birds will sing, you promise spring...still my lover won't return to me.

once upon a time when tucked in my bed i saw him.
i told them so.
told everyone the way it would seem to go.
this time, it's different. i feel it. "i just know..." i said.
but now,
i know nothing but this.
this crashing wave of true love's kiss... yours. the agape one.
this swarming cloud of gnats following me around. choking out your sound. my hope. and i'm squinting just to see out.
i'm unhappy. honest.

but happiness is dependent on circumstance. and clearly since i'm more of a caged animal, so she says. so they notice... so i'm unhappy.
so i am quick to anger. and i bite faster.

i'm sorry.

i didn't mean to wound your hand just offering a touch of comfort.

i have noticed i'm getting stronger. you're right about that. we go further on walks each day. i breathe in a little deeper outside in the mornings. but it's when you come for physical therapy, and the normal things feel hard. it's then i notice, i'm not quite done healing yet...am i?

can't you make it go faster?
my imagination causes my impatient hands and legs to move too much... my heart to beat extraordinarily fast with worry...and inadvertantly, i rip it all open again and again.

and i'm fatigued and paralysed by the reciting and rehearsing of lies.
erase.
ugh. if only it were that simple.
but they're etched in my heart, as well. and this is what it's all about, really isn't it...
all of this.
so i'm unlearning. and memorizing everything you tell me.
and so i said it would be ok to just stay here?

"no." you said.

i just thought it would make me more surprised, if i do get out of here...

"no." you said.

so, i keep seeking and finding joy today. not happy, for the circumstances haven't changed. but joy. ever increasing. the steady beat of perseverance.
and tonight i'm tired. you've hit a nerve. and the scars of yesterday make me scared again.
i'm your little girl and there are unnerving shadows on my wall...

"a lot can happen in 3 days."
like a lot happened in 3 days once upon a time?
"3 more days..." you said.

i never should have, but i've lost it a little.
if only i could look into your eyes... i would get it back.
i'd be the most courageous girl the world has ever seen.

p.s.

the sun was setting. i was driving to the grocery store, rounding the corner of this little off-ramp in a place called 'celebrate virginia'. it's still a work in progress, but the idea is to preserve the beauty of the area. so it's a little prettier than most little off-ramp things. more like a random park way. i saw something in the corner of my eye, and there was a deer coming over the hill. only to be followed by another...and another...then another... there were 6 or 7 of them. and all of the sudden, they took off running. they were beeeeautiful. you could see the strength of their muscles moving beneath their skin as they glided across the steep embankment with ease. it is one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.

and it definitely brought tears to my eyes.
creation is such a beautiful thing. still.

every morning...

• i drive past banana republic in old towne.
  and everyday i am captivated by the dresses in the windows.
  i want a pretty dress.
  *sigh*
• last week, i was binging on the strokes.
• this week it's frederic chopin and rachmaninov.
• in fact, i really would like to go to the symphony.
• and i like brie. a lot.

who am i exactly?

silly, really...

how a mild case of being sexually assaulted in your 20s can wreck a girl's heart and emotions and sense of trust.
and yet sweet babies are being sold into slavery and prostitution, and i've forgotten the impact already.
or how i can't forget this boy...
but i've forgotten these children's faces who are motherless and fatherless already.

i'm not sure which is worse. the poeple doing this? or the fact that i am an american with the means to do something...in some way. physically, encouraging or...helping. just helping somehow! and i am one of too many who have seen and heard about these things, and still has done nothing.
because i'm far too busy being concerned about my bills, my clothes, my stats (er rather lack thereof ) and mostly my bleeding heart.
this silly over-emotional landscape of over-analytical thinking has turned me into a self-absorbed ass... rather than opening my arms to be a wounded healer.

"stand up and fight for all you've yet to know"

men at work.

because i'm a lotta bit proud of him always.
the boy taking the photos, i mean...


but, then...sweet jesus, this album is so so good.

i'll always love you though, new york.

kimberly.

tom.

gray squirrel. gray squirrel...

so cute.

in the park.

found some trouble down on avenue b.

perfect.

more here if you want:
clickity-click.

excerpt from 'Captivating"...

