Thursday, October 7, 2010

you should know by now, shouldn't have to tell you twice. [don't let me in.]

I was driving along this evening, and saw this old man standing on the side of the road. He had the most amazing cloud of smoke for a beard, and looked like the sort of character you'd imagine when conjuring up some image of a wooden legged pirate named Smith. I often get distracted when seeing some of these people, because faces like those have stories. And I want to know what their story is... I wonder if they'd tell the truth. I wonder if they'd lie.

I've found myself fumbling around with some silly habits. Biting the nails. Putting myself under ridiculous scrutiny. Looking over my shoulder. The usual tell-tale heart signs that something is slightly off center and about to go amiss. My dreams are jacked up... and I'm not sleeping very well. I just can't seem to find a place of rest... belonging. I don't want to be too comfortable, so that I become stagnant and unable to keep some sort of forward mobility... however, rest and peace and a sense of stability is definitely a good thing. I cannot settle down or settle in. Just as I begin to, there are sirens going off...

I feel very much like a stray dog who wants nothing more than to warm up to human hands and rest a while. But, there are always loud noises... people always raise their hands too quickly and I am convinced they're going to hit me... so off I run again. In English? I thought I'd done so well... but I clearly still don't trust anyone. And the ones I do trust, I feel like it's just a matter of time, before they kick me out of their hearts. Really. Crazy much? Sure. Because, recently I've had "close friends"... best friends, even, look me dead in the eye and lie to me about the most ridiculous things. I've had people blow stories up out of proportion. Stories that don't even matter to lie about. I've heard the same story told 2 similar ways and 1 very different way. I'm not in it. I have nothing to do with this story. What is the reason to lie about things? Why make yourself look a certain way? And when you don't receive the reaction you were looking for (ps, now I've picked up the ability to be impossible to read...) you change your story until you get the one you were hoping for or change your perspective or hide some details or add some for dramatic affect.

In case I've not spelled it out in the first thousand "what's your greatest pet peeve" questions... the numero uno offense to cause me to lose respect for you is to lie. I can't trust you. I can't be close to you. I don't want you... because mostly, you're just using me for whatever reason you think you can. Every meeting, every conversation, everything is a complete farce. I don't know what's worse... that I am still duped by people like this? Or that they make it impossible for wonderful people to get close to me.

Does it ever feel like the world is just a few good people among the rest of whom are waiting to kick the crap out of you for no good reason? And everyone looks the same. So you never know til it's too late and you're seeing stars?

Or is it just me?


MeLissa said...

Oh goodness!
As much as I hate that you feel beat up, I don't want you to retreat because of a couple of dumb people or a stupid situation. Who knows why people tell stories? It doesn't matter. You're excellent. That's all that matters.

WildIrishRose33 said...

its not just you