happy halloween.

walk alone. [company showed up]

oh dear god. it's 4am and i'm wide awake. please remind me who i am!

i was out this evening for girl talk with amanda/dinner at one of our favourite places and then we went for some drinks with some neurologists and matt. yes. epic. after all of this, mike came out of hiding and decided to join us.

daniel the neurologist was almost a psychologist. so upon noticing a girl who was painfully thin... and i mean, paaaaaainfully and scarily thin, these boys jaws hit the table and they began to gape. daniel, then, began to explain the medical reasoning behind such eating disorders. much of which i already knew. but it's all sort of down to an element of control when your self-esteem has gone awry and anxiety sets in. finally, the boys, for the second time this evening, began to discuss things they love about women/appreciate in their wives. it was nice to overhear that conversation.

i have stopped writing and reverted to pretty pictures for fear that i get too deep and too debbie downer-ish. i'm trying my best to be 'onward & upward'. but money has me in a headlock that insights swearing... and sometimes i feel like nothing in the world is gonna help me now. (thanks esser.)

but tonight, i got some things off my chest. i remembered this blooooog, this space of internetland isn't about my looking awesome, but rather my telling the truth. the fact is, that i have had to actively remember this week that i have value as a human. and no one has a clue that it's going on. it's absolutely silly the things we really feel and are convinced of when we say them out loud. but, it's true. i've felt like a worthless piece of crap. meanwhile, i had a dream last night explaining that quite clearly. that my vision of myself is incredibly distorted. (oh gee. really? that's a surprise.)

this evening, i had a break from that. i felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. it wasn't just being called beautiful. it wasn't just being acknowledged for talent. it was all of those things, and the fact that i was enjoyed by my friends. not for any reason whatsoever, except that i exist.

i needed that more than i can say.

i needed a little encouragement (thanks to a wonderful chat with iain, the day got off to a good start, i'd say.)

i just needed a little reminder that i'm not a commodity or a flavor of the week or a novelty that will surely wear off.

today was a really nice day off. and it was nice to feel like a lovely girl.

it was nice to feel a bit more like myself.

p.s. allergies are wack.

p.s.s. i said wack?

p.s.s.s. i can't ever remember what shade of foundation i wear. (oh probably because i dont wear it very often.)

p.s.s.s.s. why is it that i'm always matched up at a different shade evvvverytime?

p.s.s.s.s.s. tomorrow is the first of halloweeny celebrations.

p.s.s.s.s.s.s. i got a wig and chopped it. pictures to come.

babe.

i'm pretty sure if you look up the word, 'babe'... this face will come up.

also, thanks mark ronson, for the tunes.

luna.

last night, i lost my mind.

anger surfaced and found its home in well-formed words, which ranted and raved and this heart sang a song of fury and weakness. tears came. the kind that prick your eyes. screaming left the throat sore. that ache, that wailing, that frustration, that deep groan of the soul that refuses to be quieted. the one that questions the existence of heaven while declaring that a touch from it is the only thing that will do. sometimes those moments of absolute violent honesty are necessary to a soul like mine.

last night i lost my mind.

something shifted for better or for worse.

i feel like a drill sergeant for the special forces has pushed me to my limits and handed my arse to me on a platter, only to show me, we've only just begun... and i have more in me than this.

why is losing or failure an option?

last night, i lost my mind.

and it may have been just what i needed.

hungry bunny. [count your blessings]

i was sitting on the porch at crema today, reading an article on happiness/contentment in elle magazine. that is, after the one about this new-fangled lipo for random places like the knees. nevertheless, this article followed by the one on emily blunt really got me thinking. i mean, to the point that a guy was walking down the street with headphones on, rapping... just ambling along in his own groove. and it warmed my heart a little, because despite whatever potentially was going on, he looked so content. and i wondered if he was, or if it was just my creative imagination projecting on the situation.

the point is that, i've been a very unhappy girl as of late. and it sort of doesn't make sense. i've just moved back to nashville. i'm surrounded by amazing friends. i have a place of my own. i found a job rather quickly. there are a few other things blooming here and there. but, all i can think about is how i am getting by the skin of my teeth financially, how i'm walking on eggshells and i'm afraid of everyone (see last post), and how i am not in london. sigh.

i was talking with clive the other day and just had this realisation... er was reminded that london is absolutely where i want to be. even if i just live there for 6 months... i have to do it. it's not some random passing thing. you can't blame it on the fact that this boy has my attention or that i just have my heart set on this or that opportunity. i have been madly in love with england since about 12 years old. i haven't been able to shake it for 15 years. uh. clearly, i'm not playing around with some whim. unfortunately a thousand things play into my not being there. i'm working toward it. and while i'm here in the us... as a citizen of the united states of america, the place i wish to call home, (nashville) i am calling home.

