Sunday, December 5, 2010

why, oh, why do you keep me away?

I remember sittin' up in my room, very much like the Brandy song. I must've been 15 or so. I had Travis's "The Man Who" on a tape quite literally imported from a friend in London. There was also this Lighthouse Family record that made me want to vomit on cue. I've never understood why the English had this affinity with that group. And, I'm sure they're the loveliest bunch of humans, but really their tunes make my skin crawl. It would be a great torture method for me. That and Natalie Merchant. But, I don't work for NME and this isn't about my ripping defenseless artists a new one.

I went to a private Christian school. Always things to do. Something to study for. Music to practice, some place to be. But, in between, I could be found laying on my bed exploring these new caverns of my mind while Radiohead's "The Bends" played over and over and over and over. That and OK Computer. I used to get lost in all of these albums and the worlds they'd help create in my head. I'd steal away there as often as I could... and make my own words into rhymes. I'd pretend to be someone else. Some glamourous person in love and with friends. In just a moment, this will break and this will start happening. I used to think that over and over to myself all of the time. At school, I was never asked on a date. Ever. I invited an underclassman to our 'extravaganza'-cum-prom, and went solo my senior year. I always had a lot of friends, as I found myself blending along the edges of all sorts of different social circles and scenes. But, I was never part of one thing. Except my friends in England. I was part of their world somehow. In some distant and yet wonderfully close way, I was this exciting novelty that never seemed to wear off. They were mine. I was theirs. Whatever I wanted to be in my head, I was something close to that in actuality to them.

It's nice to say that nothing has changed.
Or is it?
If I need someone... and that person to respond quickly... if I need to be encouraged... if I am in any kind of need at all, I pick up my phone, get on skype... any means of conversing... and one of them from across the sea will jump to my rescue. Almost every. single. time.
I feel lonely in a city full to overflowing with so many friends.
I feel like a stranger in my house.
I miss the proximity of family.
And I ache for home.
A home I cannot get to.
Damn immigration.
And so...
This is just to say that I miss you, friends in England.
This is just to say I love you.
This is just to say that I'm sorry I take you for granted, if it ever seems that I do.

Because ever since I can remember, all I've ever really wanted is a place that I know that I belong. Why am i kept away?

The Bends is playing as I write this.
And it warms me and makes me sad to know everything and nothing has changed.

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