Thursday, November 4, 2010

you know they like to knock me down, but i don't stay down for very long.

i wrote another song... or two this evening, and even began composing a piano piece, as well. it seems there are these wells of emotion that are begging me to tap them and turn them into something. but i feel like it's a bit like harnessing the sea. and i'm a bit afraid of what i'll find there. i'm so used to being able to explain how i feel. to paint a picture with words or notes.
instead i'm finding a thousand things are true. but they are contradictory.

i found myself ready to leave this town. or making plans of escape.
i found myself making plans to dig my heels in and seize the day and make the best.
i got in my car and drove with the intention of getting lost.
i found little pieces of myself to the backdrop of madison tennessee.
(not to mention a few places i've wondered where they are)
i am falling in love with him.
he has my attention.
he has lost my respect.
i am absolutely terrified and mistrusting.
i have this innate sense that i am being made a fool of.
i have this sense of safety.
i miss living with my family.
i know that my grandma and i have a healthier relationship when we aren't in the same house.
i miss having a dinner companion.
i want to sleep in tomorrow morning.
i want to wake up early and run and then perhaps crawl back into bed.
i miss my cushy job.
i dont miss the commute stress.
i hate catch 22s. and feeling like i've limited mobility.
i'm in my 20s. i'm single. i've no family of my own. the world is my oyster. but i'm trapped.
i want to paint my face and express myself/hide my vulnerability behind fashion.
i could care less about makeup and would rather don black tights and a shirt and call it a day.
i want to whisper.
i want to shout.
i want to speak plainly.
i'm sick of hearing the sound of my own voice.
i feel understood.
i feel misunderstood and alone.
i feel used.
i feel appreciated.
i feel pulled in a hundred directions and yet like a solitary motionless creature in the middle of the earth absolutely lost in a black hole.
i feel numb.
i feel overstimulated.
i want to quit.
i cannot stop.
looking at this photograph by nick knight made me miss an old lover.
nick knight was one of his favourites.
maybe i miss being a lover.
i miss being someone's favourite girl.
i hope he's well.
i wonder if it hurts him.
i can't remember his face./i wish i could forget.
i wonder if i'll ever be loved.
i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to be...
i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to trust again.
"i'm comin out..."
i'm withdrawing.
this song is so nostalgic. it's like a warm blanket...

don't let me go.

1 comment:

a real phony said...

you are so amazing and it's scary yet extremely comforting to know someone else has shared these feelings i would wish upon no one. i wish you all wonderful, lovely things your heart yearns for. it's coming.