"...after this came a young man who pursued Debbie, and then left for no apparent reason. We've known this beautiful young woman for several years now, and one thing has always puzzled us - why is she always working on her life? Why is she always trying to "improve" herself? Debbie is always looking for something to work on. Prayer, exercise, financial responsibility, a new hair color, more discipline. Why is she trying so hard? Doesn't she know how amazing she is? What makes her search so frustrating is that she doesn't know what is wrong with her. She simply fears that somehow she isn't enough.
Many women feel that, by the way. We can't put words to it, but down deep we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. If we were the princess, then our prince would have come. If we were the daughter of a king, he would have fought for us. We can't help but believe that if we were different, if we were better, then we would have been loved as we so longed to be. It must be us."

had myself a lover who was finer than gold, but i've been broken up and busted up since.

when the morning comes, i'll turn on jeff buckley and cut him out of my heart. and if, by some chance, he, like a cancer, has invaded all of it, then i'll wait for a transplant, or let you build a new one. my tears have too long run rampant upon my face. i am well acquainted with sorrow. i'm weary of grief being my best friend.
i'm tired of the same companions leaving me feeling very much like the whore i am not. while putting rings and giving honor and the glory of their love...devoting precious time, and preserving friendships with the women who would and do throw them and their hearts out with yesterday's trash.
2+2 always makes a 5.
and i can't figure out why.
so, forgive me for my impertinence. and i'll take all of this back and dress up in garments of repentence, if i need to. be patient with me because i'm slow in understanding all these things. but even when i stand on my head in this upside down kingdom, it's still not adding up. it's still laying sideways.
you tell me i've learned lies. but you won't prove me wrong with your truth.
just prove them all wrong.

sometimes i wish i could just remove you from my heart.
but what on earth would that do?
when, i'd cease to exist with you.

it's still comin in blurry, the images i see. but someday it will all come clear, and i will be set free.

warning: this is being written on about 2 hours of sleep...

- i love kimberly a lot. (irregardless of lack of sleep)
- there is a boy who makes me happy. (also irregardless of lack of sleep.)
- "i must find why my mind is behaving like a dancer."
- work is not where i'd like to be today.
- mistrust is creeping into my heart yet again.
- how can i be so infinitely doubtful and stupid?
- what am i waiting for again?
- oh right. the impossible dream.
basically this. as much as i love and embrace this situation... as beautiful as this is. as breathtaking the expectancy. as absolutely marvelous...
it's hard. and there are days when i'm angry to the point of tears. and i don't even care who's watching. because i wonder if it's actually worth it.

today i'm angry. because i've lost sight of hope. and i'd rather give in...and sit in the shade of that happiness.

fleeting happiness vs. eternal joy.

catch 22. simply because i am angry...because i am impatient, wise in my own foolish eyes, attempting to wrestle truth with my fists full of mistrust.

"but i don't want medication, just give me liberation even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath... even when living feels just like death to me."

i'm getting crushed out on the things that only i should see...

i wish i could calm down and go to sleep. because, there's only one more sleep til nyc.
which means one more til i get to see kim. and ian.
and 2 more til i get to see tom when he gets in from london.
annnnd guy.

can you say, over.stim.u.la.tion?

i hope it all works out. because i can't even deal with how excited i am just to see them in real life.

also.
i really am so inappropriate and full of mischief.
i was picking up my car after getting the oil changed, and apparently walmart's service center was very understaffed. i was kind of in a rush, but to the back of the line i went.
little did i know i'd just walked in on a very intense arguement. pretty much the people in line were all crazy mad because of the lack of service. it was quite intense and heated. everyone was uncomfortable and super angry and dramatic. and me with the thousand things on my list to do in like an hour should have been just as annoyed. instead, all i could do was bite my lips hard to keep from laughing.
i feel like i've cried so much this year, it's ridiculous. and i just can't take these situations seriously anymore.
so i tried to divert my attention by texting matt about it and pretending to be amused by whatever was on my phone. really, though, it made matters more amusing.

and i'm still giggling.
speaking of which, i get the giggles at the worst times at work. when it's super quiet, and my mind starts racing to creative places, i just can't sit still, and everything becomes amusing to no end. or when eddie sends hilarious emails and i just burst out into laughter. which is contagious. and everyone is laughing without knowing what they're really laughing at?
but i'm getting more immature by the second, i think.

oy vey.
get to sleep!

once upon a dream...

i had a bad dream last night, in which two people were angry with me, and i couldn't fix it and sorry wasn't sufficient. but, really i wasn't sure what i'd done wrong. and if you know me at all, you understand how that kills me in waking life. so i woke up sweating and breathless and scared in the dark.
and immediately i heard this little whisper saying, "no one is angry with you. no one is upset with you. no one blames you. this is how you live. with this unnecessary fear wrapped around your heart, choking out freedom. this people pleasing. always convinced that someone is angry. that you've done something wrong. that you can't do enough to make everyone happy."

