Thursday, July 30, 2009

brouhaha with mister milne.

Pondering pondering pondering. I’m like Winnie-the-pooh in his thoughtful spot thinking and humming to himself. Think think think. Alas, there’s no piglet to keep me company. That makes me a little blue. What brings on the reds, is the thought that maybe this is how it will always be. There are the loveliest of people passing by. They stop to say hello and tell me about their day… coming and going. Always seasonal. And I really wish that someone would stay. I’d like some stability in this adventurous sea.

It’s so pretty out. In this rowboat, swaying after the rain. The sky has become brilliant blue, and there’s that all encompassing warm as the sun gets a little less shy around the gray. Things seem incredibly hopeful. There’s all this good news in the newspaper! Promising predictions. Not too much excitement, so as not to make a fool of oneself and jump the gun, but enough to smile. Yet there’s no one to share the news with.
“We are deeply relational creatures” I hear a man’s voice quote it in a posh English accent. Like the Disney narrative voice for A. A. Milne (Does it make it more true, if you say it in a posh English accent? Assuredly not. In fact, lots of people would take that as the flag that you’re lying. But, we Americans love that crap! I think it’s a bit ridiculous. But, whatever.) Back to the point. We are, aren’t we? I crave relationships. I love my friends. I love meeting new people and when they become friends. I love when friends become like family. I like boys too. Still waiting on my McCartney…but, that is another story entirely. I hate the geographical restrictions that impede upon most of my relationships. Now, distance doesn’t bother me quite so much. It’s not insurmountable. In fact, it can be a lot of fun. But when distance brings with it bureaucracy… so many beautiful relationships are strangled by the red tape. I’m tired of relational ‘weddings’ so to speak…where the celebration is grand and festive. And not too much later, it’s only to be followed up by an annulment or a funeral.

“And so… relational creatures we are,” says the narrator. We’ll call him Mister Milne for fun. I’m not alone in this. But, why do I feel so alone in this? I’m not searching for some sort of validation or approval, exactly. I mean, I like affirmation. I’m that kind of girl. That’s my native tongue. But I tend to have this mathematical way of thinking, that if you’re lacking something, there’s a reason. If you’re not getting hugs, you’re probably a porcupine. Or, if people never come over to your house, maybe you’re a mean witch! (Or a warewolf! Because then you wouldn’t know you’re a werewolf cos you change at full moons, but forget allll about it in the daytime.) See what I’m saying? Which makes me analyze myself to no end. Which is why I probably call you and say… are you SURE I’m not a porcupine?? Are you sure I’m not a wicked witch? I just cackled and there are monkeys following me. Seriously. Last night was a full moon. Did I eat her/his family for a midnight snack? Because s/he’s definitely not talking to me.
“Brou-ha-ha! (which here is the phonetical sound of laughter at the encompassing brouhaha) Silly old bear.” True. I am a silly little bear. But I’m just saying… I’m just confused as to why the rules of karma do not apply. it makes sense that they should. What goes around – comes around. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Though, it doesn’t actually say that they’ll treat you the same way. Smile at someone…they probably won’t smile back. Call a friend! But they may not call back. Do not ignore someone you care about… They will probably ignore you. Forgive. Even when you aren’t forgiven. Be honest. When you’re lied to.

And so now, Mr. Milne, that brings us to love, doesn’t it. “Ah, yes, young Jackson, The Central nervous system of life.” So I choose to love people and they may not love back. In fact, often they won’t…at least in the way you expect. So where’s the line between just becoming a doormat who constantly says “no worries! I understand! It’s all good.” And saying otherwise and walking away or limiting the accessibility of the people around you. COM.PLI.CATED. slightly. Stiff order. Needs a stiff drink. Ok, so I choose grace. I don’t wanna be a porcupine or a witch or a werewolf, or even a hardened young woman.All of this to say, I don’t want to be always lonely. And I’m afraid I always will feel this way. But maybe that’s just fear talking and it’s just a season. And I need to push through and wait. (proooobly so) And I’m never really alone. Ever. But this accompanying patience that is required of me… this courage and strength and hope cocktail… well, it’s not going down any easier than a shot of moonshine from the mid-1800s.

“Promise me you’ll always remember… You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

I shall certainly try, Mister Milne. I shall try.

p.s. - to those who are near to me, though distance keeps us apart...i freakin love you.

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