come awake.

at this precise moment, i can be found in the living room of my family's house... sitting in the coolness of a/con... with bandita. and there's something so calming about it. it isn't home. but it's where they live. and i can breathe easy and think for a second. i'm also lusting after this macbook. but, that's another story entirely.

i like that it's silent.
i like that i've left my phone in the car, though i'm hoping it doesn't start melting down to toxic plastic vs. metal compound in this summertime glory. i want nothing more than to be in a secluded place with my favourite girlfriends, laying next to a pool in a classy little two piece. i know. who is this girl talking right now? i don't even care. because, really?
i don't like how much of my 26 years... that have been wasted because of insecurity. i'm a cripple. and it's a pitiful sight. i don't like how hard i feel i must work for the attention and affection of others. i hate the feeling of being unloved. even though i am loved and cared about very much, indeed.

i woke up this morning to the telephone ringing. not mine. my grandma's landline. there's a man i'm quite fond of who has had cancer. it spread, and about a week ago, we heard he'd now been told he probably had about 6 months to live. but the phone call this morning, brought word that he'd passed away. he was essentially a musical genius. he has the sweetest family... the loveliest wife... and two of the most gorgeous teenage girls i've ever seen in my life. no exaggeration. and i tried my best not to cry. but i ache for his family and friends. and i know how it feels. and gosh, i hate when things like this happen.

i think, apart from all of these things regarding his family and talent and his booming laughter and rodney dangerfield voice... i was fond of the fact that he really saw me. he was one of those rare people who seemed to completely 'get' everything i'm about, without my having to say very much. as a musician, he saw the places i am uncomfortable, and encouraged me to explore there. to create there. to run there. from his family of beautiful brazilian girls, he would always remind me that i was a beautiful little sister to him... his general enthusiasm, genuine encouragement were always incredible. and his resilient hope in the midst of dark times of opposition challenged me.

i'm going to miss him. a lot.

i am walking through a season of loneliness that refuses to end.
i am trying to make the best of it. to learn lessons.
i am trying not to shut down, and close my heart off.
i'm trying to love everyone better.
but every attempt leads to failure and varying degrees of heartache.

i am searching the sky for the tiniest of rainbows.
but my angst-ridden body shakes. and my hand is gripping the brush. stirring the can of black paint.
and i'm so tempted to paint it black and let my blood run cold.

but my eyes keep searching. pupils clinging to the last bit of light before giving in to dilation.
...surely goodness will follow me.