I won't ever forget that night.
I remember an afternoon before, I was wandering round the old building in the cold trying to find my way in. I found a stairway down to this magical little patio that I'd never seen. All of my life... tucked away just there beneath the sidewalk... and my roving exploring eyes never noticed it. Just tucked beneath a garden with fairy lights everywhere. And as much as I adore autumn and winter, even I, for a moment, longed for spring. In seconds I'd painted this elaborate daydream... the voices... the sounds... the passing cars, all unaware. I could smell the food and taste the wine... white for a change... a moscato, perhaps.
But we were talking about that night.
I remember the moments before leaving that evening. I looked in the mirror and was becoming happy again with what I saw. Post nursing allowed me to fit into old tops... skinny jeans... I only wished I'd had some heels or chelsea boots. I bought new makeup. A new foundation. The magic kind that only happens every once in a while. Not too dewy. Not too matte. Like taking a blur tool and just ever so slightly taking out of focus what no one else probably could see anyway. I was glowing. I'd dressed up a bit and pulled it off and felt just short of a million bucks. But just short of a million is still a lot of money these days.
It felt so good.
I rushed down the stairs.
I strutted out the door.
As a yummy mummy might with child upon hip.
Hair disheveled now, but it didn't matter. She - the finishing touch.
We whirled to the car and sang on our way.
I had butterflies.
I wanted him to notice.
I was this darling, beautiful woman - comfortable in her own skin again.
I found myself fluttering around the room just dancing with her. It's what we always do.
In a few moments I'd find myself twirling with her into the room next to the patio I'd noticed a couple of weeks past. I was carelessly singing and laughing and dancing... she loved it... I loved it...
It felt good.
We celebrated life and love and all of these wonderful things.
I celebrated him with everyone.
But in the end, he didn't notice.
He didn't see me.
He was watching her.