the problem is when my vision gets distorted, and the thing i'm passionate about... my hearts desires, my pursuit of these dreams bigger than myself, suddenly become all about me... i'm acutely aware of the impossibilities. suddenly i am my own worst critic, and not in a good way... and then i am wailing on myself yet again for not making a straight a grade that only i am holding myself to. dont get me wrong. this is going to take work, not just sitting on my arse twittling my thumbs, wishing and hoping and dreaming. thing is, i'm not afraid of that work.

i'm afraid of and tired of a lot of work with nothing much to show for it.

it's just the hurry i am in... the constant discontentment... the mistrust... and for what? anxiety attacks, low self-esteem, insecurity which leads to all sorts of stupidity. i'm only fooling myself if i believe for even a moment that there is a safe way to move through life... that i can engage, i mean, really engage with other human beings... that i can stay open and real and alive and not get hurt or disappointed.

now, let's be real here. i'm super frustrated with this standstill. i am angry with people not coming through. i am tired of the feeling that for every door that opens, i get 2 slammed in my face. i am tired of crying and being so well acquainted with melancholy. i am tired of trusting just to be let down again. but in the meantime, i have a lot to be thankful for. we are moving toward the thanksgiving season, after all. but much of the time, it's hard to even get excited or thankful, because rather than blessings in our hands, it feels like carrots dangled in front of us that make us keep moving, but will eventually be snatched from grasp.

and i am a hungry bunny.

which brings me back to this whole concept of resting in the tension.

it also reminds me of the parable of the talents.

perhaps it isn't about investing money with abandon.

maybe there's another way of taking it.

maybe it's about investing ourselves.

maybe it's about loving extravagantly.

maybe someone figured out, it's much easier to just maintain. shut down. hold it together. engage, just enough in this world. you keep moving, but play it safe.

but it just doesn't make for a good story to say, "i lived. i gained nothing. it cost me nothing. i said hello. they said hello back. i tried. oh well." it's the "almost" story.

maybe the first guys in the parable lost a few times before they made a profit. maybe we get our hearts broken, while learning to love well. maybe we are tempted to lose heart and grow weary on the journey to making something bigger than us happen.

if i keep moving forward and i enjoy what's around me every step of the way... if i love extravagantly. if i give all. if i don't withdraw and i stay alive and all of these things. well, no one will ever hear the story of nitasha jackson and say, "gosh. she didn't even try. she settled. that was boring character in a boring story. she could've been something special, but decided to settle down instead. her life was safe. that's nice. yawn."

no.

no!

i guess what i'm saying is, this sucks. it's hard. but i'm learning to be thankful for what's in my hands. not to settle for second best, but not to disregard or be ungrateful for what i have. i guess i'm learning to be content in all situations while running this race, so to speak. because contentment keeps the hopelessness at bay in our pursuit of happiness, and joy is the strength to keep going... one day at a time.

it's a shame shame shame. baby, it's a crying shame.

i have no idea why i'm awake.

except to tell you (dear reader) that i have been allowing worry and anxiety to jack up my world.

a friend said to me today, "it's so hard for you to settle, because you're walking on eggshells around everyone... so concerned with what everyone thinks of you."

i was having coffee with another friend the other night, and we were talking of many things. and suddenly i had this moment of realisation that, i am constantly referencing my need to love people better. i am constantly critiquing my ability to pour out my heart. the thing is, i'm really not so good at receiving. i find it really really difficult to just relax in most relationships. because as soon as love or affection or whatever is communicated back to me, i begin to prepare for the withdraw. in my head, i become acutely aware of the fact that the person in question will soon discover whatever it is that has been discovered by everyone else who has ever left my world, and that they too will leave.

just typing that makes me realise how silly it is.

it doesn't stop it from being any less true.

i'm tired.

and i would very much like this cyclone to stop.

(to be continued...)

those songs that spring from conversations...

it's only just bloomed lately

it's in the words, dear

pull me out of shadows

pull me out of here

i have asked the minutes

not to move so fast

they had no time to listen

stealing glances as they passed

tell me slowly

all you can

say the truth

and i'll understand

i'll let myself go for you

and if i breathed my secrets

and laid them down beside your ear

would you pull me out of shadows

or send me far away from here

your arms are strong around me

and quiet down the storm inside my head

it will not overcome me

or steal away the words that you have said

tell me slowly

all you can

say the truth

and i'll understand

i'll let myself go for you

for a minute there, i lost myself.

