Tuesday, October 19, 2010

it's a shame shame shame. baby, it's a crying shame.

i have no idea why i'm awake.
except to tell you (dear reader) that i have been allowing worry and anxiety to jack up my world.

a friend said to me today, "it's so hard for you to settle, because you're walking on eggshells around everyone... so concerned with what everyone thinks of you."

i was having coffee with another friend the other night, and we were talking of many things. and suddenly i had this moment of realisation that, i am constantly referencing my need to love people better. i am constantly critiquing my ability to pour out my heart. the thing is, i'm really not so good at receiving. i find it really really difficult to just relax in most relationships. because as soon as love or affection or whatever is communicated back to me, i begin to prepare for the withdraw. in my head, i become acutely aware of the fact that the person in question will soon discover whatever it is that has been discovered by everyone else who has ever left my world, and that they too will leave.

just typing that makes me realise how silly it is.
it doesn't stop it from being any less true.
i'm tired.
and i would very much like this cyclone to stop.

(to be continued...)

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