Tuesday, March 10, 2009

once upon a dream...

i had a bad dream last night, in which two people were angry with me, and i couldn't fix it and sorry wasn't sufficient. but, really i wasn't sure what i'd done wrong. and if you know me at all, you understand how that kills me in waking life. so i woke up sweating and breathless and scared in the dark.
and immediately i heard this little whisper saying, "no one is angry with you. no one is upset with you. no one blames you. this is how you live. with this unnecessary fear wrapped around your heart, choking out freedom. this people pleasing. always convinced that someone is angry. that you've done something wrong. that you can't do enough to make everyone happy."

'my burden is light.'

yeah. it's the weight of love, i'm meant to carry. the weight of love, i'm happy to carry. but the weight of fear is overwhelming and crushes joy. it crushes the spirit. it's too much. it's not mine.
so dang girl, put it down.
i'm thankful for that unnerving dream. but mostly for the unspeakable peace that came afterward.
silly girl, i am. i worry far too much about absolutely nothing.

sometimes i beg for answers in life.
but life isn't a math problem with a solution and an answer.
this is a story being written around me.
so, giving me the answer is like telling me the end of the story.
this does 2 things:
1. it spoils the story. once you know the ending, the story is far less amazing.
2. it spoils the ending... out of context, it's just less amazing.

one day. one page at a time.
this is good.

i am about to read captivating again.
it's already changing my life all over again. jimminy christmukkah.

this weather is grand.
but i'm working in an office that is 80 degrees.
oooh pardon me, it's 79 now.


Auntie Amanda said...

Why are you and I always on the same wavelength? I took Captivating with me to PA last week! and I've been thinking alot about worrying why people are mad at me, trying to figure out what *I've* done wrong when in reality... is it all just fear/worry? This was good to read.

ps- imoseudg?! what a weird captcha.

essa jet said...

like i said... we have the same brain/heart...

tho, i think we've figured that out already.. many times over.
welp, this is another time.. go us!