i have not been very good at updating this, due to lack of internet connections and keyboards. blogging on phones or ipods is just not nearly as fun. and there's actually so much going on that i should be telling you about.
but my stomach is begging for food... or coffee.
my body is begging to be beaten into submission... or to go on a run.
so, i suppose it will all have to wait.
i will say that i have a sneaky brain. even if i purpose not to think about something a lot, it will find ways to process that information or search for a solution while i'm sleeping. relational interruptions make me sick to my stomach. and i just want to fix them. but love is patient and i am not. and sometimes, actually most often, it takes a tender release so that they can grasp whatever slow reveal that needs to happen. sometimes to show people how much they mean to you... you can't grip them harder, but let them go. however, you don't run away. you just wait quietly. it sounds glorious and sweet and so simple. but it's hard and leaves the worst taste in my mouth.
but it isn't exactly about me all the time is it. lesson of the year: control is an illusion. there is a massive story of which i have a definite meaningful part. but it isn't centered around me and my whimsical happiness. but there is a joy in it... in realising it's not quite so tame and small. that this is wide open space. and it's a joy like an oil. it doesn't come off easily with the changing of the seasons.
i mostly just want to be better at love. in all the facets of life.
this is like math class. except there's no formulas. and i'm determined to understand.