Saturday, October 30, 2010

walk alone. [company showed up]

oh dear god. it's 4am and i'm wide awake. please remind me who i am!
i was out this evening for girl talk with amanda/dinner at one of our favourite places and then we went for some drinks with some neurologists and matt. yes. epic. after all of this, mike came out of hiding and decided to join us.

daniel the neurologist was almost a psychologist. so upon noticing a girl who was painfully thin... and i mean, paaaaaainfully and scarily thin, these boys jaws hit the table and they began to gape. daniel, then, began to explain the medical reasoning behind such eating disorders. much of which i already knew. but it's all sort of down to an element of control when your self-esteem has gone awry and anxiety sets in. finally, the boys, for the second time this evening, began to discuss things they love about women/appreciate in their wives. it was nice to overhear that conversation.

i have stopped writing and reverted to pretty pictures for fear that i get too deep and too debbie downer-ish. i'm trying my best to be 'onward & upward'. but money has me in a headlock that insights swearing... and sometimes i feel like nothing in the world is gonna help me now. (thanks esser.)

but tonight, i got some things off my chest. i remembered this blooooog, this space of internetland isn't about my looking awesome, but rather my telling the truth. the fact is, that i have had to actively remember this week that i have value as a human. and no one has a clue that it's going on. it's absolutely silly the things we really feel and are convinced of when we say them out loud. but, it's true. i've felt like a worthless piece of crap. meanwhile, i had a dream last night explaining that quite clearly. that my vision of myself is incredibly distorted. (oh gee. really? that's a surprise.)

this evening, i had a break from that. i felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. it wasn't just being called beautiful. it wasn't just being acknowledged for talent. it was all of those things, and the fact that i was enjoyed by my friends. not for any reason whatsoever, except that i exist.

i needed that more than i can say.
i needed a little encouragement (thanks to a wonderful chat with iain, the day got off to a good start, i'd say.)
i just needed a little reminder that i'm not a commodity or a flavor of the week or a novelty that will surely wear off.

today was a really nice day off. and it was nice to feel like a lovely girl.
it was nice to feel a bit more like myself.

p.s. allergies are wack.
p.s.s. i said wack?
p.s.s.s. i can't ever remember what shade of foundation i wear. (oh probably because i dont wear it very often.)
p.s.s.s.s. why is it that i'm always matched up at a different shade evvvverytime?
p.s.s.s.s.s. tomorrow is the first of halloweeny celebrations.
p.s.s.s.s.s.s. i got a wig and chopped it. pictures to come.

1 comment:

Auntie Amanda said...

i love it i love it i love it.
and you.
lots and lots.