I saw them in my dreams last night:
First you. Familiar face that stood for someone else. Tall, dark and gorgeous as per usual. I was the one you wanted. However, my defences were up. I wouldn’t give in. I couldn’t look you in the eye, and I don’t really know why. You were in such a hurry to announce to everyone that I was your girl. Believe me, everything wanted you to. It’s something that would make me giddy. Trumpets blown from the rooftops and romantic declarations and adventurous invitations. But my trust was cracked, and I wouldn’t believe you loved me. (In waking state this is so very something I’d do.) I wish I understood who you are. I wish I didn’t make you angry… no not angry… frustrated with my resistance. Because if this place in which I stand were a cliff inviting me to jump to the waters below, you’re the only one I’d jump for.
Then you showed up. There was a baby there too. I’ve seen her before, actually. She’s always the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. Every time she shows up and I try to explain her, I end up teary… and at a loss for words for expression of the depth of my love for her. I dote upon her in my sleep. I don’t even know her name. and back to you… wanting to come back to me. I’d hear nothing of it. But you’d recite my dreams and desires. Every time you have this way of making me overlook all I shouldn’t. Forgive and forget what’s already forgiven. But the keys to my heart, I cannot give you. will not give you. stop asking. The answer won’t change.
I wake up and this same old ghost is trying to scare me. And mostly you aren’t afraid anymore. But sometimes, when you least expect it, it speaks and you start listening. And you have to remember it’s just lying again.
My life feels a bit like a rubix cube. It’s not a frantic thing, it’s just you keep moving the pieces. Just looking at it. And thinking, maybe if I shift this? And you do, and it’s just about right, only to turn it over and see it’s all wrong. And you want to put it back on the shelf. But you really can’t. Like Pringles, once you pop you can’t stop. Or Lays – can’t eat just one.
This is probably because they, along with the rubix cube are laced with crack.
It should feel like an adventure. Instead, it’s an easter egg hunt with hidden eggs and the eggs are invisible.
Meanwhile, I’ve been listening to Godspeed you! Black Emperor.
Aaaand I’m kind of unable to stop.
Thanks, Gareth. xxxxxxxxxx