it seems i lost the plot again today

all the trust i kept here ran away

no matter how hard i try, i still leave a trace

i can't cover up what i can't erase

i need a love that chases out the fear

and something's missing when you aren't here

so i could just let go this time and see

what could become of you and me

promises left broken in the night

what should be easy is always such a fight

ill open up the door and let you in

but if you don't hold tight i'll escape again

i need a love that chases out the fear

and something's missing when you aren't here

so i could just let go this time and see

what could become of you and me

can't you feel the knife?

yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon.

if romance causes you to see la vie en rose... then, fear paints it black. but not in a rolling stones way. in a creepy, messed up psycho serial killer sort of way. it stalks all of your joy and picks it off sniper style. it taints your ability to be thankful. suddenly the world is dumbed down to being all about you. it wears rings of paranoia on it's fingers and offers it's jacket of loneliness to your shivering bones. it wails on you and leaves imprints of rejection on your skin. these are your lessons. and you live in constant regret of intimacy. in all of this, there comes a stockholm syndrome and you start thinking the fear is protecting you. and if left untreated you just begin to mimic it by sabotaging everything you want to protect and everything you want to love better.

i chose a life of love.

love is dangerous.

but it's good.

and the only other option is fear.

which is basically hell.

let go, nitasha. just. let. go.

before the alarm.

i see everyone tonight. all actors on a shaded stage moving through my minds eye. but everyone's insides show on their faces. their hearts are on their sleeves. and some of them don't have them anymore. but no one seems inviting. everyone has shut me out and i wake up with a start. i hear everything. tonight's today. today's tonight. it's all merged into one swirling montage without good music or sense. and these vivid scenes become waves of dreams which grow more and more violent upon my emotional winds. and they'll shake me until i run from sleep like a child from the monsters in their heads.

i feel sick. see-sick. i've not actually been on the seas. so sick from what i've seen. or the illusion of seeing things.

you should know by now, shouldn't have to tell you twice. [don't let me in.]

I was driving along this evening, and saw this old man standing on the side of the road. He had the most amazing cloud of smoke for a beard, and looked like the sort of character you'd imagine when conjuring up some image of a wooden legged pirate named Smith. I often get distracted when seeing some of these people, because faces like those have stories. And I want to know what their story is... I wonder if they'd tell the truth. I wonder if they'd lie.

I've found myself fumbling around with some silly habits. Biting the nails. Putting myself under ridiculous scrutiny. Looking over my shoulder. The usual tell-tale heart signs that something is slightly off center and about to go amiss. My dreams are jacked up... and I'm not sleeping very well. I just can't seem to find a place of rest... belonging. I don't want to be too comfortable, so that I become stagnant and unable to keep some sort of forward mobility... however, rest and peace and a sense of stability is definitely a good thing. I cannot settle down or settle in. Just as I begin to, there are sirens going off...

I feel very much like a stray dog who wants nothing more than to warm up to human hands and rest a while. But, there are always loud noises... people always raise their hands too quickly and I am convinced they're going to hit me... so off I run again. In English? I thought I'd done so well... but I clearly still don't trust anyone. And the ones I do trust, I feel like it's just a matter of time, before they kick me out of their hearts. Really. Crazy much? Sure. Because, recently I've had "close friends"... best friends, even, look me dead in the eye and lie to me about the most ridiculous things. I've had people blow stories up out of proportion. Stories that don't even matter to lie about. I've heard the same story told 2 similar ways and 1 very different way. I'm not in it. I have nothing to do with this story. What is the reason to lie about things? Why make yourself look a certain way? And when you don't receive the reaction you were looking for (ps, now I've picked up the ability to be impossible to read...) you change your story until you get the one you were hoping for or change your perspective or hide some details or add some for dramatic affect.

In case I've not spelled it out in the first thousand "what's your greatest pet peeve" questions... the numero uno offense to cause me to lose respect for you is to lie. I can't trust you. I can't be close to you. I don't want you... because mostly, you're just using me for whatever reason you think you can. Every meeting, every conversation, everything is a complete farce. I don't know what's worse... that I am still duped by people like this? Or that they make it impossible for wonderful people to get close to me.

Does it ever feel like the world is just a few good people among the rest of whom are waiting to kick the crap out of you for no good reason? And everyone looks the same. So you never know til it's too late and you're seeing stars?

