Monday, March 30, 2009

birds will sing, you promise spring...still my lover won't return to me.

once upon a time when tucked in my bed i saw him.
i told them so.
told everyone the way it would seem to go.
this time, it's different. i feel it. "i just know..." i said.
but now,
i know nothing but this.
this crashing wave of true love's kiss... yours. the agape one.
this swarming cloud of gnats following me around. choking out your sound. my hope. and i'm squinting just to see out.
i'm unhappy. honest.

but happiness is dependent on circumstance. and clearly since i'm more of a caged animal, so she says. so they notice... so i'm unhappy.
so i am quick to anger. and i bite faster.

i'm sorry.

i didn't mean to wound your hand just offering a touch of comfort.

i have noticed i'm getting stronger. you're right about that. we go further on walks each day. i breathe in a little deeper outside in the mornings. but it's when you come for physical therapy, and the normal things feel hard. it's then i notice, i'm not quite done healing i?

can't you make it go faster?
my imagination causes my impatient hands and legs to move too much... my heart to beat extraordinarily fast with worry...and inadvertantly, i rip it all open again and again.

and i'm fatigued and paralysed by the reciting and rehearsing of lies.
ugh. if only it were that simple.
but they're etched in my heart, as well. and this is what it's all about, really isn't it...
all of this.
so i'm unlearning. and memorizing everything you tell me.
and so i said it would be ok to just stay here?

"no." you said.

i just thought it would make me more surprised, if i do get out of here...

"no." you said.

so, i keep seeking and finding joy today. not happy, for the circumstances haven't changed. but joy. ever increasing. the steady beat of perseverance.
and tonight i'm tired. you've hit a nerve. and the scars of yesterday make me scared again.
i'm your little girl and there are unnerving shadows on my wall...

"a lot can happen in 3 days."
like a lot happened in 3 days once upon a time?
"3 more days..." you said.

i never should have, but i've lost it a little.
if only i could look into your eyes... i would get it back.
i'd be the most courageous girl the world has ever seen.

1 comment:

stephanie said...

you are so wonderful.