1: art machine. [or doldrums vs. equatorial calms]

dol·drums [dohl-druhmz, dol-, dawl-]
–noun ( used with a plural verb )
1. a state of inactivity or stagnation, as in business or art:
August is a time of doldrums for many enterprises.
2. the doldrums,
a. a belt of calms and light baffling winds north of the equator between the northern and southern trade winds in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
b. the weather prevailing in this area.
3. a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits.

Origin:
1795–1805; obs. dold stupid ( see dolt) + -rum ( s ) (pl.)
n. suffix ( see tantrum)
—Synonyms
3. depression, gloom, melancholy, dejection.

oh hello dictionary. could there be a word any more fitting for this season? this neverending season? i exaggerate. there is an end. but, even etymology realises it's stupid. STUPID. storms and stillness. going nowhere, but needing to be somewhere. it's also known for the equatorial calms. this is what happens when perspective steps in.

i need some wind in these sails. i got a loaded ship. perishable items (i.e. music career). mannnnn.
i'm knocking on doors, and no one is answering. i'm seeking and i'm not finding.
i'm doing all that i know to do... and the work of my hands/voice/heart/errrrythang feels like it's failing.
i'm sure as heck not giving up or giving in. but it's beyond frustrating.
especially, when you are just standing against a wall, brimming with excitement, waiting to be picked...and you just keep getting passed over.
patience & perseverance.
wonderful. i'm just frustrated by the lack of breakthrough.
[and now for some lessons in narnia]
i never understood why everyone was so upset about nonstop winter in narnia with the white witch. i mean, she was definitely a mean one - super grinch. ok, more than that. straight evil. but, i was madly in love with snow as a kid. probably because it rarely happened in fredericksburg. (i still am after a couple of proper blizzards) it just clicked, though. winter is magical because of christmastime and all that. (in narnia witchy said no christmas... so that in itself is LAME.) but it needs to happen. a time to rest and go inside and slow down. i heard rob bell once say, that maybe there's something to be learned from nature, when it takes a rest... slows down... just for a season. everything dies, or goes into a coma-like sleep. and in spring, it just bursts forth with a newness. so imagine being stuck in winter. stuck in a season of sleep, but without the sugarplum fairies dancing in your head and visions of the future. no end to the death... no springtime resurrection. that will kill your hope in a big way. it steals your heart. in a word, it sucks.
i've done my very best to embrace this season. but i'm bursting at the seams. it feels frightfully long. and i'm aching for spring.
again, i'm not giving up. i'm not despairing. just frustrated and putting my thoughts in a semi-ordered rant.
making my requests known.
surely this winter will be made into spring & something beyond wonderful will come of all this.

oh and if you know anyone who's got what it takes to captain this musical ship; i'll give them my coordinates.