the sweet lift. gentle and sure.
alighting. no striving.
but the descent.
cruel and uncertain.
like those dreams that won't stop coming.
and you wake up angry and hot and...
because i chose. i made my inner choice.
as if the gods are cruel.
as if the universe could hear the silent resolve.
down it spun.
down upon my gaping lungs.
hurled to the floor like a castaway.
ignored? it equals a decline.
explained everything and nothing.
in sleepless nights.
in valid texts.
in poetry and prose.
in quotes and plagiarism.
in hysterical laughter.
in tearful confessions.
in all ways. honest.
in brave defiance of all the disappointment i have ever known.
i stood there, brazen.
i laid there, shaken.
i sit here.
d i s m i s s e d .
u n l o v e d .
u n r e q u i t e d .
u n k i s s e d .
and u n m i s s e d .
it rages like a swell of melancholy madness flying up to meet the sky. to challenge its breath. to question its heights. the sound of your favourites multiplied by passion to what sounds like voices of angels and broken souls singing with them. and echoes of past and all my present want. they sing. they sing out. they sing soft. they sing long.
and i would just as easily question the cruelty of the silence, as throw myself headlong into the comfort of violence. but no resolution. no answer. just wait.
fear swallowing my hope in love.
love so grand.
love so great.
and blackest sky brings its sickening wane.
the dismal forebodings of the beat of my veins.
i am just this. or that. or nothing. or much.
i am simply a girl fallen...
it is not aloud.
not granted for me.
descent to the valley.
descent from these heights.
because the letters i'd write would choose what is right.
but it would dash me to pieces sooner than enfold me in it.
there is nothing to be done.
nothing at all.
i bloomed. i moved to love.
it called my name to send me away again.
i moved to love.
all for naught.