. and i cannot remember any other face.

think of all the fellas that i haven't kissed. next year i could be just as good, if you'd check off my christmas list...

my ultimate christmas gift involves...
boarding.

landing at my favourite destination.

(photo by dan shearman. soooo good, huh?)
being in somekindawonderful situation where everything is sorted. including my music visa.

so i'm moving in here...

into a modest flat reminiscent of this... (sans the furnishings of course.)

overlooking regents canal. less than a 5 minute walk from kings cross station. and not too far from camden town.

with a bathroom that has a huge bathtub in it and a place for candles and all of those things.

and all of my family and friends coming to see it.
then, i could be near my english friends (and french and german and swiss and italian and greek) all the time. and people could have a place to stay, so they wouldn't have to rush off in the middle of the night to catch the last train. and i'd write and record my songs, and people would buy them...and i'd get into all the other things i'd love to do...like fashion and photography and film. my family would be taken care of financially. my mom wouldn't have to work anymore, except for doing things she loves. my grandma could have her little getaway spot in myrtle beach.

a mac computer and a new camera to keep everyone up to speed.

and winston

to keep me warm til my love comes.

this is my favourite dream.

the one i wish for every single day of my life.

back to reality. oh, there goes gravity...

job hunting and decisions have my head in a horrible whirl. i'm finding myself having the most horrid dreams and consequently bad sleep and panicked feelings and all of those sorts of things. i'm working out almost every day, so it isn't my lack of physical activity! not one job option seems to be cut and dry. for example, one job is going to pay more money than i've ever been paid, but the hours aren't very nice and apart from weekends, i wouldn't be able to travel at all. WHICH is one of the little reasons i wanted to go home in the first place.
and then there's the waiting game. waiting waiting waiting to hear from everyone, and then trying to make a decision based on what i hear. in one sense it would be wonderful to make a crapload of cash. but then, what's it all for, if i'm not able to really do music as much as i'd like?!

yep. i'm overwhelmed.

also, there are some african refugees living down the street. i found out today that some kids have been taking it upon themselves to gang up on a couple of these refugee kids as they get off the bus at the end of the day. i'm still angry about it. these kids have gone through so much. soooo much! and then, they come here, and are going through such a huge adjustment... and get to be beat up as they leave a school bus because...oh wait! there is no reason for it!
i got so angry i just started crying.
why am i such a mess?!
i talked to jordan & aaron last night, my heart melted, i hung up the phone and i started crying.

i am, though, looking forward to colleen coming, oasis + ryan adams in december, and hopefully getting to nyc to see dan and guy!!!

now if only i can devise a plan to get myself to london.

uuuuuggggghhhhh!

waiting for the day you're not looking for something else.

once upon a time...
i was in manchester at the 'in the city' festival thing. i was with my, then boyfriend, his friend and flatmates, and we watched a short set by the rifles. i'd just been introduced to their music, and i was fond them already, but seeing them live was even better. i remember going up to their singer afterward and telling him how much i loved his tunes, at which point he just gaped at me excitedly and said, 'what are you doing here?!' as in, what was i doing there all the way from america. we chatted briefly and parted ways.
i liked them then.
i like them still.
good songs make my day, these days.


last night, my mom and i had a free session each with a personal trainer.
today, i can hardly move.
where do i sign up?

p.s. - why on earth do i go ahead and watch things like law & order svu?? now, i'll never get to sleep! gah!

on how to be lovely...

this is pretty much what it felt like at the library today.

i knew precisely what i wanted and couldn't find it.
because everything was a hot mess. literally.
it was so hot. and such a mess. i go to check out the one book i managed to find... then, to top it all off, after being away nearly 5 years, i apparently owe $10 in fines.
oh, God bless the library.
and this?

this, i can't even talk about.
i quit.
i'll stick with my british vogue...

thanks very much.

well, you better not get in my way. cos i'm tryin, tryin, i'm so tired of tryin.

