you know they like to knock me down, but i don't stay down for very long.

i wrote another song... or two this evening, and even began composing a piano piece, as well. it seems there are these wells of emotion that are begging me to tap them and turn them into something. but i feel like it's a bit like harnessing the sea. and i'm a bit afraid of what i'll find there. i'm so used to being able to explain how i feel. to paint a picture with words or notes.

instead i'm finding a thousand things are true. but they are contradictory.

i found myself ready to leave this town. or making plans of escape.

i found myself making plans to dig my heels in and seize the day and make the best.

i got in my car and drove with the intention of getting lost.

i found little pieces of myself to the backdrop of madison tennessee.

(not to mention a few places i've wondered where they are)

i am falling in love with him.

he has my attention.

he has lost my respect.

i am absolutely terrified and mistrusting.

i have this innate sense that i am being made a fool of.

i have this sense of safety.

i miss living with my family.

i know that my grandma and i have a healthier relationship when we aren't in the same house.

i miss having a dinner companion.

i want to sleep in tomorrow morning.

i want to wake up early and run and then perhaps crawl back into bed.

i miss my cushy job.

i dont miss the commute stress.

i hate catch 22s. and feeling like i've limited mobility.

i'm in my 20s. i'm single. i've no family of my own. the world is my oyster. but i'm trapped.

i want to paint my face and express myself/hide my vulnerability behind fashion.

i could care less about makeup and would rather don black tights and a shirt and call it a day.

i want to whisper.

i want to shout.

i want to speak plainly.

i'm sick of hearing the sound of my own voice.

i feel understood.

i feel misunderstood and alone.

i feel used.

i feel appreciated.

i feel pulled in a hundred directions and yet like a solitary motionless creature in the middle of the earth absolutely lost in a black hole.

i feel numb.

i feel overstimulated.

i want to quit.

i cannot stop.

looking at this photograph by nick knight made me miss an old lover.

nick knight was one of his favourites.

maybe i miss being a lover.

i miss being someone's favourite girl.

i hope he's well.

i wonder if it hurts him.

i can't remember his face./i wish i could forget.

i wonder if i'll ever be loved.

i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to be...

i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to trust again.

"i'm comin out..."

i'm withdrawing.

this song is so nostalgic. it's like a warm blanket...

don't let me go.