Sunday, December 26, 2010 this goldfish bowl is the whole sea, see?

Think back to the time when you were in elementary school and someone was so mad at you that you almost wanted to just quit. And you begged your parentals to let you stay home, or just homeschool you or something. If you can even remember a vivid time when this happened (because it's probably a very foggy memory in which the details are not so much around, but the feeling is there)... your parents probably sent you to school anyway and told you something about how "this too shall pass" and how you can't "run away from every problem". Things like that. It never stops or changes though. It will happen again through highschool, your first job, your second, and pretty much all of them... and the more your tendency to be a people pleaser, the higher the tendency to run into such things. Everytime one of these situations of dramatics arises, that usually isn't easily shaken, because a job or something ever so important weighs in the balance, your parents or grandparents or friends or confidants will echo the same sentiments as the first times around... except often with my guy friends these days, the language is a bit stronger. They're usually quick to dismiss the actions of the other person in question and dumb it down to the fact that they are maybe not quite human, and they shouldn't be given a second or third or 4th thought. ALL of this has always been a real esteem booster, when it happens, but i dont ever know what to do with it. It sounds nice. It sounds easy. But, I'm not a boy. I'm a very sensitive girl who HATES when people are remotely upset with her.

I am also, apparently a very slow learner.

I was nearing the point of tears from a current situation, and wanted nothing more than to just clock out and peace out on the whole night. A guy I work with stopped me and said that wasn't the best of ideas, and not to let one person ruin my time. That I was better than all that. I listened. He gave me a man hug, later... and another made me some food. It's all I needed for that few minutes, anyway. Since then, my holiday has had this weird backdrop of pure anxiety about going back to work. Last night, a friend of mine, a darling dashing baron... echoed the above sentiments with the more colourful of language choices and then said, "rise above it."
I immediately thought, eh. They're all saying the same things. but, really?! Easier said than done.
And then I wondered why it was so hard after all?
Because really, when 5 years pass, ok. 5 months pass, I'll have forgotten the details of this situation. All I'll remember are the people I wanted to be with after my shift was over.
The question really is...


because it's not.
Now, I'm a firm believer of being diligent in the small things. Of remembering where you've come from and all of that. But I am very good at making ant hills feel like a mount everest in my mind. And life is hard enough without my brain's fanciful exaggerations.

You give it all you've got. If it turns out well, then... spectacular.
If it doesn't, well... on to the next one.
This is temporal.
Everything cannot be perfect.
I cannot make everyone happy.
I wish I could explain how tired I am.
I feel like I have the flu minus all the symptoms but lethargy and fatigue.
I could sleep all day without any problem. That's how hard I'm running right now.

It will be ok though.
so repeat the mantra.
This is a goldfish bowl.
This is not the whole sea.

No comments: