Sunday, November 21, 2010

little joy(s).

ok. let's talk about this.
it's a beautiful day out. my team won. (the redskins). yes i am a redskins fan. and when they play, it's the only time i care about nfl or any american football for that matter. let's be real. i mostly watch the superbowl for the half-time performance and the commercials.
this is a recipe for a good day. except that i worked today.
nope. no no no. not what you're thinking. i am thrilled to be working today. i'm thankful for that sweet table of three with the precious moments doll eyes who ordered carrot cake and said i was beautiful. i'm so grateful for the tiredness invading my body to cause some sort of over-emotional response in the form of a blog that will probably go deleted. i'm thankful for 2 jobs. one that i'm trying ever so hard to master.

what am i referring to then? i am frustrated with the fact that, in my life, a lot of times, it seems that hard work and diligence are not rewarded... except that it makes you too exhausted to have an anxiety attack before bedtime. kind of. ok no it doesn't. it just makes sleeping feel really good. i dont want anyone's pity or sympathy and there are many things that will go unmentioned in the public blog forum. but i am tired of trying. tired of giving 200%... embracing constructive criticism, being the perfectionist that i am, and getting absolutely nowhere fast. of working hard to pay your dues, and getting the short end of the stick almost each and every time you go the extra mile.

hi. how can i help you? smile smile smile. what can i get for you? how can i be for you? how can i make you feel amazing today? service is my job. it's something i deeply enjoy. and it's super awesome when you get paid. and even more awesome when people reciprocate. i feel guilty for even typing that i'm feeling empty, depleted and unfulfilled. it only leads to my being angry and questioning myself.

i'm tired of people trying to relate to me, when they're internalizing and spending 90% of their time inside their own heads, and forgetting they've not communicated this to their friends. and so everything comes out in clips and phrases. and so, though they may relate to my feelings, their solution lies before them. just a matter of sitting down and making this or that adjustment. which they won't until they're good and ready. because their emotional senses block their practical abilities. and let's face it. sometimes it's much easier to feel down than to push past and make something happen. but imagine you push past and nothing happens. again. and again. and you are patient. and you ask for advice. and finally, you just want to throw something, because...
but refusing to quit.
aw, you sweet little chum. A for effort. ra ra ra and all of that.

i'm tired of showing up. not for the sake of showing up, but knowing that there are days when i need someone to show up for me, and they will not. pulling back or cutting people off is silly and impractical...
which brings us to relationships. boy and girly lovey ones.
i want my partner in crime around. whomever the hell that is. WHICH feels more like the equivalent of some sort of disney princess happily ever after wish upon a falling star whispered to my conscience cricket friend named jimminy, last name christmakuh who talks to me on my windowsill. though i don't look at such things with rose-coloured glasses. meanwhile, i thought attention from boys would make me feel better. it doesn't. and at the moment, it's making me freak out and retreat further into hiding. i miss one. but i am out of sight; out of mind. and it sucks. and it hurts some. but it's nothing to analyse or question. just hang out. wait it out. or whatever. i'm fine with being single. i am bored with being teased that my bff has just arrived. i wish these suckers would stop wasting my time and or starting what they can't or don't intend to finish.

i am on a carousel with the most annoying song playing.
i cannot make it stop.
i cannot get the operator's attention.
i cannot jump off.
i just have to take it with a smile... and start being happy for the fact that it's a nice day to be stuck on a carousel.
and i'm tired of doing that.
i'm tired of being ignored and unmissed.
i'm tired of feeling like i dont matter.

my heart hurts. and i'm so angry.
and what's worse is that overall unhappy people who are bored with their lives make it their aim to steal the little joys from people around them.
the little joys that get me through... nice and slow. one day at a time.
anyway, it's sunday november 21st. and that's how i feel. and i want it to change.

1 comment:

Danielle said...

Oh to get inside that head of yours and see how it turns...just to get a glimpse is...magical.