Or is it just me?

september laid her head down in the garden. i didn't watch her fall asleep. i was aware of the descent of october, and her cool breath upon my skin. but september sighed softly... and it grew warm again. white knuckles clenching the steering wheel... hidden prayers and petitions strewn across the sky like stars in a country summer night. wishing airplanes might somehow carry my heart's desires on a jet-stream to the divine. i say that with such disconnect that i sound unfamiliar. when my heartbeat is ever in his ear. my name tattooed upon his skin, with some indelible ink. i enter these gates with thanksgiving. for life. that i can lay my head down tonight with ease like september. and all is seen in an instant. armour falls down and i am simply a little girl looking for her daddy's arms.

the winds have blown across the pieces of sensibility in my mind and my thoughts are swept round like the dust... i beg for the waves to stop. waves of sea-sickness, waves of trouble, waves upon waves that toss my ship. and finally i acquiesce and let the waves become my rhythm, and i sing into the storm until it all becomes a song.

which brings me to this wooden floor in this town i call my present home.

i come with open arms. with forgiveness on my open hands.

and the city receives me with one hand delicate, soft and open and one hand ready to strike.

i can't calm down, for remembering the feeling of the iron in her fist.

i cling to forgiveness and weep to forget, but i cannot.

the thing is this...

i cannot make this new.

you promise it is.

so, make it so.

after the storm. [the words that explain everything]

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

oh what a night. late december back in 63. [blogs in cryptic plain-speak]

today is a day i can't even begin to describe to you. i nearly died about 4 times due to crazy drivers. had a non-existent job interview, that turned into a sort of interview for a position that has been filled, but just in case... you get the idea. chickened out at the front door of a certain restaurant after seeing a friend of someone there. (cryptic? apologies.) decided it best to just return home and start the day over. another near accident later, i was home. saw another job advertised, resolved to apply for it immediately, which i did. that is, after getting lost and then found and lost and then found in front of the very restaurant to which i was going to apply. as i walked in the door, there was an elderly gentleman missing most of his teeth, sitting on a barstool next to his wheelchair. he was drinking his afternoon beer, so it seemed, and he told me to come sit down and rest my bones. there was a younger older man next to him typing on his macbook... but not the sort of guy you'd imagine to be typing on his macbook. that's what you get for having macbook stereotypes. anyway, the older man asked how my day was. i didn't want to lie... but rather than hesitate, i chose to remember the fact that my morning was MADE with a chat session with mr. molloy, as well as a pretty swanky restart, not to mention crema in my future... so i gave the positive answer alluding to the fact that my day was going well and i smiled at him. he told me i had a very nice smile, and then asked for a second opinion from the macbook man. he was a bit jolted out of his cyber world for a moment and disinterested in this panel of judging, however, he looked up, took a double take, and then agreed that i did have a lovely smile indeed. by this point, as nice as it all was, i wanted to melt into the floor. hello blushing red cheeks. eeps. at this point the older gentleman said, "a smile like that... you should be in hollywood" - hello made day. of course this made me look like an embarrassed cheshire cat. "and that's a compliment" he said. LOVELY.

i applied for the job, and made my way to crema, where i had a very long heart to heart with emilia... and filled in the blanks she'd missed over the last year or so in her travels. we both cried some on that porch. enter another character of life... exit emilia... enter commercial break with an old friend and his fiance. i found out, at this point, that a friend of mine, not only used one of my songs in his wedding, but his lovely bride walked down the aisle to it. another heart explosion. back to reality. cue mumford & sons to make things extra interesting... (and by interesting, i mean extra clear.) kisses via text (just in case i needed another shove in the right direction) sat back down with character waiting on the crema porch and had one of the most confusing conversations (albeit good conversations) i have ever had in my life. top 2. excellent. (sort of sarcasm. sort of not.) also, it left me with my pride slightly wounded. scratched, if you will, and a lingering sense of uneasiness. sometimes the truth is uncomfortable. sometimes it cuts you a little when it's releasing the ropes from your arms. i left that place understanding more of what was going on in my head and heart and scared out of my trees, because of it.

as a result, i got home, sat on my bed and had one of the sweetest conversations i've ever had in my life. in this conversation, i just got real honest with myself and this person. and i cried like a baby. i just let go. he knows what i feel. i've known it. but it's something else entirely when you can just admit it out loud and relax in it.

emilia came home, and she was thrilled that i had finally admitted what even she knew.

why am i always the last to know?

after this, i went to battered and fried with stephy... had sushi and a cosmo and good conversation as always. i love that girl so freaking hard. and i'm fiercely protective of her heart. took her home, and then, as i made my way back to the house, i released it all to a mumford and sons track. walked in my house, which was filled with selena tunes, and emilia dancing around with a paintbrush. we talked and then giggled about random things. i am now back on my bed attempting to verbalize this day in a methodical fashion. but the fact is, it was weird and out of control and taxing on my head/heart.

but so good. i mean, sweet.

and a peace has settled along with the coffee jitters.

everything feels overwhelming and strange and beautiful and scary.

but good.

i can't stop yawning.

my heart is full.

so long weird weird day.