short end of the stick. courtesy of me. [decision making. or not.]

it seems i keep selling myself short. over and over and over and over.

what happens is i dont believe that ____ or ____ will ever happen to me. that this person or that person will ever notice i am alive. and sure. sometimes these things happen. the point is, that to rid myself of all chances of disappointment, i convince myself that everything is possible for everyone but me. on most things. this is dumb. but true.

it's also what happens when life deals out the stupidest deck of cards everrrr.

at least it feels that way.

maybe it's the best deck ever.

maybe i'll win bigstyle one day.

maybe i never will.

ok but this isn't about go fish or black jack or anything.

this is the sort of blog entry i'll write... read tomorrow... consider deletion... and go back and read again and again, as though someone else wrote it. and maybe someday i'll listen.

i am an incredible girl.

i didn't say perfect.

just incredible.

i didn't say any of the ridiculous fleeting attributes we hang on to it, like christmas tree ornamentation.

i spend far too much time trying to convince people of what they already know or what they already should know.

rather than convincing myself.

and so, if you are a man in my world, know this...

i dont care what's in your bank account. i don't care what your comfy cushy plan is. you have a passion? excellent. you want someone to do this life adventure with? awesome. want that to be me? come get it.

but this is no lotto jackpot. i am not some awesome deal... a happy hour special or even on sale. not damaged goods. more like a luxury model. i am a priceless jewel or a one-of-a-kind-classic-painter's-world-renowned-MASTERPIECE. the kind men would sail the seven seas and slit throats and risk their lives for... the kind of thing the best of the best of the bad guys get involved in some grand heist over. it's an overpriced item. i'm worth it. (thanks loreal.) i am no damsel in distress. i am no princess-brat laying on 20 mattresses being bruised by a pea. i am a world of wonderful things. incredibly strong. incredibly fragile. the wonder of being a woman and the beauty of a woman, is not in and of simply being a female who is alluring or whatever. it's remaining tender in a world that is bent on hardening you. it's remaining strong in a world that praises superficial strength. it's remaining beautiful with a beauty that explodes from within, in a world that adores a fleeting photoshopped perfection. a girl at rest in the eye of a hurricane, inviting others to hide beneath her wings, and yet who is able to take refuge under other wings of safety herself. a partner in crime. a lover. a nurturer. fiercely loyal. childlike...

but grace. full of grace.

a grace and a love not her own.

and seeking to be filled to overflowing with it.

that, and laughter.

i know what i want.

i know what i need.

i know who i am.

in part. all in part.

and the one who recognizes all these things and then some, even better than i...

the one who finds me, whom his soul will love and he will not let me go...

the one who sets me as a seal upon his heart

that's the one i'll choose.