i'm on the elliptical thinking, "i'll probably keep it short and do 20 minutes. " cnn was on. blah blah. blah. essentially. oh no, wait. there WAS the story about the new ad for an adultry service. like, a dating service for married people to cheat. awesome. then, there was the story about the couple getting a divorce because the husband was having an alleged affair in 'second life'. (that takes place online). also, awesome. at this point, i'm nearing 20 minutes and just about to wrap things up, when a little message flashes across the bottom of the screen that there was a stabbing incident at the Urban Music Awards in London.

i was so annoyed, i kept going another 15 minutes.
i've learned the news IS the best thing to have on while working out. pay attention long enough and something is bound to upset you and cause you to work harder. though, i'm far happier with america's next top model marathons, thanks.

i simply remember my favourite things and then i don't feel so bad.

Esser.


thanks to a very "sexual drummer", and a couple of photographers i'm absolutely aching for london. i mean, i'm always partially there, i think. but, then there are times when i can't even stand it. my little heart bursting in my chest for it... and with each beat, it seems a rush of memories to the head. another face, i'm tired of missing.
at least, i don't have to miss colleen's face too much longer! countdown til december. finally someone is coming to visit.
but, in the meantime, i really wish it wasn't nearly 3.00am london time. or for that matter 4.00 vienna time. i wish your phone was working...er rather that it were cheaper to talk on international roam. i wish i was there! because, if i may put it precisely as mister gallagher, "i wanna talk tonight..."
i wrote a new song about one of those faces. my long lost bff, if you will. he would.
i will leave out all of the disclaimers of inadequacy... and just let you see the page from the notebook, already:

at angel station

we started conversation

that wrapped around the town

til they all gathered round

did you even see them?

cos, i couldn't see them

gazing at the man who

almost touched the ceiling

oh oh, i just wanna say...

walked to some new places

passed some painted faces

learned nothing was open

standing in the cold and

waiting for the number

still shivering under

that february night

wrapped up in city light

oh oh, i just wanna say...
i like you 'when the strings come in'
and when you put your paper to pen
talking on the telephone
singing songs by cass mccombs
call me crazy if you like
you're probably just plain right
all of this is just to say
i like you, anyway.

he charged me a fortune

just to get back in

and sleep for a moment

it's already morning

planes are taking off and

we could still be talking

staring at the ocean

wondering where i'm going

oh oh, i just wanna say

i like you 'when the strings come in'

and when you put your paper to pen

talking on the telephone

singing songs by cass mccombs

call me crazy if you like

you're probably just plain right

i just wanna talk tonight

can we just talk tonight

and alright lets go outside and rise rise rise to the meaning of life.

sometimes i think it would be nice to be somebody else.
then, i think that would be the worst idea ever.
mostly i wish i could see myself the way my family sees me.

apparently, i'm trying to catch pneumonia... i went job hunting today, and my cloth shoes were soaked in the cold rain.
and sometimes i wish i was better at waiting.
this unemployment thing is causing me to be an absolute wreck.
*edit*
and sometimes i have these rare moments of clarity, where i realise that i can choose to think things will work out. i can choose to accept the encouragement of my friends. i can choose to accept the love of my family...be humbled, and do the very best i can do. because, this too, will pass.
or.
i can sit and wallow in my own self-pity. which, i assure you, is what comes easiest.

and sometimes i have to make that choice more than once a day...
one day at a time.

curious george. xoxo.

has anyone else noticed that the soundtrack for Gossip Girl is pretty much the same as the playlists for nme radio/xfm london/zane lowe?

i'm not arguing. i'm just sayin, i've noticed.

on the street where you live...