'my burden is light.'

yeah. it's the weight of love, i'm meant to carry. the weight of love, i'm happy to carry. but the weight of fear is overwhelming and crushes joy. it crushes the spirit. it's too much. it's not mine.
so dang girl, put it down.
i'm thankful for that unnerving dream. but mostly for the unspeakable peace that came afterward.
silly girl, i am. i worry far too much about absolutely nothing.

also.
sometimes i beg for answers in life.
but life isn't a math problem with a solution and an answer.
this is a story being written around me.
so, giving me the answer is like telling me the end of the story.
this does 2 things:
1. it spoils the story. once you know the ending, the story is far less amazing.
2. it spoils the ending... out of context, it's just less amazing.

one day. one page at a time.
this is good.

also.
i am about to read captivating again.
it's already changing my life all over again. jimminy christmukkah.

also.
(hehehehe.)
this weather is grand.
but i'm working in an office that is 80 degrees.
oooh pardon me, it's 79 now.
gahhhhhh!

hold my heart til brighter days.

they told us spring is coming.
the old march lion will be roaring again.
i can feel the beating now,
shaking through my skin
i can feel the explosion...
the blood rush to the head
i can't work out the answer.
i can't work out the answer.
i can't work out the answer.
would you tell me again?
or let me forget that it even began.
forget how fond i've become of that bird-like boy face he makes.
the one that seems to accidentally appear when the cameras come to write it down.
glittering smoke stacks and ribbons tightly wound. like the curls in my hair, i've forgotten about.
twirling. and i'm lost in that gaze like my fingers in the spiral.
once upon a time...
i hit a new kind of low.
and it's my secret to tell or not to tell.
but suspicious eyes peer closely, waiting for misstep. they heard the fall.
in my head happenstance and destiny are warring. ceaseless.
tell me again. whisper the truth or simply,
LET ME FORGET!
bend your ear closer...are you listening to me?
i'm caving with words now.
i want/won't let him see.
count down this time...
this time he'll lose me.
and feel it like i do.
this time...
do you even see me?
they told us spring is coming.
the old march lion is roaring again.
but what of it unless i can feel him breathing?
longingly watching from the 4th floor windows.
caught in the come-hither stare of the sun that makes us bloom.
even under these flourescent lights i am blooming within.
even the frost of fear is unable to make me wilt.
even after i've given up on it myself.
a day in that romantic determined gaze and i am lifted again.

i am...

fearfully and wonderfully made.

...and we become sunshine.

you know, or i can just handle my biznaazz.

venting is so good.

especially when it's real venting, which usually releases hot air like a tea kettle whistlin. and then, you just get some perspective over a cuppa tea. clive is good at listening to me do this. rather. he's good at laughing while i do this.

also. last night, i baked a cake in my hair...

well almost.
this:

+ this:

= pure hair goodness.
and now for some music by the ugly suit.
glory be.

i love you, but you're green.

and i'm real tired of the over-exaggerated music industry bull-shite.
let's just stop. right here. right now.

i wish on stars for pigs to fly apparently.

getcha mind right, mami, getcha mind right.

ok wait. wasn't it a memphis bleek song? because i loved him.
'and i aint even gonna front.'
point being that little phrase is so true. i just need to get my mind right.
i loathe being patient. so much. but, there is something beautiful to this waiting/patience. (and i'm captain obvious, apparently.) but it's something i've been fleeing from. absolutely fleeing in sheer terror. and i'm finally beginning to embrace it. and suddenly there's this overwhelming sense of adventure. this knowing that everything is about to be so good. but more than that... that everything IS so good. right here. right now. the process. as hard as it is. it's like running...building endurance. and i'm staying the course. and workin it out. but i'm not going to get there constantly thinking about how crap it is and how out of breath i am. you just keep breathing and start singing. run to your favourite song and it becomes a dance. and you can't stop yourself if you try. it's getting a new perspective. seeing the world through the eyes of hope.

Look at the night skies: Who do you think made all this? Who marches this army of stars out each night, counts them off, calls each by name—so magnificent! so powerful!— and never overlooks a single one? Why would you ever complain or whine, saying,"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows
everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives
fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind. [isaiah. 40.27-31]

oh my my. oh heck yes!

lonely little love dog howling hallelujah.

please, release me
release me for a while
i'm learning everything
but, the contours of your smile
and the beat comes running
everytime i see your face
so, please release me
til the pain here is erased.

don't be afraid
love is taking our sadness away
don't be afraid
love is chasing our fear to its grave
don't be afraid
love is redeeming the mess that we made
don't be afraid
love will teach you to dance again

i count the minutes like
pennies in a bank
i wait for something
to say that we will be ok
i keep on trying
to just be good enough
but i quit this striving
and running from your love

don't be afraid

love is taking our sadness away

don't be afraid

love is chasing our fear to its grave

don't be afraid

love is redeeming the mess that we made

don't be afraid

love will teach you to dance again

the clouds were split for you and i.

into the darkness
lined in thousands of trees
i broke the harness
that latched itself to me
this little light of mine
shot through the shadows of leaves
and we cried
and we cried
cos it was good to go free

i was dancin around
the moon slipped through the cracks
illuminated now
don't need to cover my tracks
for my love was found
on the eve of spring
and we cried
and we cried
cos it was good to be free

sometimes it all makes sense
sometimes we have to believe
sometimes it comes so fast
sometimes so slowly
it's coming
it's coming
it's coming for me