wildflowers. [an inner dialogue]

I think she's winning.
Or already won.
I'm not even sure why it's become a competition.
I didn't register for a competition.
I signed up for love.
I loved.
See it still beats love...
My heart heaving there on the floor...
covered in knife wounds.
And in the midst of all of the suffering here
In the recovery
In the trying
I am thrown in a race... running...
Fighting for my own given title
Fighting to keep my name
on my own damned track.
I am invisible and he is bewitched.
She is bewitching.
I hate it.
All of it.
White rage.
Black out.
I've lost consciousness.
I've lost some sort of grip.
No steadiness.
And so,
I came to
An ocean rushing in... slow and loud...
crescendo.
I sat there just letting it all wash over me.
Letting it all bleed out in tears.
Every heartbeat pulsing the ache.
Every vein carrying the pain.
Rushing.
Rushing.
Rushing.
and still so empty and hollow.
At least I can button my coat.
But I don't feel particularly warm.
Just cold all of the time.
And I wept... wept to free myself of it
Of the deep sadness
Trying to rid myself of it all...
and it won't go easily.
Our DNA strands got tangled.
I feel I'm killing my body trying to rid it of him.
Trying to turn myself inside out
So I give in... for a moment... just give in.
But we aren't ever alone here, are we...
Always a ghost.
A shadow.
The scent.
The laughter.
Looking over my shoulder.
Wondering.
My face, uncherished, won't glow
My lips, unkissed, won't turn upward
My heart, unwon won't sing anything but the blues
[Lament, you weary fool.]
My body unwanted buried in black.
My mind, tormented, paces like a madman in a cell.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Repeating back lies like incantations.
Seeing all for a while... seeing it all in plain sight like a silent oracle.
And still repeating lies.
[You unfortunate wretch.
They beg you to wake up.
An heiress dressed like a pauper.
A queen bowing to her king's cruel mistress
In her guilded cage of stockholm syndrome
Wake up, you sleeping fool.
Take this pill and carry on.]
I'll take nothing.
I want to feel it all
I want to feel the depths of these dark days.
But I'll no longer bow.
Leave me to grieve it, now.
But I'll rise.
I'll rise like a sun.
Like a scorned goddess plucked from the yawning jaws of death
by the hands of providence itself.
Let me weep here for a moment.
I'll take back all that is rightfully mine.
But for now, just you watch this terrible dance...
Just get lost in the sound.
Let the dreary symphony finish.
Let them revel.
Let them finish their spinning of lies.
The dawn will turn those words to dust,
and I'll have mine.
I'll have mine.
I'll have mine.
Just let me cry for a while longer.
Let me sleep, until I wake.
I'll awaken...
and a gentle hand will place a wildflower in my hair.
He'll say...
Come away
Come away
Come away.