Every year for the last 17 years, there has been this Fredericksburg Merchants Day. Many of the merchants in downtown Fredericksburg have a special sidewalk sale and other such things. Well, my old music school takes part each year, having the students perform on the sidewalk, and this year was no exception. I was pleasantly surprised, when my music teacher, Nackie, invited me to take part this year to sing and play a couple of songs. It was so good to see her again and all of the other teachers, as well. I love hearing the songs I used to play, and songs my classmates played. It's always sweet seeing the little kids that are really into it. The ones with hilarious personality. And then, I was utterly humbled, when 2 students, in particular, showed up early for their performance time, just to hear me sing and play. It was a really last minute thing, (my playing) and I can't even begin to explain how encouraging it was. Not to mention the loveliest e-mails and text messages I've received lately, from nyc, nashville, and across the sea... especially the phone calls from Amanda. =) But, this afternoon was, in fact, the icing on the cake. (and, if you know me, you'll be acutely aware that it is, in fact, my favourite part of the cake.) AND then... As strange as this may sound, I was encouraged by my own performance. Over the last couple of years, I feel my live-singing and playing has been incredibly weak in comparison to what it used to be... and if a gig went well, it was only because I'd been playing a couple of shows in a row, doing a lot of practicing, add a dash of adrenaline, ok, make that a gallon of it...and voila! I'd be moderately pleased. I'm excited to see a change in the strength of my voice, is what I'm really trying to say.
That, and I had such a wonderful time seeing and being with everyone again. More than this, I felt easy in my own skin. A feeling I never seemed to make stay while in Nashville, and I've yet to understand why...

random knowledge:

• i'm reading a book on julie andrews, and i am amazed. i like her, officially.
• rex harrison might not be as nice as i'd thought. hmmm.
• i watched a documentary on opium and it's derivatives.
• i then, gave my mom and grandma an opium/morphine/heroine lesson.
• i want my children to say things like "something has gone amiss!"
• Silvio Berlusconi makes me laugh, hailing Obama's suntan.
• i have one too. trust me, it's grand.

uh-mazing.

oh i believe in yesterday...

los campesinos pre-release in my inbox? oh please be amazing!

right. back to yesterday...
10 am. we're leaving the house. vote time. and nearly 3 hours, 3 voting locations, a voting mishap (yep. only me.), and a hello to someone i haven't seen in absolutely ages later, and i was finally finished... in my car sippin on a peppermint mocha twist. yum.
deeeelightful.
so my mom, grandma and i drove to montross, virginia...near george washington's boyhood home and robert e lee's birthplace... to this little restaurant called Yesterdays. i forgot how amazing their food is. i forgot how bad crabcakes are the farther i get from the coast. it was simply wonderful being with my mom & grandma...with no place we were rushing off to. just to be able to pick whatever we wanted from the menu, and enjoy every gorgeous bite, and sit and talk about whatever came to our heads.

last night there was rain. i went to the gym, and ran my guts out, then filled up my gas tank for $34.
ah, these are the days that i've been missin.
back home in time to snuggle down and drink up some hot chocolate with grandma.

it's the little things.

laughter is good medicine...

so i'm overdosing on snl.

i must find why my mind is behaving like a dancer.

I wonder why I'm like a little girl when watching 'Funny Face'. Hardly breathing, at times, hands clasped, and with a sigh in my voice saying something like, "Gosh! Isn't it all so lovely?!"
It happens all the time. Fact.
Also, I wonder if anyone else notices how reminiscent 'Devil Wears Prada' is of 'Funny Face'?

I had a dream last night and Johnny Borrell was in it.
uh...
absolutely NO idea.

speaking of dreaming...
Goodnight.

in the last 24 hours...

i have:

• gone on a hay ride
• toasted marshmallows
• hunted for pumpkins in the dark
• run at least mile
• taken a ballet class and pilates class with my mom
• engaged in an international phone conversation
• stopped being stubborn and located the hands-free thing for my phone
• practiced piano until my wrists and hands ached
• written half a song
• officially misplaced my voter registration card AND a comb.
• had a couple of moments of deep sadness realizing how desperately i miss some people. (and halloween/birthday celebrations in nashville. hohum.)

and now it's move the clocks back time! which is, apart from greenwich meantime and christmastime, perhaps one of my favourite times of the year.

happy pumpkins and spooks, and saints day.