Wednesday, February 8, 2012

writers block. [build a wall]

The other day, I came home from work to an empty house... I mean, except for the pitbull babies. With the TV not in use and all to myself, I was preparing to get caught up on Gossip Girl. I made it through maybe 10 minutes when I could feel the invisible eyes of my keyboard burning holes in me. So, I turned off the show and prepared to finally let my heart sing some things out. I'd start playing a few chords... come up with an idea and then, nothing. Enter my usual self-critique... nah, that's too sad... this sounds odd... ohhh. now we're getting somewhere! but this melody is crap. bleeeeeeh. On and on it went, until I just sat there playing around... moving from one key to another with a lump building in my throat that wouldn't seem to come out.

i hate these moments with such a passion.

It drives me mad when I can feel an ocean full of waves swirling just beneath the surface. When the clouds of my atmosphere are full and you can smell the rain of creativity about to come...
but it doesn't actually spill.
or maybe only a couple of drops.
Like a woman with labour pains.
It's ready, but it isn't coming.

And when it doesn't come pouring out, self doubt will rush in to fill the space.

It feels like real love songs are few and far between.
Like artists have become afraid of being sappy... of expressing their love for someone because they're afraid of turning around and having to take it back. Afraid that the love song will just lead to another song about heartache and loss.
Or lots of artists just remove love from the equation and it's all a bunch of 'lust songs'.
Or when all else fails, sing it in 3rd person.

So many of the great songwriters had these lifelong loves. And they weren't afraid to write about them... and keep writing, because it keeps growing... and the depths are fathomless.

Sometimes I wonder if writers block is really just a bunch of fears and insecurities we've allowed ourselves to hide behind.

What things do we have a habit of taking for granted... being a bit less appreciative than we should... what causes us to keep our hearts open only to a minimum because we are afraid of losing something or being hurt?

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