i have hit the canyon floor
wonder if i can take some more
my heart is broke; my head is sore
for better or for worse
i have told my love to leave
but i'm the only one to grieve
there's oxygen but i can't breathe
is there blessing beyond this curse

shaking in my bed alone
clinging to all the promises i've known
but my heart is now without a home
and nothing's making sense
they say i should run away
doesn't matter if i go or stay
are you mine or will you stray
again and again

late at night i dare to dream
that you find your way back to me
that everything is finally
for better not for worse
nothing could keep you away
the darkest hour began to fade
am i sleeping
or wide awake
is it all finally ok

tell me it's enough

Imagine if we all told the truth about our lives.
Imagine what a difference we might really make.
If we didn't hide behind pretty fonts and catchphrases and hashtags. If our faces were bare with no filters or blur tools. I love instagram for sharing beautiful things. I love capturing life and sharing the little pieces. But it isn't all of life. If you saw all of my life, you'd likely sit down and weep next to me, because, at present it isn't pretty here. Maybe my excuse is that I'm trying to celebrate the small beautiful things. But I want to confess that you are not seeing everything. It isn't the whole picture.
My soul is in agony.  There are decisions to be made that I never thought I would have to make.
My heart is broken. I have been rejected and cheated again and again. I feel abandoned. My number one priority relationship of the kind that is chosen... is hanging on by a thread. A thread that is unraveling. And it feels like my heart hangs over the edge of a cliff.  The person holding the other end, deigns to hold it... there is no passion. There is no pursuit. No fighting for love. No valiant effort.

When I was very young, I saw Cinderella for the first time. I wanted to be her. I identified with her in many silly and many real ways. I'm not a damsel in distress longing for rescue. I'm a strong woman. A queen, deserving of a king. But, I have been discarded like a piece of trash on the side of the road. I see myself in that way, sadly, and so I have allowed it.

Every choice I make is making indelible marks on the canvas of my little girl.
Every day I am building her foundation.

It's time to stand up.
It's time to remember...
Who I am.
Who's I am.
What I always wanted to be.
The woman I wanted to become.
It's time to listen...
to the beat of my heart.
to the song in my spirit.
to the truth.

I have hit the canyon floor.
I can lay down... or stand up.
And honestly, I've felt like I can't stand up... but I'm fighting to.

And that's when I heard it...

You are lifted.

circles.

i boarded the northern train
courage in my spirit
determination in my eyes
an empty platform
and smoldering ash left behind.
but i could feel your ghost breathing
next to me in the empty seat
i missed you terribly
but kept on riding away.
i meant to change lines...
or did i?
i boarded the southern train
i wanted to be sure
i wanted to ride for a while
maybe i'd made it all up in my head
maybe it was just a dream
that had driven me from my bed
and i wished it to move faster
and closer still
waiting for the stop to bring you near
you said you'd be there
waiting there for me
and as i descended the stairs
i could only see
you confiding in another
waiting on the seat
and i wondered why you couldn't
just wait alone for me
and i fled the platform
the excuses and the whys
boarded the northern train
with anger in my eyes
and stayed awake all night
elephant seated on my chest
breathing shallow
in silence
watching the night hold tight the rest.
i nodded off
no blanket
i was frozen when i woke with a start
telegrams delivered
hope beating in my heart
and i jumped trains again
to return as you'd asked
because you meant it
you were broken
i could feel it
deep as the wounds went inside.
the weather got rather bad, it seemed
there was ice on the bridge
delay after delay
if i could make
2 more stops
one more ridge
and i arrived
so soon the flame had gone?
my heart imprinted with your palms
and you - unsure of what you want
run here and there
with no qualms
and i am circling the state
in my tiny little car
going mad with every shake
i flip the coin
and every day it lands on the other side
so tell me once and for all
tell it plain
look me squarely in the eyes
and tell the truth
and nothing but
will you stay or will you go
take a minute
make up your mind
are you
or are you not mine?

shapes in the trees.

the branches made a hand
a finger pointing
with a giant ring
wouldn't it be nice for us to see such things
so obviously.
and then, i was startled from my mental walk...
she woke up screaming
and it broke my heart
night terrors in the middle of the day
for a moment, i saw myself in her
but i didn't know what to make of it.
so i blinked a few times
focused
and all i could do was hold on tight.
my nearness kept her still.
and all of the chaos inside, for a moment
hushed.
was quiet.
my little companion.
oh how she loves me.
and my adoration of her...
i'll be trying to translate it into words all the rest of my life
this love
there is no fear in it.
there is no doubt in it.
i went back and sat down next to that cherished furry friend
and he laid his sleepy head on my hands.
i didn't realize how often i wring them...
or how cold they stay
until he kept them warm and still.
he often keeps me warm
in the night and in the day
he senses everything
without ever having to speak
for now, at least, until he too is gone away.
i allow the rules to be broken, here and there
just to give my head a little relief.
a little moment away from the grief
and it all just goes on.
and i'm not sure where it went.
or where it's headed so fast
or why it can't wait a moment for me.
why is my love so easy to leave?
why isn't it enough?
when will it be?
i found myself confiding in the wind.
it whispered for a while
and then wailed to me.
it shook against the window
and cried against the frames
but i couldn't understand a word it said.
i prayed softly... help us
let that peace come in
let it drown and banish the sorrows within
let love Himself find me here.
and when i wake up screaming
and it breaks his heart
he'll hold on oh so very tight
for the nearness of Him will keep me still.
this love
this adoration
there is no fear in it.
there is no doubt in it.
and all the chaos - for always -
hush.
be quiet.

