Wednesday, July 28, 2010

we have signal.

Doing something extraordinary should never make complete sense to everyone in your life.
John Acuff

once upon a time, namely this morning, i stumbled across my friend Arley's friend MeLissa's blog. did you follow that? good. on it, there was the above quote, along with a lot of other ridiculously encouraging things. this morning, i needed some courage.

there are a lot of changes about to take place in my world... actually a lot of things are in the process of changing right now. funny, the plan was to move home and get out of debt, and that hasn't really happened. my finances are more organized, but the debt is still a mountain looming... and all the extra money has gone to chipping away at that mountain and to flights and recording and photoshoots and things of that nature. essentially to my music career. my plan was to be with my family and get built back up. lord. if i'd have had any idea what the last couple of years were going to be like... i would've thought you were reading me a cwtv drama script. what happened was the death of so many things... a refining... a time where a newness came to the relational dynamics of my family. what came was a time of grief that was unspeakable... and random adventures in music and in london that i am still glowing from. when the go-getter is learning to wait and persevere and be content in all things, you can't forget to keep your eyes on the prize. i think sometimes there has to be a knock at the door... vision has to show up holding hands with wisdom. and usually they'll hug you and give you some cabin fever. just to remind you not to get too comfortable in the waiting. maybe it's just to remind you of the need to find rest in the tension.

i've known for some time that i wanted to call nashville home on this side of the atlantic. i am still madly in love with london and i will run to her arms whenever she calls my name. coming home to virginia was necessary. absolutely vital. but it's time to pack up and create a home of my own. it's time to think outside of the box and get incredibly creative with this vision. it's time to give this one last run. everything has been dormant and sleeping and dying. i've been screaming and yelling at nature trying to stop winter from happening. i finally just laid my head down and went to sleep like a good little bear and let everything go. but i've just been stirred from my bed and the resurrection of spring is in the air. thing is, you don't wake up one morning and see the fullness of spring. growth is a gradual thing. you've got to see the spring before it arrives... and trust that the seeds are breaking beneath the soil.
and so i've taken weeks to think and reflect and discuss and pray and ponder and wish and resolve...
basically, it's time to get ready to go.
it's hard to do that. stepping back out into the unknown, on your own... away from family.
i am very much 2 people inside. i am a girl with massive dreams and goals... with an adventurous heart. i'm also a girl with very deep roots who just wants to be home.
i'm very very excited.
i am very afraid.
oh and just because it's time to start moving, doesn't mean i need to pick up my 3D glasses that provide my illusion of control.

and so, in the words of Nelson Mandela:

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."