the point is that, i've been a very unhappy girl as of late. and it sort of doesn't make sense. i've just moved back to nashville. i'm surrounded by amazing friends. i have a place of my own. i found a job rather quickly. there are a few other things blooming here and there. but, all i can think about is how i am getting by the skin of my teeth financially, how i'm walking on eggshells and i'm afraid of everyone (see last post), and how i am not in london. sigh.
i was talking with clive the other day and just had this realisation... er was reminded that london is absolutely where i want to be. even if i just live there for 6 months... i have to do it. it's not some random passing thing. you can't blame it on the fact that this boy has my attention or that i just have my heart set on this or that opportunity. i have been madly in love with england since about 12 years old. i haven't been able to shake it for 15 years. uh. clearly, i'm not playing around with some whim. unfortunately a thousand things play into my not being there. i'm working toward it. and while i'm here in the us... as a citizen of the united states of america, the place i wish to call home, (nashville) i am calling home.
the problem is when my vision gets distorted, and the thing i'm passionate about... my hearts desires, my pursuit of these dreams bigger than myself, suddenly become all about me... i'm acutely aware of the impossibilities. suddenly i am my own worst critic, and not in a good way... and then i am wailing on myself yet again for not making a straight a grade that only i am holding myself to. dont get me wrong. this is going to take work, not just sitting on my arse twittling my thumbs, wishing and hoping and dreaming. thing is, i'm not afraid of that work.
i'm afraid of and tired of a lot of work with nothing much to show for it.
it's just the hurry i am in... the constant discontentment... the mistrust... and for what? anxiety attacks, low self-esteem, insecurity which leads to all sorts of stupidity. i'm only fooling myself if i believe for even a moment that there is a safe way to move through life... that i can engage, i mean, really engage with other human beings... that i can stay open and real and alive and not get hurt or disappointed.
now, let's be real here. i'm super frustrated with this standstill. i am angry with people not coming through. i am tired of the feeling that for every door that opens, i get 2 slammed in my face. i am tired of crying and being so well acquainted with melancholy. i am tired of trusting just to be let down again. but in the meantime, i have a lot to be thankful for. we are moving toward the thanksgiving season, after all. but much of the time, it's hard to even get excited or thankful, because rather than blessings in our hands, it feels like carrots dangled in front of us that make us keep moving, but will eventually be snatched from grasp.
and i am a hungry bunny.
which brings me back to this whole concept of resting in the tension.
it also reminds me of the parable of the talents.
perhaps it isn't about investing money with abandon.
maybe there's another way of taking it.
maybe it's about investing ourselves.
maybe it's about loving extravagantly.
maybe someone figured out, it's much easier to just maintain. shut down. hold it together. engage, just enough in this world. you keep moving, but play it safe.
but it just doesn't make for a good story to say, "i lived. i gained nothing. it cost me nothing. i said hello. they said hello back. i tried. oh well." it's the "almost" story.
maybe the first guys in the parable lost a few times before they made a profit. maybe we get our hearts broken, while learning to love well. maybe we are tempted to lose heart and grow weary on the journey to making something bigger than us happen.
if i keep moving forward and i enjoy what's around me every step of the way... if i love extravagantly. if i give all. if i don't withdraw and i stay alive and all of these things. well, no one will ever hear the story of nitasha jackson and say, "gosh. she didn't even try. she settled. that was boring character in a boring story. she could've been something special, but decided to settle down instead. her life was safe. that's nice. yawn."
i guess what i'm saying is, this sucks. it's hard. but i'm learning to be thankful for what's in my hands. not to settle for second best, but not to disregard or be ungrateful for what i have. i guess i'm learning to be content in all situations while running this race, so to speak. because contentment keeps the hopelessness at bay in our pursuit of happiness, and joy is the strength to keep going... one day at a time.