wildflowers. [an inner dialogue]

I think she's winning.
Or already won.
I'm not even sure why it's become a competition.
I didn't register for a competition.
I signed up for love.
I loved.
See it still beats love...
My heart heaving there on the floor...
covered in knife wounds.
And in the midst of all of the suffering here
In the recovery
In the trying
I am thrown in a race... running...
Fighting for my own given title
Fighting to keep my name
on my own damned track.
I am invisible and he is bewitched.
She is bewitching.
I hate it.
All of it.
White rage.
Black out.
I've lost consciousness.
I've lost some sort of grip.
No steadiness.
And so,
I came to
An ocean rushing in... slow and loud...
crescendo.
I sat there just letting it all wash over me.
Letting it all bleed out in tears.
Every heartbeat pulsing the ache.
Every vein carrying the pain.
Rushing.
Rushing.
Rushing.
and still so empty and hollow.
At least I can button my coat.
But I don't feel particularly warm.
Just cold all of the time.
And I wept... wept to free myself of it
Of the deep sadness
Trying to rid myself of it all...
and it won't go easily.
Our DNA strands got tangled.
I feel I'm killing my body trying to rid it of him.
Trying to turn myself inside out
So I give in... for a moment... just give in.
But we aren't ever alone here, are we...
Always a ghost.
A shadow.
The scent.
The laughter.
Looking over my shoulder.
Wondering.
My face, uncherished, won't glow
My lips, unkissed, won't turn upward
My heart, unwon won't sing anything but the blues
[Lament, you weary fool.]
My body unwanted buried in black.
My mind, tormented, paces like a madman in a cell.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Repeating back lies like incantations.
Seeing all for a while... seeing it all in plain sight like a silent oracle.
And still repeating lies.
[You unfortunate wretch.
They beg you to wake up.
An heiress dressed like a pauper.
A queen bowing to her king's cruel mistress
In her guilded cage of stockholm syndrome
Wake up, you sleeping fool.
Take this pill and carry on.]
I'll take nothing.
I want to feel it all
I want to feel the depths of these dark days.
But I'll no longer bow.
Leave me to grieve it, now.
But I'll rise.
I'll rise like a sun.
Like a scorned goddess plucked from the yawning jaws of death
by the hands of providence itself.
Let me weep here for a moment.
I'll take back all that is rightfully mine.
But for now, just you watch this terrible dance...
Just get lost in the sound.
Let the dreary symphony finish.
Let them revel.
Let them finish their spinning of lies.
The dawn will turn those words to dust,
and I'll have mine.
I'll have mine.
I'll have mine.
Just let me cry for a while longer.
Let me sleep, until I wake.
I'll awaken...
and a gentle hand will place a wildflower in my hair.
He'll say...
Come away
Come away
Come away.

I won't ever forget that night.
I remember an afternoon before, I was wandering round the old building in the cold trying to find my way in. I found a stairway down to this magical little patio that I'd never seen. All of my life... tucked away just there beneath the sidewalk... and my roving exploring eyes never noticed it. Just tucked beneath a garden with fairy lights everywhere. And as much as I adore autumn and winter, even I, for a moment, longed for spring. In seconds I'd painted this elaborate daydream... the voices... the sounds... the passing cars, all unaware. I could smell the food and taste the wine... white for a change... a moscato, perhaps.
But we were talking about that night.
I remember the moments before leaving that evening. I looked in the mirror and was becoming happy again with what I saw.  Post nursing allowed me to fit into old tops... skinny jeans... I only wished I'd had some heels or chelsea boots. I bought new makeup. A new foundation. The magic kind that only happens every once in a while. Not too dewy. Not too matte. Like taking a blur tool and just ever so slightly taking out of focus what no one else probably could see anyway. I was glowing. I'd dressed up a bit and pulled it off and felt just short of a million bucks. But just short of a million is still a lot of money these days.
It felt so good.
I rushed down the stairs.
I strutted out the door.
As a yummy mummy might with child upon hip.
Hair disheveled now, but it didn't matter. She - the finishing touch.
We whirled to the car and sang on our way.
I had butterflies.
I wanted him to notice.
We arrived.
I was this darling, beautiful woman - comfortable in her own skin again.
I found myself fluttering around the room just dancing with her. It's what we always do.
In a few moments I'd find myself twirling with her into the room next to the patio I'd noticed a couple of weeks past. I was carelessly singing and laughing and dancing... she loved it... I loved it...
It felt good.
We celebrated life and love and all of these wonderful things.
I celebrated him with everyone.
But in the end, he didn't notice.
He didn't see me.
He was watching her.

I wish I was difficult
Always have to be right
I wish I was typical
Oh the cruel to be kind, kind
I'd make a scene of it
All the stories I'd tell
I'd make you pay for it
Make you pay for this hell

I wish I caused turbulence
The way that you do
I wish that you'd suffer once
The way I have for you
I'd turn you black and blue
If I had all that strength
And no heart to control it with
Lead you on to the pain

I tried it again last night
Tried to turn inside out
But the tables were turned on me
And I must do without
It's a city of one way streets
And I have to abide
And there's no reciprocity
Only wrongs and no rights

I've grown
Used to the shoulder and
I've grown
Colder and colder
As it gets
older and older
I find myself
Not myself at all

Take me
down to the river
And pull me
down through the waters
And heal me
Heal me or just let me go
Let me go cold